Prayer Request

Many of us here in this community believe strongly in the power of prayer.  In the last couple of months I have ventured into the world of cloth diapering blogs, and lots of lots of prayer is needed for one of the moms there. 

Her 3 y/o was recently diagnosed with stage IV cancer.  More about their story can be found here and here.  We all know how much life on this side sucks.  Please pray that there will be effective treatments available for little Emily and that her family does not come to know the pain that we know all too well. 

I'm Getting a Package This Week...

...with a new Midnight Orange sculpture!!! I am so excited to get it!!!  I cannot wait!!!  This was my Christmas present to myself this year.  I just got email notification that it is on its way, and a link to a few pics.

Christmas 2010

It's the most wonderful time of the year
With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you "Be of good cheer"
It's the most wonderful time of the year
It's the hap-happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call
It's the hap- happiest season of all 

Yep.  It absolutely used to be.  And I think that, one day, it will be again.  Thankfully, it is not something that I dread, but right now, it's definitely something that falls flat.  It's just something that falls a little short of wonderful.  It's one thing to accept that, as you become an adult, the 'awe' of the season becomes a little less magical; it's another to accept that any 'awe' that is left once you become an adult will never be the same because your first born will never physically be there as part of your holiday. 

I am growing to accept (but I am not quite there yet!) that most people think they are saying something good when they directly or indirectly reference Gracie.  I make a concerted effort to accept this only because I know that I would still be one of those clueless people unless Gracie had not died.  Had I not been given these shoes to walk in, I would totally not know the right and wrong things to say.

The gist of all of this year's well-intended statements: 'Oh, your Christmas will be so much better this year since you have that beautiful baby.' 

How to you respond to people to make that kind of statement?  For quite a while I have been in a position of not wanting to make people feel bad about not saying the right thing unless, of course, their statement appears to be intentionally malicious.  So you just nod and smile and move on.  You just let it roll of as much as you can.  But deep down inside you know that even in 50 years, although the holidays (all of them, not just Christmas) are better than they were in late 2009 and early 2010, they will never be the way they should be.  They will never be quite right.  Why?  Because nothing in life is the same after your child dies.

Death has a funny way of changing everything for the living.  Certainly, BLMs are not the only people to carry loss in their hearts during holidays and special occasions.  So many people out there carry loss with them; the losses of spouses, fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, friends.  Others carry the loss of their children with them; these are the people to whom our group can most closely relate.  The difference between our group and the other parents is that most of them have celebrated holidays with their children; they were able to make holiday memories that they can hold onto and cherish until they are with those children again.  Some people make the argument that having a child, making memories and then losing the child is worse than losing the child before any memories can be made.  I suppose the argument can be made for each perspective, but sadly, neither is right and neither is wrong.  My point is this...in the big picture of the world, so many people quietly muddle through holidays with loss nagging at them.  Quietly because the world expects the sharp and profound pain of the loss to just go away after a period of time.

The pain of losing Gracie will never go away, especially since I never had the chance to make any memories with her.  That leaves two options: bitterness that drags down everyone else around me and takes away from the memories that I can create with my living children OR finding a way to channel that pain into something that I can look forward to.  I have chosen to channel that energy into a few things that I (hopefully, we, as a family) can look forward to.

Although I really didn't feel like doing so last year, we did send out Christmas cards.  We included Gracie by creating a label to put inside in lieu of signing the cards; in the background of the label was a set of angel wings.  This year, we did a photo card.  We included Gracie's footprint butterfly that Malory made.  Including Gracie in our Christmas card is something that we will do each year.  Forever. 

Last year's label

This year's card

Last year we decided that we would buy Gracie one or two tree ornaments each year.  Last year's ornaments can be seen here.  We got a few more this year.  (If we keep this pace up, it's going to be hard to find new ornaments in a few years!)

I bought these for each of the girls this year. 

From the Midnight Orange

My dad painted a ceramic ornament for each of the girls this year.

From one of Jeff's good friends

Another tradition that we have started on Christmas Eve, and will likely continue for years to come, is a balloon release.  I used to be diabolically opposed to balloon releases for environmental reasons.  But now, quite selfishly, I look forward to the releases that we do.  My hope is to find a different way to incorporate Gracie and her angel friends onto the balloons each time we do the release.  This year we put angels on the balloons.  

