I have been using all of my 'free' time today to very diligently bust through some paperwork...and all day long I have been fighting the urge to blog. I keep thinking about one year ago...one year ago this very day, and one year ago in general.
One year ago this very day I had my second NST with Gracie. I sat for 90 minutes for a minimally reactive, but eventually acceptable NST. One year ago in general we were unknowingly so close to the end. We were almost to the point of starting to suspect that something might be 'not quite right', but we had no idea what was waiting for us just around the corner...just 10 days around the corner.
We knew that we were close to our world changing forever...in terms of being 4 weeks from the due date of our first child. We never, in a million years, suspected that our world would be changed by her death before it was changed by her birth.
I think about all the little things that, in retrospect, very casually pointed toward this end...and I think about all the things that pointed toward a healthy and happy baby and essentially negated all of the other little things that pointed the other direction. I wonder if I will ever stop playing these points over and over in my head...and I conclude that, no matter how many healthy children we go on to have, I don't think I will every stop replaying any of it.
I have been told several times that the weeks leading up to Gracie's first birthday will be much like the weeks leading up to other holidays over the last year...worse than the actual holiday itself. I anticipate that I will find much truth in this, and I am ready for this week and next week to be over. Sigh.