I have a few more questions waiting to be answered, but I am saving them for a different day. I'm just not feeling it tonight.
I have finally figured out why I feel so perpetually disappointed with the rest of the world's 'handling' of Gracie. It's kind of like what we do with our husbands.... They ask what is wrong, and we respond with "Nothing," really expecting them to know exactly what is wrong and exactly what we want them to do or say to fix it (regardless of what "it" is). I think that is how I have been functioning with everyone over the last year. There are many times that I will answer any question asked, but there are many times that I don't want to engage in conversation...not about Gracie, not about anything. Yet I want every person I interact with to say or do that perfect thing without prompting. I want them to know exactly what I am thinking, feeling and needing without any prompting at all. I want to forever be able to answer with "Nothing," but still get what I want and need from people at the exact moment that I want and need it.
Funny the ridiculous thoughts that grief creates, even a year later...
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
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8 comments:
But that's JUST how it is!!!! It's as if we've already gone through enough tragedy and hurt...we've paid the dues...we shouldn't HAVE to lay out what we need, how we need it, when we need it! People should just KNOW!
But, that's not fair to us or them...and honestly, if you are anything like me, what I need or want can change at the drop of the hat. If *I* can't even keep up, I doubt anyone else really can.
But it sure would be nice!!!
I hear ya. I have many days...especially at the conclusion of an unsucessful month TTC...that I don't want to talk at all. Yet I want everyone to know just what I'm thinking/feeling and I think they should just have the common sense to leave me the #?*! alone...
That is exactly how I feel too, I just couldn't articulate it as well as you could. I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one who feels like that. I'm going to copy and paste your post to my email so that I can access it easily and read it over and over again when I am feeling particularly disatisfied with everything and everyone around me (which is almost all the time....no, it is all the time).
I completely agree with the feeling of just wanting people to "know"....It's so much easier than trying to explain. The feeling of just wanting to be alone happens much more frequently to me since the loss of my baby girl. I'm much more comfortable being in my own thoughts than trying to explain how much pain I am feeling to people who ultimately don't and may never understand. May you always have people around you that understand your need to be yourself...in good days and bad.
How I wish I could tell this to everyone!! I want everyone to know the same stuff, and it so annoying cause half the time I DONT even know what i want and then i realize it all boils down to wanting Alyssa...if I had her none of this other stuff would be in my brain ((hugs)) i am thinking of you as the day approaches...the questions are really teaching us a lot about you ;)
You said it!!! I understand this so well. (((HUGS)))
Amen! This hits home for me today as we're having a friend of my husband's over for dinner tonight. She was deeply touched when our daughter died. I imagine her asking me tonight how I'm doing - and the truth of the matter is - I'm doing awful today. But I'll probably tell her I'm doing fine. So what's she supposed to do with that? Say, "No, I don't think you are. It's obvious you're falling apart today." Yeah right! I don't know... is it my inability to talk openly w/ others, and/or is it me picking up on the feeling they don't really want to know? Probably some of both.
Thanks for naming this dilemna.
Yes, I could have written this. I just read your birth story of your sweet Gracie on Faces of Loss. Beautiful! It looks like you had a great 1st birthday for her. She is beautiful! I look forward to following your blog.
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