In loving memory of our beautiful little peanut, Grace Isabelle, who was born perfectly peaceful and still on August 1, 2009.
In honor of all angel babies and their families.
For the education of those who have never experienced such a loss.
Taking time today, along with the rest of you, to remember our little ones with unending and unconditional love....and continuing to appreciate the support and friendship that I have found her in the blogosphere. I really wish that none of us had to meet this way, but I do truly feel blessed to have met all of you, and I look forward to years of continued friendship.
Remembering the babies that will forever be in and on our hearts...
On another note, I received an email this morning that originated from the nurse who coordinates the infant loss support group that Jeff and I attend. One of the couples from our group, who lost a full term son to placental abruption last fall, delivered their rainbow - a baby girl - yesterday morning. Eleanor Joy was delivered early due to the risk for repeat abruption, and was ultimately transferred from our hospital to another local hospital for NICU care due to respiratory complications. Her mother (who is a physician) is reportedly pretty optimistic at this point, but they have requested lots of prayers for little Miss Eleanor Joy as she continues to gain strength in the NICU.
Day 13 - A fictional book that is meaningful since your loss
Day 14 - A non-fictional book that is meaningful since your loss
I used to read every second I got...anything that I could get my hands on. Sadly, I don't do a lot of reading these days, so I am going to hit both of these subjects in one post. The reading that I have done since Gracie's death has been either professional in nature or subject matter than I cannot connect to her loss in any way. There is, however, one small thing that I have pulled out a handful of times over the last year. I am not sure if it would be classed as fiction or non-fiction...as much as it would be classed an inspirational combo of both.
About five years ago I was doing some genealogy research and stumbled (via Google) upon an excerpt from the book "Chicken Soup for the Nature Lover's Soul." I had seen lots of Chicken Soup books, but I had never seen this one. The excerpt that I had stumbled upon was about/based on my grandmother. At that point, she had been dead for 20 years and this excerpt had been floating around for at least 10 years...yet I was somehow unaware that this publication existed, as was most of the family.
Although it is not entirely about my grandmother, I have pulled the book out and read the excerpt probably 8 or 10 times over the last year. There is one phrase on the second page speaks to me in a very loud voice..."triumph of spirit." I try to draw from that. After all, that's what life after loss is all about, right? Triumph of our spirits over the pain and heartache. Triumph over what we so often feel can never be survived or conquered .... Individual triumph that most of the world will never understand. The pain of Gracie's death and absence will never go away, so it is up to me to handle it and manage it in the very best way I can. It is up to me to let my true spirit triumph...and to let Gracie's spirit triumph in the most positive way I can (Although there are some days that the positive side of our spirits doesn't win out, these days are becoming much fewer and much further between). Sometimes I think that much of my tenacity and somewhat unorthodox approach to the big events in my life...and my tendency to occasionally give life the finger (in the most refined manner, of course) was inherited directly from my grandmother. As much as I hate it when people tell me that Gracie is hanging out in heaven with her great-grandmother, deep down, I have to admit to myself that they are probably right...
For those interested in reading this excerpt from "Chicken Soup for the Nature Lover's Soul," it can be found through this link...pages 92-96.
High Fructose Corn Syrup is NOT the same as cane sugar. It is NOT natural. And moderate consumption of HFCS cannot be realistically achieved unless you make every possible attempt to completely eliminate it from your diet, because it is in everything. (Just for the record, the corn is so chemically altered in the process of making HFCS that the body actually has a tough time processing and digesting it normally...)
That damn commercial makes me twitch every time I see it! :-P
As with Sunday's post, you may not want to scroll any further if you are not up to viewing pregnancy or baby photos...
Four days before Jenna was born, we got together with a local NILMDTS photographer for a belly shoot, despite the fact that I absolutely hate having my picture taken. My husband was very opposed to doing this, because he was convinced that it would jinx things...but it appears that nothing was jinxed and we came away with some pretty good photos. This is one of my favorites. Looking at this photo now, I am so happy that we were able to squeeze this session in (we had to reschedule a few times and almost ran out of time!) so we have these reminders of our pregnancy with Jenna. I am also sad that we did not have the foresight to do anything like this during our pregnancy with Gracie. I would give just about anything to have just one more memento of our time with her.
It was difficult to choose a picture for this post. I ultimately decided on a this...
This is a picture of me with my grandmother, whom Gracie was named after and is now buried next to. This picture represents a lot of things to me, including love; lost time and opportunities; and determination. My grandmother was killed when I was 8, and while I have quite a few memories, her untimely death took away the opportunity for her entire family to create more memories. The untimeliness and pointlessness of her death will always cause me to feel a little vengeful against those who drive under the influence of controlled substances.
At no point in her life did my grandmother ever have much in terms of worldly possessions. Like the rest of us, she was not by any means a perfect person, but she was certainly determined; she did what she had to do to get herself and her family through to the next day. She raised 14 children and then began her college career. Sadly, after her death, worldly possessions and greed began to divide her children, and the family has never been the same. While our parents waste precious time bickering and giving each other the silent treatment, my generation has worked hard to hold the family ties together so that our children will have the opportunity to know their cousins.
I am proud to say that I am her granddaughter, and I like to think that I inherited some of her determination and tenacity, and that a little piece of her lives on in me...and perhaps my children.
I couldn't decide on just one photo, so I am posting two... If you are sensative to postings with mention of or photos of rainbow babies, please do not procede any further into this post.
I took this picture in June. For some reason I feel Gracie's presence very strongly when I see sun breaking through the clouds like it is in this picture... I can't explain it. I just feel like she is there with me.
I have been waiting for a year to take this picture. I don't believe an explanation is needed.
This photo represents a lot of emotion. It was taken as part of our observance of Gracie's first birthday on August 1st. So that, by itself, is enough to make me feel a little down. It is not the kind of family picture that we should have had from Gracie's first birthday celebration. I am also a little sad that we could not get a picture of the entire family...someone had to run the camera, and for this picture, it was my hubby.
The guy in the green and blue shirt standing next to me is Jeff's younger brother. Right now my heart breaks for him in a way that I cannot describe. The girl next to him on the end (in the blue) is his wife. Two weeks ago, on September 22nd, she attempted to end her life. Ultimately, she was successful, as she was declared as being without brain activity less than 48 hours later. This was completely unexpected. Just like baby loss, this is something that you never expect to happen within your family. It's something that happens in other families...to other people.
My brother-in-law is completely heartbroken and lost, and for now stuck in that land of surreality that we all know so well. Just as he does not truly understand the pain that we experienced in losing Gracie, I cannot pretend to know or understand the pain and helplessness that he is feeling...but I do know that he, like us, has suffered an inconsolable loss. His loss is one that Jeff and I cannot imagine walking through, and ours is one that he cannot imagine walking through. Even if his finds another partner in life, he will carry the weight and pain of this loss with him for the rest of his days, and there will certainly be a piece of his heart that never mends.
Although there was a 'silver lining' of sorts, in the fact that she was a Gift of Life donor and many, many different organs and tissues were able to be gifted to others in need and save several lives, my heart aches in ways that I cannot explain for my BIL and for his wife's mother (she was an only child, which absolutely compounds the loss for her). Knowing that they are more or less inconsolable at this point makes me incredibly sad.
My husband and I lost our first child on July 31, 2009, at 36 weeks gestation - she was born on August 1st. We welcomed our rainbow baby in September of 2010, and we are thrilled to have her here with us!! Blogging has become part of my healing process as we travel this path; it has given me a safe haven for my grief, and more recently, it has become a general outlet for surplus thoughts and frustrations.
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