#44 - WELCOME, 2010!

Although my husband now suffers from Farmtown addiction, getting him to set up a Facebook account took a lot of nagging on my part.  Shortly after he created his FB account he did one of those ’25 things about me’ notes.  This is one of the things he wrote about himself – “2008 was one of the most emotionally charged years of my life.  2009 will probably rival it with the birth of our first child.”  I smiled from ear to ear when I read that, and it still warms my heart to know that our wedding and our unborn baby had that much emotional impact on him.  Little did either of us know what lay in store for our family and how far off course our lives would veer during 2009. 

While the first half of 2009 was benign enough, the second half of the year was less than spectacular.  There are many hypothetical events that could have made things even worse, but overall, the happenings of 2009 pushed me closer to my breaking point than I ever want to be again.  It is safe to say that 2009 has been the worst of my 32 years, but I have survived it - a little worse for the wear - and I hope with every fiber of my being that the deaths of people and pets, identity theft, major computer crashes and staffing challenges (and the horrible timing of all of the above) will not carry through into 2010. 

I am happy to welcome the new year, and I am hopeful that it will be gentle.  I am hopeful that it will bring us a living child to love and nurture.  I am hopeful that our family does not suffer loss of any kind.  I am hopeful that it will be a joyous and peaceful year in every possible way, not only for my family, but for all baby loss families. 

I don’t want this post to be all about how shitty 2009 was (even though it really was), so I want to do my weekly list here and list some of the good things that happened in 2009.

• We were blessed to have 8 months with Gracie, albeit while she was in my belly, but 8 months none-the-less.  I would not trade those 8 months for anything except a live Gracie.
• Several good friends and family members welcomed new babies into their families, including one rainbow baby.  Several other friends have recently announced new pregnancies.  As bitter sweet as all of this has been for us, I am truly happy for all of these families; I am so glad that the families with new babies do not know the pain that we now know and I pray that the families who are waiting to welcome their new bundles of joy do not meet the same fate.
• My sister got her long-awaited assignment with the Peace Corps.  She left in August and is underway in her permanent assignment in Namibia, Africa.  Her departure was another one of those bittersweet moments for me, but there is internet access in Namibia, so all is not lost!!
• I found my way into the land of baby loss blogs, mostly written by baby loss mamas.  I have formed what I hope are lasting friendships with several ladies that I otherwise would probably never crossed paths with.
• I had the opportunity to get together for a fantastic reunion-type dinner with most of my cousins over the summer, some of whom I have not seen for several years.  It was fabulous, and unfortunately it probably happen again for several more years!!
• Slow progress continues to be made toward fixing our house.  It is a multi-year project, but we’re getting there.  I love that my floors are almost level again!
•  I have become a new me - just not the 'new me' that I was anticipating a year ago.  It has given me a whole new perspective on everything in life.  Everything.  I frequently long for the 'old normal', but continue settle into the 'new normal'.  I am able to move from one day to the next by holding on to the hope that Jeff and I will be able to perpetuate some good, in any dose, from the worst thing that has ever happened to us. 
  

I wish all of you the very best that 2010 has to offer - let's hope that it only gets better from here!!!

 

#43 - WE MADE IT

So Christmas is over, and while it wasn't without some anticipated ups and downs, we made it through in one piece.  I got to talk to my sister quite a bit over the last few days, including a video call on Thursday.  Later on Thursday, we hosted 17 family members for Christmas Eve dinner, which ultimately served as a pretty good distraction.  Between dinner and presents we did a balloon release.  It was a cold, breezy night, yet all of the balloons somehow grouped together and stayed that way until we could not see them anymore.   We managed to get a pretty good picture right after they were all released.  Thursday really was a decent day.  Jeff was somewhat overtaken by emotion during the balloon release, but having other things to focus on really helped. 

Friday was a different day.  We made a stop at the annual Christmas gathering for my FIL's family.  It's a big family - there were about 30 people there while we were there.  I was okay going in, but that was short lived.  We weren't in the door 10 minutes and I had to duck back out to compose myself.  Several of Jeff's cousins were there with their kids - one has a 3 year old little girl who is more or less how I imagined Gracie would have looked and acted at that age, and one has a son born May 28th.  Apparently seeing them together was enough to just knock me over the edge a bit, and it really made me feel what we were missing. 

