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Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Last Few Weeks

Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It's not a day on a calendar, not a birthday, not a new year. It's an event --big or small, something that changes us. Ideally it gives us hope. A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories. What's important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning. But it's also important to remember that amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to.

I have determined that I must watch way to much Grey's Anatomy, since I have been quoting it quite regularly over the last few months.  I have nothing specific to say about this quote other than it just seemed to fit perfectly at the moment I heart it, and it just seems to fit in general.  I feel like it provides that little porthole for someone to look through and perhaps begin to understand another person that they didn't previously understand.

We were not able to get to the cemetery on October fact we have not been there in a month.  To observe the day, we did the wave of light and released 3 balloons from home.  My father and step-mom live less than a mile from the cemetery; I sent some balloons with her to leave in the cemetery when I relieved her from her babysitting duties...but it just wasn't the same. 

Gracie's wall

Continued prayers are needed for little Eleanor Joy.  I got an update at the end of last week that she is still in the NICU and that her respiratory status had been deteriorating instead of improving.  Keep up that positive energy, girls!  On the same front, a new couple attended our support group meeting last month.  There is always someone new out's just not right.  As proof of the lack of support in this area, they drove about an hour one way to get to our group.  Also in the prayer department, the suspected cancer in my MIL's colon has been confirmed.  She will have surgery tomorrow to completely remove the section of colon that is left.  Keeping things in the family, my heart continues to break for my BIL.  His birthday was Friday, and we had him over for dinner.  Dinner was good, but he wasn't really here.  He was in the same place that many of us experienced on our first post-loss birthday.  Part of him is forever missing, and many other parts are permanently damaged.  During the dark and low moments, he leaves messages on her FB wall that just absolutely break my heart.  I so wish I could fix it all for him. 

In other 'news', I had an awkward encounter at Tar.get two weeks ago.  I ran into a speech therapist who works in one of the elementary schools that I am in every week to provide services.  I am known throughout the building by most of the teachers and at least half of them sent us sympathy cards a year ago for Gracie's death.  Anyway, this speech therapist started fussing over Jenna as soon as she saw us.  And then she looked at me and said "Your first was a boy, right?"  I said "no, a girl," to which she responded "Oh...well, how is she adjusting?"  Seriously???   Come on.  I stuttered for a moment, partly because her teenage daughter was also standing there, but then I said "Well, actually she never came home from the hospital with us, so there's not really an adjustment period."  The look on her face said "Holy did I not know this?!?!" but the only words to come from her mouth were "Oh.  I'm sorry."  Then we awkwardly parted ways.  Scarring encounter?  Not really...just bizarre.  I am in that building every week.  I run into that woman every's been that way for 4 years now.  Half (no exaggeration) of the teachers in that building sent us sympathy cards, so I know people were talking about it.  The same people who sent us cards went out of their way to keep tabs on my pregnancy with Jenna.  How in the world did she not know that my daughter died?  How?  *sigh*

I have been missing Gracie a lot lately.  I love Jenna more than words can explain, but sometimes I look at her and my mind just wanders a little bit.  I wonder about all of the things that will never be with Gracie.  I look at pictures of the kids we know who are about the same age that Gracie would be, and I wonder.  There is one particular kiddo that hits me pretty hard each time I see her picture or encounter her.  Sucks.  Just sucks.  Some days I would really like to just turn off the wondering part of my brain. 

In closing, I feel like I need to include a little disclaimer just in case anyone reading here is in a sensitive place and having difficulty reading about certain topics.  I have worked hard since announcing pregnancy with Jenna to more or less keep Jenna in Jenna's blog and out of Gracie's blog.  Now that she is here and she is part of everything that we do, it's hard to keep her completely out of this space.  It's hard to draw a line and post Gracie only in this blog and Jenna only in Jenna's blog.  The line blurs a lot now.  So, here is the disclaimer.  There will be periodic mention of rainbow baby/living child(ren)/TTC in the future/pregnancy/Jenna here on Gracie's blog. 

Wishing you all a good week...and a good Thanksgiving if I don't get back here before then. 


Tina said...

I totally get what you're saying here. It is amazing to me that people seem to have forgotten/not known about something that impacted my life so greatly. But I guess the truth is that their lives kept moving forward while ours got stuck in that moment when we had to say good bye to our little ones. I just hope that through all of this I have more of an awareness of what others are dealing with and that I don't seem insensitive to them when they are hurting and healing.

I also get what you're saying about blurry lines. I never really wanted my blog to be about my other children, but since having Gigi I have realized that she is so much a part of this journey. Even more than my two older children. It is okay, this is your space to write what you need to. I personally enjoy hearing about sweet Jenna!

Wishing for some peaceful days for you soon. xx

crystal theresa said...

Gracie's wall is lovely. Sorry you couldn't go to the cemetery to bring the balloons. I'm sure she she still loved seeing the ones you released for her.

I'm sending prayers up for Eleanor, MIL, and BIL.

Sorry about that run-in. Sounds painfully awkward. Sometimes news doesn't spread as far as one would think.

I can understand not being able to keep Jenna and Gracie in separate spaces. If/when I am blessed with another pregnancy, I'm not sure I can write in two different places.

Happy Thanksgiving back at ya, dear.

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Love the Grey's Anatomy quote - I'm a big fan of the show (at least I was... maybe I'm slowly losing interest in it). :)

Thinking and praying for Eleanor and your family. Sometimes life just keeps giving us so much!

And it sounds like you handled the awkwardness at Target with grace and ease - as much as is possible in that kind of situation! And as someone else commented - I'm often struck by how my life forever changed on 9/25/09 and while friends and family were and continued to be effected - I know their lives moved on so differently than mine. Why can't it all be about me??? :)

And as you already saw on Acacia's blog and Dot's blog, I already don't always know where to post what. I did want a separate blog for Dot though because that felt right for me. Who knows - maybe after my rainbow is here, maybe I'll "shut down" both blogs and start a third one... the possibilities are endless. You post where you need to post, and the rest of us will figure out what we need in terms of what we can read about or not. :)

so much love to you and yours.

And PS - thank you for your comment on Dot's blog about your decision making process with homebirth vs. hospital birth. Right now I'm just taking some time and space to breathe, and not worry too much about it... for a few days at least. :)

Holly said...

You think she would've known. I mean, how could she not unless she was in her own little bubble or something.

It would def be hard to keep Jenna out of Gracie's blog. They're sisters and times are gonna happen when you mention them together.