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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I Carry Your Heart With Me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
- e. e. cummings ~

Perhaps I'm in a bit of a slump.  I don't know.  I think about Gracie all the time, but the last few days I've been thinking about Gracie ALL the time.  And then I think about my thoughts.  

I think about where I really am in the 5 step grieving process that we all know so well... 
Denial and Isolation

Or perhaps the more comprehensive and thorough seven stages of grief.....the five stages outlined above plus Pain/Guilt and Testing/Reconstruction...

Pain and Guilt

At this stage, the grieving person realizes that the loss that has happened is true. This is the most chaotic and scary stage of grief. Many people succumb to alcohol and drugs at this stage of grief. Intense feelings of guilt and compunction are experienced due to the wrong things done which led to this irreversible loss. Sometimes, in grief, people blame themselves and consider themselves responsible for the loss.

Testing and Reconstruction

This is the testing stage in which the depressed person starts to indulge in other activities so as to escape the disturbing sorrow. In fact this is the beginning of the next and last stage, i.e. acceptance of and coming to terms with the reality. It is also a stage of reconstruction as in this stage, he starts the process reconstruction of his life by searching for solutions and ways to come out of his grief.

I read the definition of all of these, and can't find where my thoughts fit.  I guess if I had to assign myself to a stage, it would be acceptance.  I have accepted Gracie's death for what it is.  Death.  Permanence.  So the wondering that goes on constantly in my mind...the wondering about all of the things we missed with Gracie...wondering about what she would look like, what she would sound like, what kind of personality she would part of my grief/acceptance or is that part of my healing?  Certainly, every parent who has lost a child, at any age and under any circumstances, has wondered these things.  Certainly it is normal, but what is it?  Grief or healing? 

These thoughts have been playing at full volume in my mind over the last few days.  I don't like full volume.  I don't necessarily want them to go away; one of my greatest fears is forgetting, and the first step in forgetting is the clearing of thoughts, but a much lower volume would be much better.  Regardless of the volume, I will always carry Gracie's heart with me.  It will forever beat within mine. 


New Year Mum said...

Hi... I've just starting blogging and saw your beautiful photo - stunning and your description of how you feel it mirrors your pregnancy, I can truly relate to. Sorry for your loss and thinking of you. It will be the first birth day anniversary for our little one too next week. xo

Maggie said...

Thinking of you. I think we all fear that we're going to forget after a certain time, but we never will. Our babies are always going to be a part of us. XO