I am starting to wonder if we made the right decision in agreeing to be the local Ambassador Family for this year's March for Babies. In the early days following Gracie's death, my husband and I agreed, that while we certainly needed to grieve, we ultimately needed to find a way (or multiple ways) for Gracie to live on. We needed to be able to find the positives that could come from our loss.
Being an Ambassador Family is certainly one of those positive spins. It is allowing us to bring the spotlight to stillbirth; the fact that we are doing so in a forum that primarily focuses public attention on ill, but living, babies is just an added 'bonus'. But it also intensifies the normal, every day thoughts and feelings. The March of Dimes created posters to be distributed locally...
While I don't necessarily care for the design/layout of the poster, we are working on distributing them all over. We are going for high visibility. Of course, I have one hanging in my office where all of my patients can see it. I also see it...all day. I see it every time I bring a patient back from the waiting room. I see Gracie's picture every day at home, but this is different. So very different. It's almost like pulling the scab off a cut every day.
I know that my husband shares in the philosophy that we need to find/do good in our loss, but I think this Ambassador Family experience has been even more challenging for him. He just really seems to be stuck in a dark, rotten place these days. He loves Jenna with every fiber of his being, but with those same fibers, he misses Gracie so much that I think sometimes it physically hurts him. Of course, he also sees the poster every day; hopefully it will be a little better for him once the March for Babies is over this year. Until then, I wonder, just a little bit, if we perhaps bit off more than we can emotionally chew for now.
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