Last year we suggested to our family and close friends that, if they felt compelled to do so, they purchase something that we could donate to Doing Good in Her Name.  After Christmas, we sent this stuff to Kristin and her husband to donate to the NICU/PICU at Connecticut Children's Medical Center.  We wanted to do the same thing this year, but after talking, we realized that we wanted to keep our donation a little closer to home.  So, again we invited family and friends to participate with us in gathering donations for the patients and families of the NICU and PICU at Geisinger Medical Center.  Last week we delivered a large box and two large bags full of donated items!!  Although we don't expect that family and friends will continue to do this with us, I anticipate that this is something that we will do each year. 

Last year Jeff got me a crystal angel bell from Gracie.  I dropped it and broke it Christmas night.  We fixed it and I broke it again.  And then one more time.  I am sure that I don't have to say how crushed I was.  Eventually, we decided to get rid of it, as it just wasn't salvageable.  He replaced it this year and put it up on Gracie's shelf as soon as I opened it.  I just have to make a permanent spot for it now.  

I hope that you all had relatively peaceful holiday celebrations surrounded by loving family and friends, and that you were able to remember your angel in some way as part of your celebrations.  Wishing you all an upbeat and pleasant week.  Much love to you all.

Visit Jen!!

My friend, Jen, is planning a giveaway when Lily's blog reaches 100 followers.  She is reeeealy close to 100.  If you don't know Jen, or have never visited Lily's blog, take a minute to go over to read Lily's story and say hello.

Welcoming 2011 and a New Decade

I hope that you all had a peaceful and merry Christmas!  I will post about Christmas as soon as I get pictures moved over from the camera.  For now, I want to reflect on the past year, the new year that is approaching, and the decade that we will be leaving behind.  There are some possible triggers below, so read carefully. 

I was more than happy to say goodbye to 2009, but I really have no opinion about saying goodbye to 2010.  It was a busy year, but it was actually pretty quiet in terms of big events.  Some of the ups and downs of our 2010 include....

• We took advantage of the new year holiday, the full moon and the blue moon (and a little alcohol) to make a rainbow baby...it was the very first thing we did!  :-P
• My BIL and his wife adopted a 4 y/o and 6 y/o brother/sister duo that they had been fostering for about a year.
•  My DH turned 40.
• We gave a loving home to a pooch rescued during a raid of a local Amish puppy mill.  (Carley was a 'pet' on the farm, not in the puppy mill cages...but she came to us after suffering pretty substantial emotional trauma at some point before being rescued.)
• We attended monthly baby loss support meetings and made some friends there.  This has become a very important part of our coping and healing.
• We participated in the March of Dimes March for Babies, and were later asked to be an ambassador family for the 2011 walk.  
• We observed most of our 'year of firsts' without Gracie and celebrated her first birthday in Heaven.
• We welcomed our rainbow, Jenna, who is sleeping on my chest as I type this.  :-)   She rocked my world right from the get-go by arriving after a brief 2.5 hour labor the evening before induction was scheduled.  
• A former co-worker of mine became a BLM after her second child lost a 16 day fight with congenital diaphragmatic hernia, and a brother firefighter became a baby loss grandpa.  :-(
• DH's oldest nephew, with whom he is pretty close, graduated from high school and enlisted in the Navy.  He has finished boot camp, and his first step of A-school (he is now a sworn Naval M.P.), and is currently training to be a K-9 handler. 
• We said goodbye to my BIL's wife, who is perhaps hanging out with Gracie and waiting for the rest of us.
• My MIL had surgery to successfully remove colon cancer.
• Jeff and I now own 3 burial plots that are part of the larger family plot...the one that Gracie is buried on, and one for each of us.  33 is much too young an age to own burial plots.  
• We organized a collection of baby items to donate to the local NICU/PICU as part of remembering Gracie during the Christmas season.
• I completed about 16 months of life with my sister living on a different continent.  

So there it is, 2010 in a nutshell.  Some ups and some downs, but overall, it was better to us than 2009 was.


I certainly wonder what the coming year will bring for us.  But more than that, I wonder what the new decade holds in store for us.  As we move into the new decade, I can't help but reflect on the last 10 years...almost in awe.  Ten years ago I was fresh out of college, and still living in a fairy tale land...completely naive about the curve balls that life could (and would) potentially throw my way.  Since then I have survived more ups and downs than some people endure in a lifetime (but certainly less than some others...)  In addition to the events of the last year, my last 10 years look a little like this (not necessarily in chronological order)...

