The support group that we attend is wonderful. While we certainly have very serious periods of discussion, there is always some lighthearted conversation to counter the really serious stuff. At our last meeting, there was loose discussion about why some of us still attend and how long we will choose to attend the monthly meetings. Those of us who are support group junkies pretty much had the same answer; we still attend because it helps us in one way or another. More or less, we will attend "as long as we feel that it continues to help us...as long as we need to."
Sometimes I ask myself the same question about writing here in this space...why do I still come here to write and how long will I continue to do so? What can there possibly be to say that I haven't said already? At some point, many of us who write here in the baby loss blogosphere have asked ourselves these questions. I have asked them before, and I've blogged about them before. I have questioned specifically whether I come here and write because I am down or if I am down because I come here and write. Tonight I looked back through several months of old posts, and that was all I needed to answer that question. I come here when everything inside has built up to an undesirable level, and the end result, I think, brings me up more than it brings me down.
I write because it's still an outlet. The further we move from Gracie's death, the more the world around me expects that I am, or soon will be, the old me. With that expectation comes the people who just just don't want to hear about it anymore...the people who cannot or will not accept that the old me just doesn't exist. With that expectation comes building frustration...and the need to write and purge. I come here to purge because the people 'here' get it, and even if they don't get it, I still don't need to worry about being judged or criticized. Sometimes I come here, not because I am looking for feedback or comments, but because it's better to write here than it is to talk out loud to an empty room.
I write because my words are sometimes helpful to others. It pains me to know that there are new women joining this community every day, but there is a small measure of comfort in knowing that some of them make their way into the blogosphere and find comfort in various blogs, including this one. If I have to be in this position, and let's face it...I don't have a choice in the matter, I am glad that something 'good' can come of it.
Most importantly, I write for the love of my daughter. A deep-rooted, unending, unconditional love that only a parent can understand. Enough said.