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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Overwhelming and Numbing

This grief overwhelms me; it burns in my stomach, and I can't stop bumping into things.... This loss is numbing me; it pierces my chest, and I can't stop dropping everything.  
~Alanis Morissette

As I look back at my posts from the last few months, I can almost see and feel my pain jumping off of the computer screen and smacking me in the face.   Some days I feel like I'm walking backwards through my grief.  I desperately want it to stop.  I want that constant feeling in the bottom of my heart and the pit of my stomach be gone.  I want to be able to stop mourning the loss of what I thought my life was going to stop mourning what should have been with my first stop mourning what will never be.  I want the griefless days to outnumber the days filled with grief.  I want to talk about people to stop telling me how strong I am and/or that they could never live through such a thing.  I want people to understand that we had two live through our loss or roll over and die because of our loss...and I want them to understand that strength has nothing to do with the decision.  I never asked to be, or planned to be, a BLM.  I don't want a dead baby and I certainly don't want to belong to this club anymore.  I just don't.  Too bad it isn't that simple. 

Despite feeling like I've been walking backwards over the last few months, the last few days have been pretty good.  Two of the last 5 days I have felt like Super Woman; I've been productive at work and home...almost feeling like 'myself'.  Fingers crossed that it sticks around for at least a few weeks!  


Becky said...

hello I am new to your blog. I am seminew blm-1-3-11 was the day my Liam passed away.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am to read about the loss of your Gracie.
I just love hearing from people that they could never live through a loss like ours, did I have an option, I can either live or die. Why can't people realize that we didn't ask for this!
Sorry to hear you feel like your going backwards at time but glad to see you had a few very productive days also. Take care

Maggie said...

I'm sorry it feels like you've been walking backwards in this grief, but I'm glad you've felt better the last few days. Hoping it stays that way. I hate this "club" too. Nothing about it is right or what I had ever hoped for (except for meeting you lovely ladies!). xoxo

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Ya know, I've had such similar thoughts!

And I agree about when people comment about how strong we are, and how they couldn't do it. Really? What other choices do they know about that I haven't figured out? It's so silly. I get that people probably mean it as a compliment, but it doesn't make any sense.

Lots of love to you!