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Sunday, February 21, 2010


Over the last few weeks, I have received several emails about my blog.  They have come from new members of the baby loss club, seasoned members of the baby loss club, as well as women who have never experienced baby loss.  Each of these women has expressed sincere gratitude for being able to read Gracie's story and how we are surviving (or not, depending on the day) the aftermath.  I have been touched by the gratitude expressed by these women, as well as the stories that they have shared with me.  While I find comfort in the friendships that I have formed with the women here in the baby loss blogosphere, I find some additional peace in knowing that I am able to offer some level of comfort and assurance to those who are not necessarily part of my 'daily circle'.  Thank you, ladies, for reading our story and sharing yours with me...and thank you for allowing me to feel the peace that comes with all of it.

Last, but certainly not least, a big thank you to Jen over at The Blue Sparrow for making a special Valentine candy for Gracie!   I love it!!

Thursday, February 18, 2010


Good friends of ours from college announced around Thanksgiving that they are expecting their second baby in June 2010.  Of course we were/are happy for them, but I had that ugly, green envy lurking under the surface.  It had nothing to do with them - it was simply that I am/was really not okay with the fact that I did not have my Gracie.  We saw them just before Christmas - they were one of the couples that I briefly referenced here - and it was difficult, but regardless, they are our very good friends and we love them. 

It was not until earlier this week that I came to grips with exactly how 'not okay' I really was with the situation, emotionally speaking.  One of them had a Facebook post that referenced needing a second crib, and how actually getting the crib makes the reality of a second baby set in.  For a split second as I was reading that post, I wondered to myself what he was talking about.  And then suddenly it hit me....I have not thought about their pregnancy for almost 2 months.  I think it is safe to say that the entire situation had been completely pushed from my mind.  I was absolutely mortified.  How in the world could I be so uncaring... so ridiculous???  This is something that is completely unlike me...this is not the kind of thing I forget about.  Because it is so unlike me, there is only one somewhat reasonable conclusion that I can draw.  I have to assume that my subconscious kicked into overdrive and, as a means of self-preservation, completely pushed everything about their pregnancy from my thoughts.  I would certainly never do anything to hurt our friends, and I know that this was not intentional on my part, but it was quite a lesson in humility... not to mention the absolute realization that my grief still has complete control over me, no matter how much I want to believe that I have control over it.  It makes me wonder what else has been completely pushed from my mind in the last several months...

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


So that saying 'once in a blue moon'...there must be some truth.  I am sure that it was just coincidence, but the blue moon appears to have been the luck that we needed to make Gracie a big sister.  (The fact that I was ovulating had nothing to do with it!)  :-)   I am about 9 weeks and we had our first appointment today.  Our EDD is somewhere between 9/23/10 and 9/26/10.  I intentionally held off on announcing here until we had the first ultrasound - just to be sure.  

All of this comes as such a mixed emotional bag for me.  I am excited, but very nervous, to be trying again.   I am happy that we have been able to start this process again before we reached the point of 'having to try' to get pregnant; that alone removes so much stress from the situation.  But I am not sure how I feel about starting a new chapter.  I know that I cannot live in the grief chapter forever, but there is a little voice inside me that tells me that I need to spend more time there.   I know that we will forever miss, love, honor, cherish and remember Gracie, but there are definitely some feelings of guilt.  

I also have feelings of guilt as a member of the baby loss mama club.  There are so many loss mamas out there who are just not ready to think about their own rainbow baby, let along someone else's rainbow baby.  There are so many other girls out there who are ready and have been trying unsuccessfully.  All of this considered, I have decided to start a new blog for rainbow baby.  I will continue to post entries here related to Gracie, but there will not be much posted here about the new baby, as I want those who are not ready for rainbows to still be able to come here and read without having salt dumped onto their wounds.  The new blog can be found here - there is also a button over on the right.

Saturday, February 13, 2010


Many thanks to Lisa over at Waterfall Angels for Gracie's beautiful waterfall pictures.  I love them!



Saturday, February 6, 2010

Weekly List - Eighth Edition

I really have not had much to say lately. I think it is primarily because I have been working so hard over the last few months. Unfortunately, I will have to continue this crazy pace until school lets out around the first week of June, but there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. Being so busy, while exhausting, sometimes helps to keep me from falling into the baby loss hole and getting stuck there for days on end. But, if I fall, it’s usually a pretty big fall that distraction cannot prevent.

While I was out plowing snow for the hubby this morning (of course all of this comes on my Saturday, which is his ‘Monday’), I was thinking about the things that have been the most helpful to me over the last several months – the things that I would not have survived without. I decided to put them in the form of a weekly list. So here you go – the things that I could not have survived without since losing Gracie.
  •  My husband.  Although I get frustrated because his grieving process is so much different than mine, and although I get frustrated because he rarely wants to talk about his feelings related to Gracie's death, I would not have survived this experience without him.  He has been my rock, and I love him to death for that, even though it causes him more pain to be that rock. 
  • The rest of our family.  They have suffered through this loss with us, and although they don't get it from our perspective, they have been as supportive as they know how to be.   We could not have asked for much more from them over the last few months.
  • Music.  Music has been an important part of my life since I was very young.  I have spent much of the last six months wishing that I still belonged to an organized music group of some kind, either vocal or instrumental.  I have spent much of the last six months wishing that I still had a piano, and I am hoping to rectify the missing piano situation soon.  In the meantime, I have taken much comfort in the music of others.  I have always been able to lose myself in music that I 'connect' to, now it seems to be even easier to just get completely lost in it.  
  • This community and blogging.  Over the last few weeks my husband has been reminding me that I need to keep pushing myself through some of the things that are backed up in my office and spend a little less time on baby loss.  He follows that up with 'I know that you need to spend some time there for  yourself...' but then reminds me that work will bring money (and we need the money).  I know that he understands how important this community is for me with regard to maintaining my sanity, but I don't think he comprehends exactly how important.  I have made some wonderful new friends here, and their support has really been uplifting over the last few months.  Having this blog has helped so much in terms of having an avenue to express my feelings, especially the feelings that are not received well by others when spoken out loud. 
  • Sleep.  Surprisingly, my sleep has been disrupted very little by this whole experience.  Somtimes I am disturbed by this fact, but most of the time I am thankful.  Being able to sleep has allowed me to maintain the little bit of focus that I have left and it has allowe me to maintain this blistering pace at work.  I think it has also allowed me to maintain some clarity in many of my thoughts, and kept me from becoming a blubbering mess when I do get a  little emotional.  It has allowed my body to heal physically from Gracie's birth, as well as gall bladder surgery.
  • The need to keep Gracie's memory and spirit alive.  While I don't have it in me to go as big as some baby loss mamas have gone, it is important to me to do things that will keep Gracie's spirit alive, at least within her parents and grandparents.  We have done so many things to keep Gracie alive - some that involve just family, and some that reach out beyond our little world.  Most recently we made a donation to Doing Good in Her Name and plan to do this each Christmas to honor Gracie.  I look forward to finding new ways to honor her in the months and years to come so she is never forgotten.  
  • Clif Bars and Luna Bars.  I know that this seems bizarre, but my appetite really took a header into the toilet for quite some time after Gracie's death, perhps in lieu of being able to sleep.  For quite a while, when I did eat, it wasn't much.  I wanted what little I was eating to count, so I ate a ton of Luna Bars and Clif Bars.  (The best part is that I can get them at a surplus grocery store near my house priced at 3/$1.00 - otherwise I would never be able to afford it!)  My appetite has improved quite a bit over the last month or two, but without the bars, my nutritional intake would have been nil.