I have been using all of my 'free' time today to very diligently bust through some paperwork...and all day long I have been fighting the urge to blog. I keep thinking about one year ago...one year ago this very day, and one year ago in general.
One year ago this very day I had my second NST with Gracie. I sat for 90 minutes for a minimally reactive, but eventually acceptable NST. One year ago in general we were unknowingly so close to the end. We were almost to the point of starting to suspect that something might be 'not quite right', but we had no idea what was waiting for us just around the corner...just 10 days around the corner.
We knew that we were close to our world changing forever...in terms of being 4 weeks from the due date of our first child. We never, in a million years, suspected that our world would be changed by her death before it was changed by her birth.
I think about all the little things that, in retrospect, very casually pointed toward this end...and I think about all the things that pointed toward a healthy and happy baby and essentially negated all of the other little things that pointed the other direction. I wonder if I will ever stop playing these points over and over in my head...and I conclude that, no matter how many healthy children we go on to have, I don't think I will every stop replaying any of it.
I have been told several times that the weeks leading up to Gracie's first birthday will be much like the weeks leading up to other holidays over the last year...worse than the actual holiday itself. I anticipate that I will find much truth in this, and I am ready for this week and next week to be over. Sigh.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
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8 comments:
I'm dreading this day for you. Keep those blogs coming, get it all out there as much as you can. Don't hold anything in. Hang in there - we're listening. (HUGS)
I agree with ^....get it out and we will lift you!!! no one is expecting this week or next to be easy....its bittersweet to say the least...trying to celebrate this day for Gracie and at the same time...How it is going to be celebrated **sigh** and **tears**....wishing you peace...and a quick 2 weeks!!
I hope these 2 weeks go fast for you. I find that the wait and anticipation of the actual day is worse than the day itself too. Thinking of you and hoping you find some peace real soon!
It is very true Susan that the weeks & days leading up are much worse than the day itself. On Janessa's one year anniversary, I found peace. I like to think that maybe she sent that to me. Kepping you close in my thoughts.
It was true for me that the time leading up was harder than the day itself. A lot harder.
It is true. Hang in there. You know how to find me if you need a dinner out. Thinking of you guys. <3
So true! I find the build up so much worse than the actual event. Every month there is a pause in my life. I have no idea what the one year mark will be like. wishing you as much peace as possible over the next 10 days. And know that Gracie is alright, and SO proud of her Mom and Dad.
I am hoping this very same thing...
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