Aside from my venting post about the insurance/chromosomal analysis debacle that I posted on Wednesday, I haven’t spent much time in blogland over the last week or so, as things have been crazy busy. So busy that I have even missed out on registering for some of the awesome giveaway prizes that were offered at the end of the week, and I also didn’t get a weekly list done or posted.
We went to the cemetery on Saturday morning to do our Christmas decorating. The decorating was unexpectedly started earlier in the week by my mother-in-law and my step-mother – they were shopping together and found a very pretty Advent cross made of fresh greens. We took our little artificial Charlie Brown trees, the string of solar lights, our little baby loss colored balls, and Gracie’s personalized ornament and battled the snow and the frozen ground. When it was all said and done, this is how things looked…. Even though many of you have experienced this, I just have to say how much decorating at the cemetery sucks.
When our decorating was complete, we hopped back in the car and started our 3 ½ hour drive east for an annual Christmas party. I knew that there would be a few babies and young kids there, but even with those expectations, I got knocked on my ass last night. There were a few more little ones there than I had anticipated, ranging in age from newborn to six years old – and two families were also expecting. Quick summation - dying inside. So…I drank. I drank more than I have had at one time since Gracie died. In hindsight, probably not a good decision. But drinking or not, the whole evening made me realize just how badly I want a baby to love and nurture and watch grow and learn. The desire for a baby is nothing new, but I don’t think I realize exactly how strong the desire really is until I am surrounded by it. The evening really made me think about how strong my bond to Gracie was, even though she never took one breath outside of my body. It also made me realize how quickly I can become so green with envy around people with babies and young children, especially babies about the age that Gracie should be. Not just a pale shade of green, but one of the brightest, ugliest shades of green that you can imagine…and if that’s not bad enough, the envy tends to make my cynical streak worse. I don’t wish ill fortune on anyone, and I would never wish this on anyone, but my brain just keeps screaming that little phrase that we are all so very familiar with …. “Why me???”
During the ride home I thought about all of this, and then thought about it even more when my husband commented on how he perceives/d my green state of envy. I thought about all of the realizations I have had about myself over the last 4 months, and all of the things that seemed to be emphasized for me last night. Here is what I came up with.
- I am stronger than I ever thought I was, but most of the time that strength is for the benefit of the people around me, and not really for myself. Life within my four walls is much different than life outside of the walls.
- This blog has helped so much when it comes to living within my four walls. Most of the people around me would do anything to help both of us through this, but because most of them don’t have a clue what it is like to live through this, they don't know how to act or what to say when I talk about Gracie. Consequently, I have not invited most them to read my blog. I initially wanted it to be informational for those who have never been down this road, so they would understand what we are dealing with on a daily basis, but I quickly realized how unrealistic that would be - so many people around me freak out at just the mildest grief comments posted on Facebook, that I can not imagine how they would react to reading some of the things written here. Some days it really feels like I have a double life….
- I’m not generally an envious person, but I don’t know how to turn this baby envy off. I struggle with it on a daily basis, and the only people that I am not envious of are people who have had their rainbow babies – because I know that they have stood in this spot with similar emotions.
- I am married to the most wonderful man in the world, but sometimes it confuses me that he doesn’t experience the same envy. We are experiencing the same loss, yet we are not experiencing the same grief. Sometimes we absolutely cannot relate to what the other is feeling or experiencing. Some days we are not even in the same book, let alone on the same page.
- No matter how graceful I try to be in dealing with this loss, it never seems to be enough.
- I have struggled with my faith more over the last 19 weeks more than I have ever struggled with it. It has never been a strong point for me, and just when I think that I am starting to figure it all out, God drops a nuke in the middle of my life – a nuke so big that it can make the most religious and faithful question the meaning of everything.
I am going to roll this into a pick-me-up and move right into Tuesday’s giveaway (part of Tina’s 25 Days of Giveaways. Read on to my next post for my Giveaway information.