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Sunday, February 20, 2011


Franchesca @ Small Bird Studio has started a blog hop...if you haven't checked it out, go over and do so!! 

Fran has put this question out there for each of us to answer...What small {or big!} miracles have brought you hope lately? I hope you'll share a piece of your journey by joining the blog hop :)  My post contains possible emotional with caution toward the end. 

I have written several posts over the last 17 months about signs and things that have brought me hope during this journey.  There are times that these little bits of hope seem to creep up on a daily basis, or sometimes several times a day; there are times that is seems weeks will pass without a glimmer of hope to be found.  Sometimes all the hope I need can be found in the little things...a random butterfly or dragonfly, seeing the name Grace or Gracie somewhere unexpectedly, the stars.

Sometimes my hope is found in many larger forms...the unconditional love and support from my husband, a text from my receptionist that says 'Happy Mother's Day', bright sunlight shining through the tiniest opening in the densest of cloud cover. 

I find hope in reading the stories of and/or talking to other women who have survived this incredible journey.  Knowing that it survivable, no matter how painful it is sometimes, makes all the difference.  I often wonder where I would be, or what my frame of mind would be, if I wasn't part of the BLM blogosphere.  Sometimes being able to say to myself "...if I can survive losing a child, I can absolutely survive (fill in the blank)...", and it just would not be this way if I wasn't here.  I don't know if I can call it hope, but there is certainly comfort in being able to come here and purge whatever thoughts and feelings need to be purged in order to get on with my day.  On the other side of the coin, there is hope in knowing that there are others who read my blog and find comfort, hope, support...whatever it is that they need to take away from reading others' blogs. 

For me, there is also much hope in being able to find the positives in our loss.  We attend a support group where we have made friends.  I am trying to get a Face2Face group up and running where we live.  I am working with another BLM on a memory box project for a hospital that does not currently do memory boxes.  (It actually pisses me off that they don't do boxes, but I keep reminding myself that we aren't doing it for the hospital...we are doing it for the families who will, in coming months, find themselves standing in that terrible place that we stood in on August 1, 2009.)  I have been able to contribute something small to the memory boxes that our hospital gives to loss families.  My husband and I started a March for Babies team last year; we were able to raise just over $1500 for last year's walk.  We were asked to be the local Ambassador family for this year's walk; our team goal this year is two-fold: to raise at least $5000 for the March of Dimes and to raise stillbirth awareness.  (Click here if you would like to donate!!)

After listing all of these pieces of hope, I would be remiss if I didn't mention my biggest source of hope...our rainbow baby Jenna, who was born in September.  We are fortunate to not have experienced fertility issues thus far in our journey to start our family; this, in and of itself, brings so much hope for us.  Then, after 39 weeks of waiting for the other shoe to fall, we were blessed with a healthy, beautiful baby girl.  While she doesn't erase the pain of Gracie's absence, she certainly provides us with so much hope for the future.  She is the light of our lives, and most days that light is a fantastic counterbalance to the dark that persisted for many months...


butterflymom said...

Thank you or sharing such a beautiful post...full of hope and remembrance. I know how much hope you have given me through this journey after finding your blog and reading about Grace. And then, I was able to follow your journey with your rainbow baby, Jenna. I'm so happy for you and only wish good things your way, Susan. ((hugs and love))

ccc said...

You left a really nice comment on my blog, so I just had to come over to your blog. I read your story of Gracie. I looked at her beautiful pictures. So sorry that we are meeting under these circumstances, but also so glad that we are.
I just wanted to comment on your prevailing theory on your daughter. I have been researching(on my own) about down syndrome for a couple years now. I have a 3 1/2 year old son who is delayed and no diagnosis can be found at this time. Mosaic down syndrome had been suggested by someone at one point years ago and he did have blood tests, but it did not test for mosaicism. I can't bear at this point to take him back in for more testing, but we will eventually. Anyways, I have looked at so many photos of down syndrome babies/children studying them so very closely to see if there is any resemblance to my son. I would like to say that I agree with your diagnosis of down syndrome for Gracie. She is so beautiful-I really mean it.

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

My first baby boy (Zeke) passed away eight years ago. I still can't believe we have a healthy two-year-old boy now. He was born on my husband's birthday--what are the odds. I know how you feel in that my second son will never replace Zeke, but I'm so thankful he's here. I often wonder if Zeke can see us and if he smiles and laughs when we laugh. I hope he's enjoying our journey as much as we are. I still miss him so much.

Becky Baker said...

Thanks for your reply! It's comforting to know/hear of other BLM's who have gone on to have successful pregnancies! I am in the middle of trying to find a MFM who us comfortable with our situation! Any input from you, a success, I would truly love! Thanks and congrats!!