• My aunt succumbed to cancer and was the first of my father's 13 siblings to die. 
• I made my first independent car purchase (without input or financial help from my father).  I bought a Durango that is a deep purple color, and was consequently dubbed the Pur.ple Peop.le Eater.  I am still driving that car, and as it turns out, it's really the Purple Deer Eat.er.  I have hit and killed 3 deer with it in the last 5 years, and the only damage sustained has been on tiiiiiny ding in the bumper.  I suspect that, eventually, my luck will run out unless I get a big grill protector installed soon. 
• I became a homeowner, and subsequently a landlord.  We no longer rent, but are instead working on changing the house from two apartments back into a single family dwelling.  It has been the most slow-going process of my life, as each project reveals 5 other projects that must be completed in order for the original project to be completed properly...and each additional project costs money that we didn't plan to spend (and usually didn't/don't have to spend) when budgeting for the original project. 
• I forged a friendship with my first tenant...a friendship that would eventually take a most unexpected turn...a turn that would lead to a likely unbreakable bond understood only by BLMs.  (Debbie lost her daughter, Sophie, on her due date not quite 3 years before we lost Gracie)
• I visited Costa Rica after my sister finished a semester of college study there.  It's a beautiful country, and I hope to return there some day to see the things that I missed the first time.
• A long-time childhood friend left my life for unknown reasons.  We have not spoken in about 9 years, and to this day I have no idea why.  I miss her lots, but have decided that it's probably not worth the hurt that would come in trying to reestablish contact.
• I fell into a pretty deep depression that, to this day, I have difficulty figuring out.  Despite meds and counseling, it hung on for a couple of years, and ultimately almost cost me the love of my life.  Luckily, when it was all said and done, it resulted in only being apart for about 6 months.  Eventually I started to pull out of my downward spiral and we were able to fix things. 
• I became part of PA's statewide Urban Search and Rescue system, and spent a few hundred hours cross training as a Rescue Specialist, Technical Search Specialist and a Haz-Mat Specialist.
• I quit my first P.T. job (with nothing else lined up) during a confrontation with my boss after months after months of documenting ethical and legal concerns about the practice for which I was working.
• I opened a private physical therapy practice.  Since physical therapy is a professional, and relatively specialized service, I honestly thought that I would never have to think about disciplinary action with my employees; since having that thought 6 years ago, I have had to fire two employees....by far, two of the most humbling experiences of my life.  Overall, it has been a super-challenging, but rewarding experience.  Sometimes I wonder if I am financially going to live to seen another day, but it's been 6 years now and the doors are still open and the lights are still on.    
• I worked my way up through line officer positions in the fire department, ultimately reaching Deputy Chief.  I have 15.5 years (plus 1.5 years as a junior member) in as a member of the department, and I have been an officer for the last 11-12 years.  2011 will likely be my last year as an officer; I will likely return to the 'lowly' status of plain old firefighter in 2012.  This makes me sad, but it's time.  I'm tired, and I am ready to be a mom.  I don't have the time necessary to dedicate to running a business, raising kids and being an active department leader...and of the three, the being an officer is what will have to give.  
• We said goodbye to a friend who suffered from severe bi-polar disorder for most of her life.  She has been gone for 3 years, and we hope that she is free of the agony that filled her life.  
• We welcomed 2 new dogs and 4 new cats came into our lives, primarily as a result of losing 3 dogs and 3 cats along the way.
• I was named as Pennsylvania's Rescue Technician of the Year in 2007.
• Less than one year later, the friend/mentor who nominated me for that award succumbed to a sudden aortic dissection caused by Marfan's Syndrome and died at the age of 44.  Coincidentally, his widow is one of our midwives. 
• I married the love of my life after 14 years (minus the above noted 'break') together.  After finally tying the knot, we took an amazing honeymoon cruise along the coast of Alaska.  I cannot wait to return to Alaska - to hopefully celebrate our 5th anniversary.  While there, I hope to visit my friend Dawn. 
• I carried my first born child in my belly through 36 weeks of pregnancy, and she was born directly into heaven on August 1st, 2009.  She was buried next to her great grandmother on August 5th.
• My relationship with my mother and step-father continues to be estranged, although honestly, it's probably better this way.  
• My only sibling left US soil on August 18, 2009 for a 27 month Peace Corps assignment in Namibia, Africa.  

Although so many small details of life are not included in that list, that is a quick snapshot of my last 10 years.  Some of these things seem like they happened a lifetime ago, yet some of them still seem so fresh.  I look at this list of events and compare it to the mental list of how things in my life were supposed to unfold, and it's not even close.  It certainly makes me realize that even though we expect our lives to take a specific path, we really have so little control over most of what happens to and around us.  So many people say that we control our own destiny; sure, we absolutely have control over some things, but I think for the most part destiny really is just that...destiny.

