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Monday, November 9, 2009

#19 - October Secret Garden Meeting

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

This is my first Secret Garden Meeting post. I am truly sorry that any of us have to be here. We unexpectedly lost our first born at 36 weeks just 14 weeks ago. Some days the 14 weeks seems like years, other days it seems like only a few days have passed. Some days are good, and others are a little rough; overall I think better days are starting to outnumber the rough days. Rough days now seem to have specific triggers instead of just creeping up at random. I usually have a few ‘funky’ days each week that fall somewhere between anger and sadness….just kind of blah, I suppose. I am looking forward to more good days and associating Gracie’s memory with love and all things good instead of sadness and grief.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace…

I feel that I have fully accepted Gracie’s death. As much as I hate her death, I know that it cannot be changed. The only thing I can do is accept it and find some peace in hoping that after DH and I have allowed ourselves a little more time to heal, we can use this experience to help others as they join this most undesirable club. I have found more peace than I imagined in knowing that this horrible event has created an even stronger bond in my marriage (although it can sometimes be frustrating to accept the way men handle their grief…), and that together DH and I will be able to weather anything life throws at us. There is also much peace in knowing that Gracie will always be part of our family, and that she will live on in all of us, including her younger siblings.

Over the next month or so, we will be moving into the ‘not preventing new pregnancy’ stage. There is some definitely angst as we get closer to that point. I remain frustrated that we will likely have no further answers about Gracie’s death. The medical professional in me needs that explanation to satisfy my brain. The mother in me needs that explanation to satisfy my heart and quell some of the nervousness that will come as we move through our future pregnancies. I am looking forward to the day when I no longer feel the need to have that answer.


Lisa said...

I'm so glad that you have found strength in your marriage during this trying time. I pray that God grants you peace with future pregnancies!

Jill said...

So happy you have found some peace. Good luck in the month to come...


Once A Mother said...

I too struggle with not having answers. Sending you prayers for peace in your heart as you begin trying again.

Remembering your beautiful Gracie with you.


ForeverElliot'sMommy said...

It's so crazy about the bond with your husband being stronger, it is the same for DH and I, but we had a pastor tell us right after Elliot died that 98% of parents that go through this end up splitting up....just what I wanted to hear after my son died. But 'm soooo happy for you and your DH!!! I am glad you have found peace!!!