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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

#44 - WELCOME, 2010!

Although my husband now suffers from Farmtown addiction, getting him to set up a Facebook account took a lot of nagging on my part.  Shortly after he created his FB account he did one of those ’25 things about me’ notes.  This is one of the things he wrote about himself – “2008 was one of the most emotionally charged years of my life.  2009 will probably rival it with the birth of our first child.”  I smiled from ear to ear when I read that, and it still warms my heart to know that our wedding and our unborn baby had that much emotional impact on him.  Little did either of us know what lay in store for our family and how far off course our lives would veer during 2009. 

While the first half of 2009 was benign enough, the second half of the year was less than spectacular.  There are many hypothetical events that could have made things even worse, but overall, the happenings of 2009 pushed me closer to my breaking point than I ever want to be again.  It is safe to say that 2009 has been the worst of my 32 years, but I have survived it - a little worse for the wear - and I hope with every fiber of my being that the deaths of people and pets, identity theft, major computer crashes and staffing challenges (and the horrible timing of all of the above) will not carry through into 2010. 

I am happy to welcome the new year, and I am hopeful that it will be gentle.  I am hopeful that it will bring us a living child to love and nurture.  I am hopeful that our family does not suffer loss of any kind.  I am hopeful that it will be a joyous and peaceful year in every possible way, not only for my family, but for all baby loss families. 

I don’t want this post to be all about how shitty 2009 was (even though it really was), so I want to do my weekly list here and list some of the good things that happened in 2009.
  • We were blessed to have 8 months with Gracie, albeit while she was in my belly, but 8 months none-the-less.  I would not trade those 8 months for anything except a live Gracie.
  • Several good friends and family members welcomed new babies into their families, including one rainbow baby.  Several other friends have recently announced new pregnancies.  As bitter sweet as all of this has been for us, I am truly happy for all of these families; I am so glad that the families with new babies do not know the pain that we now know and I pray that the families who are waiting to welcome their new bundles of joy do not meet the same fate.
  • My sister got her long-awaited assignment with the Peace Corps.  She left in August and is underway in her permanent assignment in Namibia, Africa.  Her departure was another one of those bittersweet moments for me, but there is internet access in Namibia, so all is not lost!!
  • I found my way into the land of baby loss blogs, mostly written by baby loss mamas.  I have formed what I hope are lasting friendships with several ladies that I otherwise would probably never crossed paths with.
  • I had the opportunity to get together for a fantastic reunion-type dinner with most of my cousins over the summer, some of whom I have not seen for several years.  It was fabulous, and unfortunately it probably happen again for several more years!!
  • Slow progress continues to be made toward fixing our house.  It is a multi-year project, but we’re getting there.  I love that my floors are almost level again!
  •  I have become a new me - just not the 'new me' that I was anticipating a year ago.  It has given me a whole new perspective on everything in life.  Everything.  I frequently long for the 'old normal', but continue settle into the 'new normal'.  I am able to move from one day to the next by holding on to the hope that Jeff and I will be able to perpetuate some good, in any dose, from the worst thing that has ever happened to us. 
I wish all of you the very best that 2010 has to offer - let's hope that it only gets better from here!!!



Anonymous said...

*hugs* 2009 was a rough's to an awesome 2010 for everyone!!

Krista said...

(((HUGS))) Here's to a much healthier, happier 2010!

Heather said...

Here's to a happier 2010 free of loss for all of us! I think all of us baby loss moms have been through more than our share of pain. I'm not naive enough to think we'll never find pain in our lives again, but here's to hoping it stays away for a good long while, and may it never again be the kind of pain we have all felt this year!

margaret said...

Susan, this post resonated with me. Although Calvin died at the tail end of 2008, it was the year that followed that just about did me in. I hated 2009. I was dealing with losing my son, my dog died (after having her for her entire life at twelve years old), my marriage almost collapsed and my husband lost his job. I welcome 2010 with open arms and hope for renewal and better days ahead. Of course I too had good moments in 2009 but the bad seemed to far outweigh the good. I can honestly say I have no regrets saying good-bye to this year. Thanks for the great post...Hugs

Mrs. Mother said...

Your 2009 sounds a lot like my 2008. I hope 2010 is as happy (albeit also bittersweet) for you as 2009 was for me.

Debbie said...

2010 is going to be a good year, Susan. <3 I just feel it.

Kim said...

Hi Susan

Thank you for your message on Anna's blog. Who are you on DS? I am also on FB if you want to find me there.

{{{hugs}} to you


Holly said...

I'm hoping it's gentle too. Don't need another 2009 that's for sure.