Pages

CLICK HERE to Light a Candle for Gracie and Any Other Soul in Need
Light as many as you would like - as often as you would like.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

#26 - OVER IT


So, I was in JoAnn Fabric this week looking for fabric for my next Gracie project, and I ran into a long-time acquaintance.  She is one of those people that you do your best to avoid when you see them in public, but are obligated to talk to once you’ve been spotted.  I did a really good job of avoiding her for about 10 minutes, but then she spotted me when I wasn’t looking.  She said hello, and then got right to it…. “So are you over it yet?”  She’s a pretty forward person, but this kind of knocked me back a little.  For a split second I thought that she was perhaps talking about something else – maybe she thought that I had been ill, maybe she was talking about some of the small town political BS that provides constant drama around here…  So I asked, “Over what?”  Without missing a beat, she came right back with “Are you over the baby thing?” 


You’ve got to be kidding me.  Am I over the baby thing? THE BABY THING?  This comes 2 weeks after I was labeled ‘creepy’ by a virtual stranger for carrying pictures of Gracie with me.  What the hell is wrong with people sometimes?  I like to think that I would never say something like this to anyone…  I looked at her and said ‘I’m pretty sure that it’s not something that we’re ever going to get over.’ She told me that we just needed to give it some more time, and we would get over it.  I really had no desire to be talking to her to begin with, and had even less desire to be tactful at this point in the conversation.  I bluntly told her that we are doing okay, and that we are taking one day at a time.  I told her that as each day passes, it gets a little easier to get through it, but it’s not something that we will likely ever get over.  She said – again – ‘Just give it time, you’ll eventually get over it.’  I was pretty curt in telling her that losing a child isn’t something that people generally get over – it’s just something you eventually learn to accept, something you get through and work around.  It’s not something that you get over.   I then excused myself to finish my shopping and said goodbye. 


My daughter died.  I often wonder if people would look at her death differently if she had died one day after she was born instead of one day before she was born.  There is really no difference.  In the end, I carried her for 36 weeks, gave birth to her and did not bring her home from the hospital. In the end, she is gone.  The moment that I realized she was dead began the worst experience of my life.  After that moment, I endured an ultrasound to confirm her death, delivered her lifeless body, gave her up to be taken to the morgue, came home from the hospital without her, and buried her body.  I do not like it, and I certainly will never get over it.  But I cannot change it.  All I can do is accept it for what it is (the shittiest thing that has ever happened in my life) and move through it.  I will move through it and deal with it at a faster pace than some people feel I should, and at a slower pace than other people feel I should – but it is my experience and it is something that I need to do in my own time.  As I move through it, I expect that I will continue to experience a roller coaster of emotions.  And as I move through it, I can make the conscious decision to be forever bitter about it, or I can make the conscious decision to find some silver lining.  I want to find the silver lining.  I want to find a way for some good to come of Gracie’s death.


They say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  Gracie’s death, combined with some other recent life experiences, makes me feel like I will be ready for the World’s Strongest Woman Contest by spring – maybe sooner.  A friend who has walked this road told me that someday I will look back and be amazed by what I have endured and survived.  I am pretty sure that I will not experience that moment until after we have survived another pregnancy and brought home a healthy baby, but I am certainly looking forward to it!  Until then, I will continue to trudge through.  I will continue to lean on other loss mamas that I have met, and will continue to be here for them to lean on when needed.  I will continue to do what I can to make every minute of every day count, because life is too short to not.  But I will never understand what makes some people tick…



10 comments:

ForeverElliot'sMommy said...

Susan,
What an AWEFUL women!!! I am so glad you stood up to her, I don't know if I would have had the courage, sometimes it's easier to nod than to go into it....But people need to realize that our babies are our babies, whether here or in heaven and I hope to God she never has to go through this pain, then she would really feel bad.....
HUGS to you!!!
<3 Brandy

Ali said...

I agree with you, what difference does it make that my child didnt ever take a breath she existed just as much as any other child, and it doesnt mean I love her any less than if she wold have been born full-term and lived, it doesnt matter. She is the most important thing that has ever happened to me and it is not something I can GET OVER, it is something that I have to accept and move forward with my acceptance of my loss, but I will never GET OVER losing my first born child.

I am so sorry that you had to deal with someone so insensitive. Bless you and ((HUGS)).

Lea said...

HI Susan,

I just came across your blog and wanted to tell you how so sorry I am for the loss of your beautiful, Gracie. We just passed our son, Nicholas' first Angel Day.... it's a long, tough, journey.

This story about your acquaintance.... oh my gosh! How incredibly insensitive and stupid can some people be? I am so sorry that you had to interact with her at all.

Looking forward to following your story...

margaret said...

God Susan, unfortunately we all seem to have those people in our lives, the ones with no sensitivity or tact. It adds insult to injury to have to deal with such horrible people. You're right, you won't ever get over it and neither will I or any other of the loss mamas. How could you get over something so sad, something that has changed your life forever? Good for you for standing your ground with firmness and dignity. Sending you hugs...

Bree said...

People like that woman make me so angry. Wow. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
I understand the need to find the silver lining to all of this. I think we all want our babies' lives to have not been in vain and to mean something. Maybe the silver lining is that we will be more sensitive and are able to support other moms on this journey. I think we will also appreciate our subsequent babies and never speak negatively about motherhood.

Jill said...

Sorry you had to come across that situation. It must have been incredibly hard. People just do not understand unless they have been through this heartbreaking loss.

Tina said...

What the hell is wrong with that woman??? You handled her beautifully. I am sure your Gracie is so proud of you.

I have info to send you regarding the Christmas Giveaways but I don't have your e-mail address. Send it to me at hutchtina@bak.rr.com and I'll get the info out to you. Thank you so much for agreeing to participate. I think it is a great way to honor our babies while spreading some joy!!
Love,
Tina

Susan said...

Hi Ladies.
Thanks for all of your replies on this topic. I was not really traumatized by this conversation, as much as I was amused by it. This lady is just this way. When I told my hubby about it, he just chuckled and shook his head. He was not any more surprised than I was!!

Malory said...

I want this womans phone number. I can tell why she is avoiided when seen. I am sorry you had to endure that from her. Continue on & feel every emotion that comes your way. They are yours & yours to work through in any manner you so desire. No seriously where does this woman live? :)

angie said...

WHAT THE HELL? I mean, it has only been three months. I would have burst into tears or punched her. People suck, really. I know that I will never ever be over my loss. So, just sayin' I'd love to get into it with the lady. I did have this fleeting feeling that you live in my neighborhood, because I have someone who says that kind of crap at Joann Fabrics (the only place I bump into her *sigh*)