#25 - Weekly list - the 3rd edition

This week's list will be comprised of things that I am looking forward to - short term and/or long term.  Feel free to join me in sharing what you are looking forward to....

• The incisions from yesterday's gall bladder surgery healing - although they are fabulous incentive to avoid a c-section at all costs in the future!
• Finding and hiring a fabulous new physical therapist so I don't have to work a gazillion hours a week.  
  
• Being surrounded by fabulous family for the holidays
•  The completion of the new floor in my living room.  (We started this project in June, in anticipation of Gracie's arrival.  We ripped up the old, nasty carpet and purchased laminate flooring to hold us over until we start the big renovations on the first floor of the house in a few years.  Circumstances surrounding Gracie's arrival brought this project to a complete stand still, and the floor is still not done - but it's getting there!)
• My husband continuing to move through his grief.  I am so blessed to be married to the love of my life, but we are definitely in two different places in our grief.  This makes it difficult to understand each other and sometimes creates tension.
  
• My next pregnancy, which will most hopefully end in welcoming a rainbow baby into our family late in 2010!

#24 - REUNION

I had posted earlier in the week that DH and I were hoping that today would be a good enough day for us to attend a reunion of the couples from our Bradley class.  Our class ended in mid-June and we haven't gotten together as a group since then.  As it turns out, it was a good enough day for both of us, so we went.    They had lots of questions for us, and I think we were able to answer them pretty well.  Overall, it was a good afternoon - it was a true exercise in strength, and I was definitely a little sad inside, but I am glad that we went.  A group picture of the babies was taken - I am so sad that Gracie couldn't be part of it....but they are a good looking bunch of babies.  :-)

#23 - March of Dimes Fight for Preemies

Jill posted information on her blog about March of Dimes Fight for Preemies. I wanted to share the info with those who do not follow Jill's blog.

#22 - A DIFFERENT DAY

I hope that today has been kind to all of you and that each of you reading here has had a somewhat easy day. I have found amongst my blog reading that sometimes we get caught up in all of the crappy feelings that we forget to mention the good stuff. I posted on Tuesday that the day had been simply hellacious; today was just the opposite! I woke up feeling good - tired, but good (tired is just a way of life for me). I enjoyed every single kid that I worked with today - they were all on their very best behavior! All of the adults were also in pleasant moods today.

While I was at my old school (as in where I actually attended school) treating kids today, I ran into my old phys. ed. teacher, who is retired now but still fills in occasionally as a substitute. We got to talk for 5 or 6 minutes and, while it was a brief conversation, it was fantastic. It lifted me up higher than I already was. She had not heard about Gracie, and seemed genuinely sad when I told her.

The sun is shining and the temperature reached 65 degrees, which is unusual for mid-November in Pennsylvania. Usually it is cold, rainy and miserable. I know that I will never be the 'pre-Gracie' me again, but today is the first day in the last 15 weeks that I have really felt like myself. It is so hard to believe that I feel like this on a Friday, which is the day of the week that Gracie died (today marks 15 weeks). I thought that when this day came, I would feel some pangs of guilt - but so far I am guilt-free - and hoping to stay that way.

The weekend looks relatively promising - decent weather, possibly getting together with some friends tomorrow night, and a little reunion on Sunday with the other 4 couples from our Bradley Method birth class. I am anxious to see everyone again, but a little bit nervous about seeing 4 new babies at once. Keeping my fingers crossed for myself and DH on this one!!

To balance this out, DH unfortunately informed me about an hour ago that his day had been 'pretty shitty.' We are off to our nephew's HS football playoff game, so hopefully that will bring him up a little bit.

Wishing anyone who reads this an easy and peaceful weekend...

#21 - Every Life Has A Story - This is Gracie's

There was a bright spot at the end of my day today. I received the link to Gracie's new video from Malory. I wish so much that I did not have to want and need this video, but I am so glad to have it. Malory did a fantastic job, and I could not be more pleased with how it came out. If you have not checked out Malory's Butterfly Footprints page, I urge you to do so. 

Click here to watch Gracie's video. 

#20 - TODAY WAS NOT A DAY OF PEACE

Today had not been the greatest of days.  I guess I need to amend yesterday's Secret Garden post to read “most days I find peace….”   Today has not been a day of peace, but instead one of those days that you feel like everything around you is taking a big, fat header into the toilet.   I was sick yesterday and still don’t feel the greatest.  I am having my gall bladder removed next Thursday, and this morning was my pre-op testing.  It (inexplicably, of course) took longer for me to move through pre-op testing than it will actually take for the surgeon to remove my gallbladder and close me up.  I feel like most of the people that I came into contact with at work today took a big handful of stupid asshole pills this morning.  All day long an incredible urge to crawl to the top of the tallest building around and scream at everyone who pretended/s to understand what I am feeling right now…… ‘No.  No, you don’t know.  You are not carrying two full caseloads of school kids and outpatients, and trying to manage the business on top of it.  You are not searching desperately for another therapist to ease the load (without busting the checking account on advertising).  You are not having your stupid gall bladder out next week and eating up two days of the work week to do so.  Perhaps the best friend you've ever had in your life might live 3 hours away - or further, but your only sister is definitely not in Namibia.  You are not still working through the very recent loss of a baby old enough to have lived on the outside....and trying to figure out what is really going on inside your husband's head with regard to his own grief.  And since you mentioned it...no, 6 is not the same as 36!!!’  Top it all off with a major case of ‘Gracie on the brain’ and you have my day in a nutshell.  These days are becoming much fewer and further between, but today it hit like a category 5 hurricane.  I try to remember that it is all relative….someone else is always having a worse day because of worse circumstances….and I need to focus on sucking it up and moving forward when it all culminates like this.

