March for Babies

We couldn't have asked for more beautiful weather for our walk yesterday.  When all was said and done, we turned in $1098 in donations.  I could not be happier with how much money we raised!!  Overall, it was a good day, but the underlying reason for being there just sucks ass.  I ran into an acquaintance from high school who was walking with a group of L&D nurses - it was good to see her.  Believe it or not, it never occurred to me before I got there yesterday that I would probably see some of the kids that I provide service for - what a novel concept, considering that they all have some sort of special need.  I did, in fact, run into several parents and/or kids that I have worked with over the last few years.  I had one chance encounter that was not overly pleasant, but it's not really something that I can write about here in case the wrong people happy to wander into my blog.  I will be glad to share details with inquiring minds who want to email me... (but it's not really that interesting)    :-)

A few pictures of our picture perfect day....

GRACIE'S NAME IN VERMONT

Many thanks to Jill at Vermont Angels and Footprints on our Hearts for doing these fantastic photos of Gracie's name.  I just love the first one!!  Thanks so much, Jill!!

Pictures

These pictures are for Katie, who asked tonight how Carley is settling in.  Overall, she is settling in very well...especially considering that she came from an Amish farm where 24 dogs (in addition to Carley and her puppy) and 2 horses were seized...not an overly loving environment.   We anticipate that she will be with us for several years to come, and we are very confident that she will be good with kids...

This picture was taken on Easter Sunday; Jeff and I took the dogs with us when we went to Gracie's grave to release balloons, plant a couple flowers and do a little clean up.  (Carley is on the left, Morgan is on the right)

I took this picture yesterday - they were sacked out in front of the warm morning fire. I have lost the couch forever.   :-)

NERVOUSNESS for OTHERS

Several of my real life friends and acquaintances are pregnant right now (all healthy and relatively uneventful pregnancies so far).  I am friends with most of them on FB, so their posts allow me to see on a regular basis just how excited they are as their due dates approach.  Every time I read one of these posts and feel their building excitement, I can help but become so nervous for each of them. 

Just today, one of them posted "One month to go!  I can't believe we're so close now."  My heart just sank with anxiety when I read this.  She is 36 years old, and this will be their first baby after some fertility issues.  It is my understanding that much time, effort, emotion and money went into making this baby happen, and that their excitement for this baby has pretty much shot right off the charts.  I think back to our 8 month mark - July 28th - and how excited we were to be so close to bringing our first born home.  I had no idea what was ahead of us....no idea that within the next 72 hours our first born would be dead and our endless excitement snuffed out - seemingly without warning.  Top this off with reading Holly's heart-wrenching post today, and it just plain sucks. 


I expect to feel my own anxiety as we continue the journey with Jellybean, but I never expected to feel this much anxiety for others.  Of course, it's something that you really need to keep to yourself so you don't scare the hell out of everyone between now and their E.D.D.   Statistically speaking, it should not happen to anyone that I know...but statistically speaking, it shouldn't have happened to us, either.  That makes the feeling of impending doom that much worse.  It makes me wonder all over again what horrid lottery we all won to be part of this awful club and all of the emotional baggage that goes with it.

SPRING

Spring has arrived in central PA, bringing with is many unseasonably warm days over the last few weeks.  I love spring and early summer.  I look forward to shutting down the wood stove, opening all of the windows, taking the dogs to the park to run and swim, watching the kids playing soccer and Little League.  I look forward to the return of green and the colors that come with newly blooming flowers, the smell of freshly cut grass, and the approach of the last day of school.  For months I was looking forward to enjoying all of this with Miss Gracie in tow.  I was so looking forward to wearing Gracie for our walks with the dogs.  For the last few days (more so than most other days since July 31st) I have been feeling robbed.  Having a dead baby is just so unfair.  I have been without Gracie longer than I carried her - somehow that just seems to surreal to me.  Perhaps it is all compounded by the questions brought about by Jellybean's increasing visibility; perhaps it is compounded by the sheer exhaustion that I am fighting (and losing to) on a daily basis; perhaps it is just the fact that every day I see more evidence of the fact that life is not fair.  Who knows.  All I know for sure is that I miss my little peanut a whole lot these days.

On a different note, we will be doing our March for Babies next Saturday.  Our team is 8 walkers strong, and we have raised just over $700 so far.  Not too shabby considering that I was intially hoping to raise $300.  Of course, I wish that I had no reason to do this walk, but I am looking forward to a nice day to walk in remembrance of our first born.  Hoping that all who walked this weekend had nice weather, and wishing the same for all those walking next week.  

CATCHING UP

I apparently typed a post last week that somehow never published to my blog, but aside from that post and my March for Babies posts, I have been away from the baby loss blogosphere for another relatively extended period of time.   Before I get too far into my thoughts here, I have several ladies to thank, in no particular order.  I have to tell you, ladies, that I will never tire of the creative ways you continue to find to put Gracie's name in writing!!

Many thanks to Laura over at Angel Baby Names for doing Gracie's name.  

Thanks to Tiffany over at Names on the Sidewalk for also doing Gracie's name. 

  

Thanks for the Easter greeting from Michelle at Missing Juanito.  

Many thanks also go to Misty at Heaven's Seashells for also doing several great photos of Gracie's name.  