From that gathering we continued to the cemetery, and then to my father's.  We were greeted by a little stuffed dog that was left there to watch over Gracie by my husband's friend.  We were somewhat disappointed that the solar lights on her trees were not working, but it wasn't a very good day for storing solar energy.  Dinner was pretty uneventful, but I had trouble shaking the sad, empty feeling for the rest of the evening. 

I think it is safe to say that Gracie was alive in most of us over the last few days.  She was present in conversation several times, and she was remembered in a few gifts.  Jeff's parents gave us a shelf with a quilt bar so we can safely display some of Gracie's mementos, including the baby quilt that my sister made.  She got a few more tree ornaments to compliment the ones already on the tree, and my father and step-mom gave us a beautiful figurine.  Perhaps the most touching gift of all was the very unexpected gift from a fellow baby loss mama friend; she and her husband had a star named for Gracie. 

There were definitely some rough moments, but overall, our first Christmas without Gracie was not quite as traumatic as I had anticipated, and the time away from work has given me a chance to generally decompress a bit.  I am looking forwardto a new year and the new opportunities that it will hopefully bring.  I hold tight to the hope that we will bring home a living child in 2010, and that many of my hopeful loss-mama friends will be blessed with the same. 

On a different note, if you are reading this today (12/27), please take an extra moment to remember angel baby Sophie on her 3rd angelversary.  Her mom, Debbie, is a real life friend of mine.

CHRISTMAS WISHES

The next few days will be quite difficult for so many of us, myself included.  I wanted to leave a message for everyone and wish you a peaceful, easy and merry Christmas full of family, friends and love.  Be gentle to yourselves, and please keep the rest of our community in your thoughts and prayers, as well as the families of critically ill children. 

ONLY GOD....

...could have a sense of humor this sick...  One year ago today, very early in the morning we found out that Gracie was going to be part of our lives.  When I woke up this morning, I found out that our 18 year old neighbor gave birth a few hours before to a healthy baby boy.  Please don't get me wrong... I would never wish this on anyone.  Ever.  But the irony - every stinking bit of it - is simply enough to kill me some days.  

Hoping that everyone else in this community is having as easy and peaceful of a Christmas season as can be had...

#40 - BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...

I am officially ready to fast forward.  I don't know how far - I will know the right place to stop when I find it - probably well into January, maybe February.  I used to look forward to the Christmas season with such eager anticipation, now I find that it brings heaviness to my heart.  I observed a sad anniversary on Thursday - two years since a friend died unexpectedly.  Today I observe another anniversary - 24 years since my grandmother, after whom Gracie is named, was killed.  The anniversary of another friend's death comes immediately after Christmas.  In two days we will observe the first of many 'anniversaries' of a slightly different nature.  Monday, December 22nd, 2008 we discovered that we would be celebrating Christmas 2009 as a family of three.  That is even how we announced it to several of our friends (via traditional Christmas text, or course).  What a difference a year makes...  Instead of buying our first born child presents and watching as she tries to figure out the lights on the tree and all of the other decorations,  we are collecting items to donate to charity in her memory and picking out memorial ornaments.  Instead of ordering the photo Christmas cards that I was sooo looking forward to, I have figured out a way to include angel wings in our signature for the regular boxed cards.  Instead of dressing her in cute Christmas outfits, I occasionally stop at her dresser and look at the 0-3 month clothing still folded and neatly put away - just waiting for her arrival.  Instead of shopping for her unique stocking, I had to make her unique stocking because there just isn't a great selection of dead baby stockings out there.  Instead of reading Gracie traditional Christmas stories, I am reading poems entitled 'My First Christmas in Heaven' and 'I'm an Angel Now, Mommy.'

I have cried more in the last 3 days than I have in the last month.  I think that there are definitely some hormones involved, but the rest of it is just aching heart, sadness and a little bit of anger.  It's sadness in knowing that my life is now about accepting and embracing (or at least giving accepting and embracing some thought) the new normal, and accepting that what I have known to be normal for 32 years is long gone.  It's sadness in knowing that days like December 22nd, April 7th, July 31st, August 1st, August 5th, and August 27th will always be on the list of days that I would prefer to avoid all together.  It's sadness in knowing that every holiday celebration for the rest of my life will be incomplete, regardless of who we celebrate with.  It's sadness in knowing that we will never be able to gather all of my children around the Christmas tree.  It's sadness in knowing that Jeff and I will always have aching hearts, and that we will always feel like our earthly family is incomplete.