All of that said, I needed something a bit positive to pick me up, so I did my weekly list today.  This week’s list is comprised of things that I believe or believe in.  

·        I believe that every childbirth preparation class should have at least a short segment dedicated to pregnancy and infant loss.  I have heard the same thing over and over during the last 3 months – “We don’t want to freak out the pregnant women.”  I’m sorry – that doesn’t cut it.  I agree that there is no reason to freak people out, but there is a big difference between freaking them out and making them aware that it can happen to anyone – at any time – without warning.  At very least, every expectant parent should know about NILMDTS.  Memorabilia is all we have left of our babies, and these incredible photos have the potential to be a huge part of that memorabilia. DH and I took 13 or 14 pictures with our own camera, but I wish so much that we had known about NILMDTS when Gracie died.

·        I believe in signs.  Big fat screaming signs that jump out at us, itty bitty subtle signs that we have to look a little harder to see and everything in between.  Many people say ‘not a sign, just a coincidence’….but I believe that there are specific signs for all of us.  I got a grandiose sign this weekend – I cannot go into detail about it in case my husband decides to pop into my blog (I turned the sign into a surprise for him), but I am quite excited about it!

·        I believe that every life is put on this earth to accomplish something specific.  Obviously, my tiny peanut fulfilled her specific purpose quite quickly, but I wish with every fiber of my being that I knew exactly what that purpose was.

·        I believe that everything happens for a reason.  I am so tired of hearing this from people, and it has been difficult for me to swallow over the last 3 months – but deep down, I truly believe this.  (It sure would help if we could eventually know the true reasoning for some things, though, instead of just guessing……)

·        I believe that we all come into this world with a ‘pre-stamped’ expiration date.  This completely contradicts everything I do in life and everything else that I believe in.  I think that I have always felt this way, but I cannot say for sure why.  I believe that everything in our lives simply lays the groundwork for getting us to that final moment on our predetermined day, and that our cause or mechanism of death is simply a formality that keeps life ‘interesting.’  To this end, I always wonder about the lives I have had a hand in ‘saving.’  Did we really save their life or was it simply not their time???

·        I believe that I will find true happiness when we welcome a rainbow baby.  Gracie cannot be replaced – no other child can ever be our first born, no other child can ever be our first love – but I believe that the living children that are yet to come will fill us with happiness.  I believe that Gracie will live on in each of them.  I hope with everything that I have that this happens sooner than later for us. 

#19 - October Secret Garden Meeting

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

This is my first Secret Garden Meeting post. I am truly sorry that any of us have to be here. We unexpectedly lost our first born at 36 weeks just 14 weeks ago. Some days the 14 weeks seems like years, other days it seems like only a few days have passed. Some days are good, and others are a little rough; overall I think better days are starting to outnumber the rough days. Rough days now seem to have specific triggers instead of just creeping up at random. I usually have a few ‘funky’ days each week that fall somewhere between anger and sadness….just kind of blah, I suppose. I am looking forward to more good days and associating Gracie’s memory with love and all things good instead of sadness and grief.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace…

I feel that I have fully accepted Gracie’s death. As much as I hate her death, I know that it cannot be changed. The only thing I can do is accept it and find some peace in hoping that after DH and I have allowed ourselves a little more time to heal, we can use this experience to help others as they join this most undesirable club. I have found more peace than I imagined in knowing that this horrible event has created an even stronger bond in my marriage (although it can sometimes be frustrating to accept the way men handle their grief…), and that together DH and I will be able to weather anything life throws at us. There is also much peace in knowing that Gracie will always be part of our family, and that she will live on in all of us, including her younger siblings.

Over the next month or so, we will be moving into the ‘not preventing new pregnancy’ stage. There is some definitely angst as we get closer to that point. I remain frustrated that we will likely have no further answers about Gracie’s death. The medical professional in me needs that explanation to satisfy my brain. The mother in me needs that explanation to satisfy my heart and quell some of the nervousness that will come as we move through our future pregnancies. I am looking forward to the day when I no longer feel the need to have that answer.

#18 - GRACIE'S HOPE COLLAGE & BUTTERFLY

I remarked not long ago about some of the amazing women in baby loss blogland who offer other grieving parents a route of expression and remembrance as they make this journey.  Below I have posted pictures of Gracie's hope collage and Gracie's butterfly - both provided by some of these wonderful women.  Thank you, ladies, for your amazing work!


The hope collage was done by Franchesca Cox, whose first born child, Jenna Belle, lived only 13 days.  Her story and other collages can be found by visiting Abiding Hope Collages

 The butterfly was done by Bree, who lost her daughter Ella at 23 weeks in March.  Bree's story and Ella's parade of butterflies can be found at My Baby Butterfly Ella