I hope that you all had relatively peaceful Easter weekend.  Ours was relatively uneventful.  Instead of going to our first Easter egg hunt, we visited Gracie's grave and released a few balloons.  When we arrived at the cemetery, we were greeted by a pretty yellow flower, a ceramic Easter Bunny and a ceramic Easter basket (with ceramic eggs, of course) that my father and step-mom left there some time last week.  We did a little spring clean up while we were there; some of the bulbs that we planted in the fall are finally starting to come up.  I am excited to see those flowers in full bloom in a few weeks.

The last couple of weeks have held a few 'firsts' for me.  On Friday the 26th, I went for my first massage since Gracie died.  For the last 5-6 years, I have generally been an 'every 3-5 weeker' for massage.  I was was unable to get to the one that I had scheduled in July, and I was simply not up for it in August and most of September.  After that, all hell broke loose in my office and it was just impossible to schedule.    I am pretty tight with my massage therapist, and have talked to her on a regular basis since August, but we have not really talked about Gracie until my appointment.  The massage was as I expected, but I didn't do much for setting the atmosphere - we spent the whole hour talking about my dead baby and her recent divorce.  I am SO ready for the day that Gracie's death isn't new to people.

My husband and I are registered for the March for Babies, which is another first for us.  At this point, we will be walking with our parents and a family friend.  We will also be joined by 'L,' who is the first-grade daughter of family friends.  Because she was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy several years ago, she also visits me twice a week for physical therapy.  She is a very smart young lady who does not miss a beat.  She was very 'involved' in my pregnancy with Gracie, and regularly asked about Gracie's movement habits and what Gracie was going to be when she grew up.  She was also rather affected by Gracie's death and asked more questions than most adults - sadly, her questions and comments have, for the part, been more appropriate and made more sense than the quesitons asked by many adults.  After registering for the March for Babies, I posted a link to our team page on Facebook.  Not too long after I posted, L sent me a message that she was going to bring me $10 for Gracie and perhaps do the 'walk-a-thon.'  Sure enough, when she came for her next appointment, she handed over $10 from her Tooth Fairy jar and told me that she was going to do the walk with us on her scooter.  

L and I have been fundraising allies for a couple of years, as I am a lock-up volunteer for the M.D.A.'s annual Lock-Up fundraiser.  But I have been touched more by her generosity than anyone can imagine.  Money is so precious to kids - I can remember losing a $5 bill at Yankee Stadium when I was about 10 or 12 and thinking that it was the end of the world.  To have a 7 year old kid with a major disability voluntarily hand over $10 of her Tooth Fairy money (that she is saving for a trip to Disney) just absolutely floored me.  I am pretty sure that I have never witnessed a purer, more innocent and selfless act in my life.  I guess it just goes to prove that there is no way to ever really tell how far the reach of our babies really extends.

I have been missing Gracie a lot lately.  I don't really say it out loud that often...I guess I don't really even 'say' it here that often.  But I miss her more with each passing day.  Some days I think I miss her so much that it just makes me crazier than I already am.   I think that it is sometimes worse because of the goings on with Jellybean, and I wonder if that will ever change.  I suspect that it won't.  


I would like to officially welcome my wonderful friend Dawn to the blogosphere; stop in and read more about her son Brayden.  I have been thinking of all of you over the last few days, as we moved through yet another holiday without our little ones, but I would like to send out the following thoughts as I close tonight....  Congratulations to Jamie on the arrival of her rainbow.  Many non-trembling warm fuzzies headed over to Bree and little Nora with hopes that Nora stays put for several more weeks.   Warm thoughts also to Tina as she approaches Sophia and Ellie's first birthday and inches closer and closer to meeting her rainbow.  Also sending warm fuzzies to Heather and Kristin, who are in the early phases of 'chasing' their rainbows.   Thinking of Margaret and wishing healing and peace for Julie and her family in the coming days and weeks.  


Wishing you all a peaceful week...see you again in a week or two...or whenever I feel the need to purge again. 

GRIEVING

I vaguely remember typing this post some time last week, but for some reason it never published.  Consequently I found it tonight when I logged in to type a new post.  

I was scanning through a bunch of music in my Ipod between schools on Monday and found the City of Angels soundtrack.  It used to be one of my favorites, but I haven't listened to it since August.  I think part of me was afraid to listen to it, and part of me has simply gravitated toward music that will teleport me into a different world.  Anyway, one of the songs that Peter Gabriel sings, I Grieve, caught me on Monday.  I have listened to it hundreds of times before, but now it has all new meaning.  For those who are unfamiliar, the lyrics are below...I have bolded some of the words that really speak to me. 

It was only one hour ago

It was all so different then

There's nothing yet has really sunk in

Looks like it always did

This flesh and bone

It's just the way that we are tied in

Now there's no-one home

I grieve for you

You leave me

So hard to move on

Still loving what's gone

They say life carries on

Carries on and on and on and on

The news that truly shocks 
Is the empty empty page

While the final rattle rocks 
It's empty empty cage

And I can't handle this

I grieve for you

You leave me

Let it out and move on

Missing what's gone

They say life carries on

They say life carries on and on and on

Life carries on

In the people I meet

In everyone that's out on the street

In all the dogs and cats

In the flies and rats

In the rot and the rust

In the ashes and the dust

Life carries on and on and on and on

Life carries on and on and on

It's just the car that we ride in

A home we reside in

The face that we hide in

The way we are tied in

And life carries on and on and on and on

Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief?

Or did I believe this dream?

Now I can find relief

I grieve.