Looking at this list makes me wonder what the next year and the next decade will bring.  The following is my wish list for the next year.

• BFP some time in September or October so we can make Gracie and Jenna big sisters in June or July of 2012.
• Continued forward progress on the house, with the hope that we can inhabit the second floor by the end of the year, or at worst, by the time baby number three arrives.
• Continued forward progress for my business, which might financially allow more forward progress with the house.
• Healthy growth and development for Jenna.
• Good mental and physical health for my family and pets.
• Completion of all projects that have been assigned to me at the firehouse, so whoever assumes my position in 2012 can start with a clean slate.  

And the next decade?  I anticipate that my life will be substantially different by the time we reach the end of the next decade, so my hopes and expectations for the next 10 years are really quite simple.  Most importantly, I hope that we have two or three healthy living children that are running us ragged with sports and other activities, and that Jeff and I still have our health and our sanity.

It is my hope that we continue to recover emotionally from Gracie's death, but at the same time keep her memory alive within our family.  I hope that I am able to continue to find ways to reach out and offer support to other BLMs, and maintain the friendships that I have developed with other BLMs over the last year.  It is also my hope that no one else we know will endure the pain of baby loss. 

It is my sincere hope that all major/structural renovations on our house are complete and that it is relatively the way that we want it.  Even better would be completed renovations, the purchase of a parcel of land somewhere that we can build the house that we really want, and sale of this existing house.  This would really make my DH happy.

It is my hope that we do not suffer the loss of any close relatives over the next ten years, but realistically speaking, that seems like an impossibility, since grandparents, aunts, uncles and parents are aging. 

It is my hope that DH and I are able to return to Alaska at least once, but preferably twice...to celebrate our 5th and 10th wedding anniversaries.  I would also like to be able to start traveling with our children, as I would like to show them as much of this country, and possibly places outside of this country, as possible before they go off to college.

I hope that my business is able to survive all of the health insurance changes that will be proposed and enacted as part of 'balancing budgets' and 'regaining control of the out-of-control' American healthcare system. 


My wish to all of you is a peaceful transition into 2011.  I wish you all much love, friendship, prosperity, health and healing in the new year and the coming decade.  My thoughts and love are with all of you.

New Blog

In an attempt to keep Gracie's blog space dedicated to Gracie and Jenna's blog space dedicated to Jenna, I have set up a new blog. I will use the new blog to post about things like cloth diapering, nursing, homemade baby food, cooking and recipes, natural childbirth, general fitness and nutrition, and other topics related to raising baby (and toddler and preschooler as I get to those stages).  While it certainly will not appeal to all, I know that I have some followers who are interested in similar subjects....  For those who are interested, my new blog can be found here. 

Winner!!

I know that I said I would leave this open until  9:00, but there have been no entries for the last 8 hours, and I am going to be super busy at work all day, so I am going to do this a little early.

I could not get the picture from Ran.dom.org to copy and paste over here...not sure what the problem is.  But there were 17 entries.  Random.org picked #11, which belonged to Maggie from Butterflies for Alexandra.  This is kind of ironic, since I won Maggie's giveaway a couple weeks ago! 

Thank you all for entering.  For those who were interested, the flag was purchased through this link.   Wishing you all a very blessed and peaceful Christmas!!

25 Days of Giveaways - Welcome to Day #21

I would like to welcome all of my regular readers, as well as those who are visiting Gracie's blog for the first time as part of Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways.  I would also like to thank Tina for putting the festivities together again this year!!!  It definitely is something to look forward to.  When I think about it, though, it's hard to believe that I have been part of this community long enough to be doing this for the second time!

Today's giveaway is open to BLMs, BLDs, BL aunts or uncles, or BL grandparents.  I had initially planned to offer a gift certificate to the Midnight Orange, however D. Antonia is on a bit of an artistic hiatus, so I decided to go a different route.


I know that many of you have special memorial gardens or other special outside areas set up to memorialize your angels, so I decided that I would give away a  garden flag that reads "We Remember Angelversaries." 

To enter today's giveaway, leave a comment to tell me what special thing(s) you have done or plan to do to remember your little one's angelversary.  If an email address is not readily available through your blogger profile, please also leave your email address in your comment.  I will leave things open until 9:00 a.m. (EST) on Wednesday the 22nd. Good luck to all who enter, and thanks for dropping by our little corner of the blogosphere!  Merry Christmas and much love to you all!