Overwhelming and Numbing

This grief overwhelms me; it burns in my stomach, and I can't stop bumping into things.... This loss is numbing me; it pierces my chest, and I can't stop dropping everything.  
~Alanis Morissette

As I look back at my posts from the last few months, I can almost see and feel my pain jumping off of the computer screen and smacking me in the face.   Some days I feel like I'm walking backwards through my grief.  I desperately want it to stop.  I want that constant feeling in the bottom of my heart and the pit of my stomach be gone.  I want to be able to stop mourning the loss of what I thought my life was going to be...to stop mourning what should have been with my first born...to stop mourning what will never be.  I want the griefless days to outnumber the days filled with grief.  I want to talk about people to stop telling me how strong I am and/or that they could never live through such a thing.  I want people to understand that we had two choices...to live through our loss or roll over and die because of our loss...and I want them to understand that strength has nothing to do with the decision.  I never asked to be, or planned to be, a BLM.  I don't want a dead baby and I certainly don't want to belong to this club anymore.  I just don't.  Too bad it isn't that simple. 

Despite feeling like I've been walking backwards over the last few months, the last few days have been pretty good.  Two of the last 5 days I have felt like Super Woman; I've been productive at work and home...almost feeling like 'myself'.  Fingers crossed that it sticks around for at least a few weeks!