I hope, with everything I have, that we will be blessed with a rainbow baby by the end of 2010.  That means that my body must host another pregnancy - very soon - which scares me to death.  I loved feeling Gracie move around inside my belly and interacting with her that way, and I am so looking forward to having that experience again.  But beyond that, i am just fearful.  I am fearful of every decision we will have to make.  I am fearful of every moment that I might realize the baby has been still for an hour or more.  My brain keeps processing all of the things that I want to do differently during the next pregnancy, so we can have more to remember the baby...as if it's already a certainty that the next baby won't come home either. 

I hope with every bit of spirit I can find that the next few days will be peaceful and easy, even though I am already feeling a bit of angst about Christmas Eve dinner for reasons other than Gracie.  I hope that Jeff and I are able to find some common emotional ground and enjoy a bit of the holiday the way a newlywed couple should.  I hope that I am able to take a break from work and the rest of life and find a little bit of inner peace, even if it's just for 15 or 20 minutes...

#39 - ANOTHER GIFT FOR GRACIE

A friend of mine who is really into scrimshaw art just surprised me with a picture of something that he plans to drop off for us next week.  He was really excited about completing this project and couldn't wait to share it with us.  It is made from a piece of salvaged ivory, and his scrimshaw work is always done freehand.  I am also pretty excited about it, and wanted to show it off.  I can't wait to hang it on our tree next week!  (Thanks, Raheem!)

And the winner is....

Good morning ladies. I put the name of each participant in a bag and had DH pick a winner. Betty from Random Thoughts at 65 MPH is the winner of the stocking.  

Make sure to visit Mackenzie's Mommy at Missing Mackenzie for today's giveaway.   

Betty - please shoot me an email (there is an email link under my profile link on the right side of my blog) and provide the following information....

 - Color of the stocking - pink, blue or dark red
 - Name that you want embroidered on the cuff
 - Toe of the stocking pointed to the right or to the left? If you have no preference, it will be to the right.  
 - do you want wings?  if so, do you want the sheer nylon wings or the feathery wings?
 - mailing address so I can get the stocking to you.

25 DAYS OF GIVEAWAYS

NOTE: These giveaways are open to all baby lost mamas. If you didn't sign up to host a giveaway we still want you to participate and try to win some of these GREAT items. We want to spread happiness to everyone, not just those who are hosting a day!

Welcome to my Giveaway day - my day is officially Tuesday the 15th, so I am a little early. I am not feeling that well, and will probably go to bed early tonight, and I wanted to make sure that this was ready to go for Tuesday (plus...it's Tuesday on the other side of the globe, anyway!). A big thank you to Tina @ Living Without Sophia and Ellie for putting the giveaway together. It has been something to look forward to each day, and I am looking forward to participating again next year!

Everyone in my family has always had a special Christmas stocking – I cannot remember a day that any of us have had matching stockings. About a month ago I started looking for a stocking to buy for Gracie, and came up empty after much searching. I found a few that were okay, but nothing that really spoke to me, so I decided to make my own. It was a simple enough idea when I started, but nothing is ever simple!! I have finally finished my first prototype – it doesn’t look too bad for the first one, but there are definite improvements and corrections to be made!

If you are the winner of Tuesday's giveaway, you will get a custom stocking for your angel. If you are a mama to angel twins or triplets, I will make a stocking for each angel. You can pick the color - pink, light blue or dark red. Your angel’s name will be embroidered on the cuff in the same color as your stocking. (I will be getting a darker pink thread for the names on the pink stockings, since the first shade I used is a bit too light.) Your stocking can be plain like the first picture, have simple angel wings like the second picture or have fancy feather wings like the third picture.

To register, just leave a comment below.  If we have not already 'met' please tell me something about yourself.  I will leave this giveaway open until at least 6:00 a.m. (EST) Wednesday morning, but it may be later than that until I announce the winner. If I am not able to get online to announce the winner before I go to work Wednesday, it will likely be sometime around 7:00 p.m. Wednesday night until I can do so. (Winner will either be picked from a hat by DH or by random.org)

Thanks to all for stopping by!