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Monday, March 7, 2011

In Retrospect...

I am starting to wonder if we made the right decision in agreeing to be the local Ambassador Family for this year's March for Babies.  In the early days following Gracie's death, my husband and I agreed, that while we certainly needed to grieve, we ultimately needed to find a way (or multiple ways) for Gracie to live on.  We needed to be able to find the positives that could come from our loss. 

Being an Ambassador Family is certainly one of those positive spins.  It is allowing us to bring the spotlight to stillbirth; the fact that we are doing so in a forum that primarily focuses public attention on ill, but living, babies is just an added 'bonus'.  But it also intensifies the normal, every day thoughts and feelings. The March of Dimes created posters to be distributed locally...

While I don't necessarily care for the design/layout of the poster, we are working on distributing them all over.  We are going for high visibility.  Of course, I have one hanging in my office where all of my patients can see it.  I also see it...all day.  I see it every time I bring a patient back from the waiting room.  I see Gracie's picture every day at home, but this is different.  So very different.  It's almost like pulling the scab off a cut every day. 

I know that my husband shares in the philosophy that we need to find/do good in our loss, but I think this Ambassador Family experience has been even more challenging for him.  He just really seems to be stuck in a dark, rotten place these days.  He loves Jenna with every fiber of his being, but with those same fibers, he misses Gracie so much that I think sometimes it physically hurts him.  Of course, he also sees the poster every day; hopefully it will be a little better for him once the March for Babies is over this year.  Until then, I wonder, just a little bit, if we perhaps bit off more than we can emotionally chew for now. 

If you would like to make a donation toward our March of Dimes fund raising initiative, you can do so by clicking on the banner at the top of the page.  If you are not part of a team walking in the March for Babies and would like to help us with our fund raising, feel free to grab my button (top left) for your blog. 


aliciamarie911 said...

I applaud you for doing this. March of Dimes is a great organization! I'm sure it's incredibly hard for you and your husband, but try to remember that you're helping other people who will one day be in the same situation. Your greatly appreciated! :D Keep your chins up!

Maggie said...

We are walking again this year as well. I'm sorry your husband has been in such a dark place these days. I hope his days get a little brighter soon. I think being an Ambassador Family is a great thing for you guys and Gracie, but I'm sure it's just yet another trigger too that you might not have seen coming (hate those, they always seem to be the worst). XOXO

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Sigh... I don't know what to say. I can imagine feeling the same way as you and your husband if my rainbow baby and Acacia were used in some kind of public poster. Of course I want others to benefit from my experience, and I want to share my experience to benefit others, and yet - it's all so private and personal.

I was at the doctor's office today for an ultrasound and saw an ad in some parenting magazine for March of Dimes that stated how many babies are born too early, and they had a picture of a little boy born 6 weeks early. I teared up when I saw it. I knew that was somebody's baby, and I knew the family probably experienced some heart-wrenching moments with their little boy, and I thought about all the families that don't get to bring home their baby. Such a simple ad, but as a BLM, I knew there was so much depth to it.

Thank you for sharing Gracie's life with so many people.

Love to you.

Betsy Lauren said...

My twin son's Easton and Parker are the Ambassador babies for the March of Dimes in Monroe Louisiana this year. I lost them in November due to twin to twin transfusion. Our lives have been turned up side down and we are devastated beyond words. You are such an inspiration. Thanks, Betsy

Cathy said...

I'm not sure how I arrived at your blog, but reading Gracie's story was pretty similar to my own. Your comment about how shocked you were that it had been 6 months already matches my own shock that it will be 19 years this June 13th. I hate to tell you this, but not much changes over the years. I'm going to be that old lady holding a doll in the nursing home( looking forward to it).
I do want to commend the March of Dimes for recognizing stillbirth as an outcome for babies. It's not just prematurity and neonatal death that takes's also the unseen forces within the womb.
I wish I could see more of Gracie's face in your pictures. I know you are concerned about T18 and T21. I am a neonatal NP and have seen lots of both. I think if you have a whole body photo, you could pretty easily get someone with experience to lend an opinion on a possible chromosomal disorder since you don't have tissue or blood. Both syndromes look very different from one another. Do you have any hair or perhaps dried blood from a blanket or hat she was in? You may be able to test that if you really need to know.
Congratulations on being the Ambassador for March of Dimes. Make up born still moms proud.