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Sunday, May 30, 2010

It All Seems to Come in Waves

I cried in the shower today.  Outside of the first month after losing Gracie, I honestly have not cried nearly as much as I thought that I would over the course of the first year.  But when I cry, I cry.  I don't think there was any one specific reason today; I think it was just a culmination of everything suddenly all coming together. 

Today was my MIL's annual Memorial weekend picnic.  More beautiful weather could not have been asked for.  There was a birthday cake for me...and they sang Happy Birthday twice, since the second group of singers apparently didn't hear the first group singing.  Aside from this, I didn't have that spectacular of a time...perhaps partially because I was still working on regrouping myself after the breakdown in the shower.  I watched my husband in the pool rough housing with the nephews that are in high school, and playing so well with the nephew and niece that are 5 and 7 years old.  I couldn't help but think that Gracie should have been in the pool with him.  Then I started thinking about how it is just about the right time for him to be starting 'Daddy and Me' swimming lessons (only because I work all damn day, every damn day...which makes Mommy and Me out of the question for a while), and I just wanted to bore a hole in the side of the pool.  Luckily, we only stayed at the picnic for about 3 1/2 hours, since Jeff had to head into work late this afternoon...but the damage was done...Gracie had missed her first Memorial Day weekend picnic.  I am now also officially another year older.  Just one more thing that Gracie is not here for. 

It has been 10 months since Gracie died and then was born into the world (well, close enough - tomorrow will be 10 months since she died).  Almost a year.  I should be starting to gear up for our first born's 1st birthday party.  Instead, I am starting to think about what we will do for Gracie's first angelversary.  Angelversary.  That should just not be a word.  It just shouldn't. 

Part of me wants to plan an 'event'.  I want people to remember Gracie.  I want them to remember what happened to her.  I want them to remember what happened to us.  I just want them to remember.  I want them to understand what it has done to us.  I want them to understand that it hasn't just gotten better and hasn't just gone away.  As much as I know it will never happen, I just want people to understand.  All of that said, I am pretty sure that an 'event' would completely break Jeff, so it's not really an idea that I am entertaining beyond this point.  Instead, we will do something much smaller and much more personal...something that is still likely to knock my hubby on his ass.  We will likely gather our immediate family and have dinner and a birthday cake for Gracie.  There will be some balloons and some bubbles...and hopefully some spontaneous birds and butterflies.  It will suck.  It will suck because she will not be here.  It will suck because it will not be the happy day that it is supposed to be.  It sucks that she will never be here for her special day.  Ever.  The whole thing just sucks. 

There are 4 other 'friends and family' babies that were born less than 4 months before Gracie.  One of them is a rainbow baby that belongs to real life friends.  Today is his 1st birthday and his 1st birthday party.  (We couldn't make the party because of the picnic and Jeff's work schedule)  In addition to the rainbow baby who has his first birthday today, there are other babies celebrating.  Two other babies have first birthdays this weekend and another turned one about a month ago.  Two of these four babies took their first steps withint he last week and this was posted on FB this week....something else that Gracie will never do.  She should be right there with this group of four other babies, and she is not.  She will never be part of that group.  Ever. 

...Sigh...I want to feel better than this.  I want the ups and downs to stop.  I want the not-so-good days to stop and the good days to prevail.  I want my Graciebelle...sigh...

On a lighter note, with Dawn's help, I was able to find my pins online for only $4 each.  I was able to order enough to donate about a two year supply for our hospital's bereavement boxes.  Thanks for your help, Dawn! 


Dawn Brown said...

Thanks for posting all of this. I've been struggling with feelings these last few weeks especially, and after reading your blog I feel a little peace just knowing someone out there is feeling the same things. I think with summer bustling, our minds can't help but to turn to what should have been. We should have our little ones with us, experiencing their first year of life and making memories.

I'm so glad to have helped you find the pin. So many lost families will find comfort from what you're doing, I am grateful to contribute what I could.

Maggie said...

Like you said in mine, this post is taken right from my brain too. We should all have been taking our babies to their first memorial day picnics. They should be in the pools with their daddy, and taking their first steps. We should not have to be thinking of angelversaries or even know what those are. I hate that we are all so afraid of people forgetting. Thinking of you & Gracie, I really wish she was here with you doing all of those fun things. XO

Melissa said...

I totally agree, this totally does suck! Thinking of you and I am sure whatever you decide to do to mark her angelversary will be perfect (I wish I never heard that word either).


Supposed to be... "Mama G"... said...

I don't think the melt downs, ever really stop. I think they just become less intense and farther apart. I can't think of any aspect of this baby loss life that is right. Don't you just want to scream sometimes? Scream "This is NOT how my life is supposed to be!... It is awful...and it sucks!" but alas, we find ourselves having those types of tantrums privately... thinking of you and Gracie!

Lori said...

Right there with you...especially in feeling that I'd like to do something grand to honor Matthew, yet just don't see it happening--for various reasons....

Lifting you up!

Holly said...

Glad you were able to find the pins!

While they don't happen as often, I still have times where it hits me out of nowhere. It sucks that we have to endure this.

I'm sure that whatever you plan for your little girl will be a wonderful celebration of her life.