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Thursday, February 18, 2010

THE POWER OF THE SUBCONSCIOUS

Good friends of ours from college announced around Thanksgiving that they are expecting their second baby in June 2010.  Of course we were/are happy for them, but I had that ugly, green envy lurking under the surface.  It had nothing to do with them - it was simply that I am/was really not okay with the fact that I did not have my Gracie.  We saw them just before Christmas - they were one of the couples that I briefly referenced here - and it was difficult, but regardless, they are our very good friends and we love them. 

It was not until earlier this week that I came to grips with exactly how 'not okay' I really was with the situation, emotionally speaking.  One of them had a Facebook post that referenced needing a second crib, and how actually getting the crib makes the reality of a second baby set in.  For a split second as I was reading that post, I wondered to myself what he was talking about.  And then suddenly it hit me....I have not thought about their pregnancy for almost 2 months.  I think it is safe to say that the entire situation had been completely pushed from my mind.  I was absolutely mortified.  How in the world could I be so self-absorbed...so uncaring... so ridiculous???  This is something that is completely unlike me...this is not the kind of thing I forget about.  Because it is so unlike me, there is only one somewhat reasonable conclusion that I can draw.  I have to assume that my subconscious kicked into overdrive and, as a means of self-preservation, completely pushed everything about their pregnancy from my thoughts.  I would certainly never do anything to hurt our friends, and I know that this was not intentional on my part, but it was quite a lesson in humility... not to mention the absolute realization that my grief still has complete control over me, no matter how much I want to believe that I have control over it.  It makes me wonder what else has been completely pushed from my mind in the last several months...

7 comments:

Heather said...

I get this. I have had similar experiences with so many friends. Even knowing that we might be pregnant ourselves in April doesn't change the jealousy I feel for my friends who have all of their children.

Ashley D said...

Dont beat yourself up over it, it may just be the way your being protected from all those feelings.

I too feel the SAME EXACT WAY about friends that are expecting and also find myself forgetting until something reminds me. I just look at it as it's Nolan's way of protecting me form the hurt.

Crazy sounding I know, but I know my friends understand so I try not to dwell on it. Although, I DO feel bad, because all I want to feel is 'happy' for them, but that feeling is nowhere in sight. In time I guess it will come back.

((hugs))

Maggie said...

I also feel exactly the same way. I've learned that some of my best ways to deal with other people's good news is to simply deny it. I know it's not healthy and I know you cannot, but I can pretend to at least and I can bury it deep, deep down...like it's not even happening. Then I realize it really is and then the anger and jealous feelings all come out all over again. What a crazy ride.
((hugs))

JenJen said...

Do not feel bad! You went through such a traumatic event and had to take care of yourself. If there is any time in life that you should be selfish, it is when you lose a baby. Be gentle with yourself! ((HUGS))

margaret said...

This is so understandable Susan. They are your good friends, they must know how you've suffered. I'm sure they wouldn't begrudge you "forgetting" their pregnancy after all you've lived through. Sending you hugs

Jessica said...

Loosing a baby brings out sides of ourselves that we don't necessarily like...jealousy, rage, anger, frustration because those people have all of their babies and you are still missing one or more of your own. *hugs*

Don't beat yourself up...we all go through this and maybe always will. Thinking of you.

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Thanks for sharing! I'm new to this "club" and appreciate all the women out there that are sharing their experiences as it helps me make more sense of mine.

And congrats on your pregnancy! My husband and I aren't ready to try again yet, but I look forward w/ hope to when we are.