Day 7 - A Photo That Makes Me Happy

This picture was obviously taken on our wedding day.  With the exception of one other day, this was the happiest day of my life.  Looking at it makes me feel almost as happy as I was that day, at least momentarily. 

Day 6 -- 20 Things That Calm Me

1. My husband (as long as he is not the aggravating factor!!)
2. Music - listening to it or making it
3. Walking
4. My dogs and cats (as long as they aren't the aggravating factors!!)
5. A hot shower
6. Sitting in front of a warm fire
7. A nap
8. Crossing things off of my list of things to do
9. Successfully finishing a project
10. Peace and quiet
11. A nice, big, frozen fruity adult drink (and the one that comes after it...and the ones that come after that...)
12. Fluffy white death - I try to avoid processed sugar and white flour as much as possible, but I won't       lie...sometimes anything can be fixed with a homemade cinnamon bun, homemade apple dumplings or pie, jellybeans or a box of Dots. 
13. A nice long drive (as long as I don't encounter drivers who should have never passed their driver's test)
14. Sitting in a quiet room illuminated only by the Christmas tree lights
15. An appointment with my massage therapist
16. Someone else stepping up to take things off of my plate
17. A clean house (but only after it's clean...definitely not during the cleaning process)
18. Sitting with the office lights off and watching the aquarium before I leave for the day (but only when it's clean)
19. Hypnobabies.  Well, Hypnobabies practice.  :-)
20. Last...but certainly not least...cuddling with Jenna

I don't know about the rest of you that are doing this, but figuring out 20 things was kind of hard!!

Day 5 - Favorite Quote

Day 5 - Your favorite quote

Pre-Gracie, my favorite quote came from a good friend of mine, who happens to be the husband of one of my midwives.  "No physical therapist will ever go to heaven."  It's not a famous quote, but it will always stick with me.  Unfortunately, all physical therapists of the world are screwed, because the friend who constantly reminded me of this died unexpectedly almost 3 years ago, so he's got a head start on getting all of us banned from passing through the pearly gates.

Since Gracie's death, there is one quote that sticks with me and always seems to be in the front of my mind.  (Its long, so it obviously doesn't stick there verbatim, but you get the point.) "It doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar.  It follows us home, it changes our lives.  Trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point.  All the pain and the fear and the crap.  Maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward.  It's what pushes us.  Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up."   It's from Grey's Anatomy and just feels so fitting at this point in my life.

October Posts

So we all know that this month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  As I perused several blogs this morning, I noticed that quite a few of you are going to be doing daily posts this month. 

Debbie is going to be writing about a different stillbirth resource every day. 

Virginia is going to be writing daily about stillbirth facts and issues. 

Angie is doing an 'all about me' theme and has invited the rest of us to join her.  She has posted a list that has the topic for each day, just to make it that much easier for the slacker in each of us!  :-)  Since Debbie and Virginia have resources and facts covered, and the wheel can only be reinvented so many ways, I figured that I might jump on Angie's wagon.  Perhaps it will get me back into blogging a little more regularly...

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future 


I am going to do days 1-4 today....that should catch me up.  :-)

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
I listen to all kinds of music.  Much of what I listen to on a daily basis just goes in one ear and out the other unless I really like it or it has meaning.  That was the case with Remember When it Rained by Josh Groban.  I have no idea how many times I listened to this song before Gracie died, but it never struck me until after she died.  Had the weather been different on the day she died, it probably would still mean nothing, but it rained most of that day....  Now I think of her every time I hear it, and I have added it to the playlist here on her blog.

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
 I can't really say that any specific movie helped me get through the weeks and months after Gracie's death.  There are certain movies that, for whatever reason, are comforting to me - probably because I can associate them with happy memories or happy periods of time.  I don't necessarily sit down to watch them, but I will watch them if there is nothing else on, and I have watched quite a few of them over the last 13 months.  Fools Rush In, Top Gun, Save the Last Dance, City of Angels...

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
I don't have a lot of time to watch t.v. anymore.  There are a select few shows that I make time to watch or DVR...The Closer, Grey's Anatomy, Rescue Me, Damages...the rest is all reruns just to pass or fill voids of time.  As a whole, I can't really say that any of them specifically helped me or move me with regard to Gracie's death, but there have been several episodes of Grey's Anatomy that deal with ill or dead children (one was a late term stillbirth) that have hit home a little harder than they would have before Gracie died.

Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Although I should, I don't make time to do much book reading.  I don't have a favorite book, nor do I have a preferred author.  Since Gracie's death I have read just a few books.... Cesar's Way; Food, Inc.; and a breastfeeding book.  I have thought about reading a book or two about infant and/or pregnancy loss, but I just haven't done it. 

Remembrance, Awareness and Sharing

I have become such a BLM slacker.  I know that I have plenty of legitimate reasons, but I feel so shitty for disappearing from our community for weeks at a time.  I'll be honest...I don't miss the ever-present cloud of sadness that lingers here, but I miss everything else and everyone when I am gone.  I miss the constant flow of support and love that travels in every direction imaginable.  For now, I am back...hoping to find a way to better manage my time...a way that will allow me more blogging time than I have had in recent weeks and months.  I haven't been able to do much in the way of blog reading over the last month, so if any of you have any any big happenings or announcements, can you drop me a comment at the bottom to bring me briefly up to speed?  Thanks!  :-P

I know that most people who read here are aware of the Faces of Loss site.  If, somehow, you are not familiar with it, I urge you to check it out!   Gracie's story was posted on August 2nd, and since then so many more personal accounts have been posted.  I am constantly amazed by the vast number of men and women in our community...and at the same time I am amazed by the ways that members of this community find to offer support to others and bring awareness to our experiences.

Again this year, on September 25th, our hospital hosted a Share Walk for Remembrance and Hope as part of their infant and pregnancy loss program and as part of Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month.  Jeff, Jenna and I attended, along with our parents.  The walk was followed by a balloon release.  Although it is a simple observance, it is nice to be able to get together with others who understand exactly what it is that we are remembering.  Here are a few pictures from the day...

 

I received an email last week from the regional March of Dimes community director regarding the local 2011 March for Babies.  Although we did not personally speak with her at length at last year's walk, she heard a substantial amount of our story through some other people who were there.  She was apparently so touched by our story that she has extended an invitation for us to be an Ambassador/Mission family for the 2011 March for Babies.  Basically, they want us to be visible and they want to make our story visible.  Jeff is not sure how he will handle the media interview aspect of things, but we decided to give it a whirl.  Our local walk is schedule for April 30th, so Gracie will be a tiny angel celebrity during the early months of 2011...at least within the reach of our local newspaper.  :-)    I was surprised that we were approached to do this, as stillbirth generally doesn't fit the profile of the MOD's Ambassador families.  That said, I am kind of glad to have the opportunity to bring a little more local attention to stillbirth.  I know that there are a few local people who follow Gracie's blog.  I urge you all to consider marking April 30th on your calendar.  I urge you to consider participating in the local March for Babies....as part of Team Graciebelle, as part of another family's team to, or as your own team to honor and remember your angel.  I urge everyone else to consider participating in their local March for Babies in the spring. 

Another Angel

I have been away from this blog for a month, simply because of time constraints, and now I have two posts for the same day.  I have been walking around for about 2 1/2 weeks with a post brewing in my head, but for the last 10 days that post has been completely erased and I have been walking around with new words in my head.

For the last 13 months, Jeff and I have said to many people that we sincerely hope that no one that we know will ever experience the kind of loss that we have experienced, and that no one we know will ever truly be able to understand this kind of pain.  We can no longer say that. 

We no longer subscribe to the local newspaper, because of issues with the delivery person, so we usually read most of the paper online.  At the end of his shift August 31st into September 1st, Jeff picked up a paper to get one of the sale fliers that was inside.  He read the paper when he got home from work, and then came to bed and told me that someone I had worked with in college had lost a baby.  I was half asleep, so I wasn't really sure what he was talking about at first.

There was an obituary in the paper for an infant.  I browse through the obituaries online everyday, but the way this particular obituary was written probably would not have grabbed my attention, and I probably would have never opened it to read then entire thing online.  The baby was the son of a girl that I life guarded with for 4 years during high school and college.  She now lives about 3 hours away from here, and I have not seen her in 10 years or more.  We were never really close, but we were certainly friendly enough for the news to break my heart and have quite an impact on me. 

It is my understanding (based on conversation that Jeff had with the baby's grandfather) that baby Alex was born at full term after an uncomplicated pregnancy, but quickly developed substantial breathing issues.  He had a diapragmatic hernia, and was whisked away to the NICU immediately.  He underwent several surgeries and was actually doing a bit better until taking a sudden turn for the worse.  Ultimately, he spent 16 days in the NICU before becoming an angel and joining all of our little ones. 

I have not been able to get baby Alex and his family out of my head for the last week and a half.  I keep thinking about how shitty it is, and how their lives will never be the same.  It has taken me back to the first days of our journey with Gracie, and it has given me a whole new perspective of how Gracie's death impacted our friend Debbie and her husband...how easily it probably kicked them back into the early days of losing their daughter Sophie. 

Please keep baby Alex in your prayers as he settles in with all of our little ones.  Please keep his parents, brother and family in your prayers as they adjust to life within the unexpected new normal that we all now know so well as everyday life. 

New Sites, Thank Yous, Thoughts and Reflection

If you haven't already checked them out (I am a little behind the 8 ball...), I urge you to check out two new sites launched by Malroy from Every Life Has a Story.  Her new sites are Keeping Their Memory Alive and Butterfly Footprints.   Keeping Their Memory Alive is dedicated to hosting angel videos created by parents and family members; Butterfly Footprints is dedicated to making beautiful butterfly prints from the footprints of angels.  I would like to thank Mal for the honor of having Gracie included as part of the Butterfly Footprints site, and also thank her for creating such beautiful prints with Gracie's footprints.

I would also like to thank Angela at RockaBYEbaby for doing such fantastic photos of Gracie's name. 

I want to send out warmest thoughts to the family of my friend, Debbie, as loss strikes so very close to home again. 

To close out this post, I will spend just one moment reflecting on this particular day and the impact that it has had on so many people over the last 9 years.  I can't speak for every part of the country, but today's weather in PA is almost identical to the weather on that horrible day...simply a perfect fall day.  Just as our parents (well, maybe not all of our parents, depending on how old all of us are...) remember exactly where they were and what they were doing when JFK was shot and his death was confirmed, few of us will ever forget where we were or what we were doing on that otherwise beautiful morning.  Those of us who watched the live television broadcasts as the second plane struck the second tower...and those of us who watched the live television broadcasts as each of the towers collapsed will forever have those images burned into our minds (of course the marvels of modern media make it hard to forget anything these days).  Nine years ago, it was something that most of us just watched in horror and awe.  Now, most of us in this community can think about it with a different spin....now that we have all lost a child.  We certainly have no idea what it is like to lose an adult child, but we can certainly better understand the loss of so many of the surviving parents.  Just as my heart goes out to Debbie's family, it continues to go out to the families of each and every 9.11.01 victim. 

Question #7

Question #7 will be the final question, unless anyone out there has more.  :-)   This question came via email with the other anonymous question, so I have no idea who it is from.  The question was "We know you in terms of being Gracie's mom, but who else are you?  Tell us some fun and random facts about yourself."  

Okay...some fun and random facts....  For those who have been reading here for a while, this may be somewhat of a repeat, as I did a weekly list similar to this long ago.  But here is a new list pulled off the top of my head...

• I am a wife to my soul mate, Jeff.  We have been married for 2 years, but together for 16.  
• I am mama to a bunch of 'fur' babies...we have 5 cats and 2 dogs at home; my office houses 2 cockatiels and a 180 gallon salt water aquarium.  
• I am a physical therapist - I do special needs pediatrics in a school based / Early Intervention based setting, and I also do outpatient orthopedics.  I am my own boss, with 2 other employees; some days it was the best thing I ever did, some days not so much.
• I have been a firefighter for 15  years.  (It's what I do in my 'spare' time.)  In that time I have worked my way up to the rank of Deputy Chief within my department.  
• I also do a lot in the realm of technical rescue.  I am part of PA's regional Urban Search and Rescue team, filling HazMat Specialist, Rescue Specialist and Technical Search Specialist slots.  In 2007 I received the state's Rescue Technician of the Year award.  
•  I hate drama, and I very quickly grow intolerant of stupid, childish, petty B.S.
• I hate cleaning the bathroom and washing dishes.  :-)   I manage to soak myself every time I do dishes, and I cannot wait until we remodel the kitchen in a few years so I can buy a dishwasher!!!  
• I enjoy photography, softball, cooking/baking and sewing, although I rarely have time for any of them.  
• I enjoy hiking, but don't do nearly enough of it.  I would like to try my hand at kayaking, but we just keep running out of time.  
• I am a life long New York Yankee fan (please don't hold it against me), but really couldn't care less about most other sports. 
• I love to travel.  I am hoping to go to Namibia, Africa in the spring to see my sister, who is there until December 2011 with the Peace Corps.