Our Lives Forever Changed

March of Dimes Fundraising Raffle

2012-01-24T22:08:00.000-05:00

Team Graciebelle is doing a Pampered Chef raffle as a March of Dimes fundraiser. The raffle will run for the month of February; there will be a different Pampered Chef item awarded daily, with two prizes on Valentine's Day. So, your $10 donation to the March of Dimes gets you 30 chances to win great Pampered Chef products!! So see a listing of the prizes, enlarge the picture below.

Obviously, most of you don't live close enough to buy a ticket from me in person. If anyone is interested in buying a ticket and supporting the March of Dimes, I would be happy to accept payment via paypal and then either drop your ticket stub in the mail or scan/email it to you. Prizes can be shipped. If you would like a ticket, please email me directly (address is in the side column) or leave a comment here with your email address and I will contact you.

And the winner is....

2011-12-15T21:33:00.001-05:00

Sorry that I'm so very late with this, ladies, but it's been a day.

The winner of the bead sprout ornament is the author of comment #8... Kate.

The runner-up, and winner of the Pampered Chef 29-day raffle ticket, is the author of comment #14... Cooper and Lily's mama, Jen.

Kate, please send me an email at sand0113 [at] gmail [dot] com with your address so I know where to send your ornament.

Jen, I will scan your ticket and email it to you.

Thanks to all who visited and commented. Wishing you a very merry, safe and peaceful Christmas season.

Amendment to Day #14 Giveaway

2011-12-14T14:01:00.000-05:00

If any of you that follow Gracie's blog have already visited today for the giveaway, please be aware that the end of my original post somehow got cut off or omitted. I have added to the end of what was posted earlier, so you might want to go back and read for one second about the second item that I am offering...

25 Days of Giveaways - Day #14

2011-12-13T18:00:00.051-05:00

Welcome to all who are here as part of Tina's 25 days of giveaways. I have finally had the foresight to get this posted in early enough for those living half a day ahead of me to participate on the right day, and I will be leaving it open until 7:00 a.m. (EST on 12/15/11) for the benefit of those living several hours behind me.

Although I haven't been able to participate in each day of this year's giveaways, I want to thank Tina for coordinating this awesome event again this year. It is a little bright light to look forward to during a time that can be so bittersweet. I have participated for the last two years, and each year I have struggled to find the right item to give away. Two years ago, I gave a hand-made angel stocking that Betty so graciously waited very patiently for. Last year I thought I had found the perfect gift in the form of an angelversary garden flag, but when the flags arrived, I was so disappointed with the quality. So, what to give this year???

Two years ago, my husband and I decided that we would find a few new Gracie ornaments for our Christmas tree each year. This will be our third year for this tradition, and I suspect that it will get a bit more difficult each year, as I have had a difficult time limiting myself to just one or two per year. Last year, one of the ornaments that I purchased was a hand-made bead sprout angel ornament that has wings and Gracie's name and date of birth on the back. I love this ornament so much that I have decided to give one for this year's giveaway. The winner will receive a baby in pink blanket if their angel is a little girl, and a blue blanket if their angel is a little boy. If your angels were multiples, I will do my very, very best to send one of the appropriate color for each angel (if a mama of multiples wins, it might be closer to next Christmas until I am able to send both, simply because of the 'production' schedule of the wonderful woman who makes these.). I know that there are few of you who already have one of these ornaments; if the winner happens to already have one, I will find a replacement ornament for you.

To enter, please leave a comment below and tell me your angel's name and date of birth. Please also tell me what holiday traditions you and your family have established or fallen into to remember your angel(s).

***** I did this post ahead of time and scheduled it to be automatically posted by blogger. I just discovered that the last 1/4 of it is missing and never posted. So here is the rest of it for those who have not visited yet...I suppose it will just be a surprise to those who have already been here!!

One additional winner will receive a Pampered Chef calendar raffle ticket for February 2012. This is a fund raiser that we are doing for our March for Babies team. For more information on the raffle (and information about how to purchase a ticket if you don't win one), please visit our Team Graciebelle blog.

25 Days of Giveaways!

2011-12-01T07:12:00.000-05:00

If you are no familiar with the 25 Days of Giveaways organized by Tina (this is the THIRD year already!), please visit her blog and check it out! Today is day #1 of the giveaways. Come back here and visit me on December 14th for the giveaway that I am hosting.

2012 March for Babies Fundraisers

2011-11-07T15:43:00.000-05:00

We have decided to take a different approach to our March for Babies fund raising this year (well, for the 2012 walk.

We are starting early, and running two different events at once. The first event we are doing is a Chris.tmas cookie sale. If you don't feel like baking this holiday season, we can help you out!

We are also doing a Pam.pered Ch.ef calendar raffle. The prizes will be drawn each day in February, with two prizes drawn on Valentine's Day.

You can find more information about both of these fundraisers on our Team Graci.ebelle blog fundraising page...

If you would like to support us in either of these efforts, drop me an email or leave a comment below.

What Remains

2011-11-01T22:56:00.000-04:00

Twenty-seven months. 791 days. Just over 18,984 hours. Just over 1,139,040 minutes. Yet, it seems like just yesterday that I gave birth to my oldest child's lifeless body, with the only cries to disturb the quiet of that night belonging to myself and my husband.

Twenty-seven months. Enough time for my little girl to have grown into an active, inquisitive and loving toddler who would have understood this year's trick-or-treating, this year's visit to Santa, and the presents under this year's Christmas tree.

But instead, what remains is simply a notion of my daughter...a notion of what she would have looked like...and a notion of who she would be now.

What remains is a mama who appears, on the outside, to have 'gotten over it' and 'moved on'. Truth be known, I am okay. I have far more good days than bad days. But the bad days...the bad days are very.bad.days. that knock this mama down and leave her heart hurting in the worst way possible. The bad days leave this mama wanting to stand on the roof and shout loud enough for everyone within 100 miles to know just how much this sucks.

What remains is a mama who has never struggled with anxiety, but is now regularly blindsided by the feeling that her heart is going to pound right out of her chest...followed by inexplicable angst that lasts for the remainder of the day and evening and interferes with everything else on her agenda.

What remains is a mama that desperately wishes that she could understand this phase of her husband's grieving process (and that he could understand hers a little better, too.). For now, she will settle for finally accepting that there are sometimes no words to begin to describe the difference between a woman's grief and a man's grief.

What remains is this blog space. Originally intended to honor my daughter, hold my thoughts and my grief, and let others know that they aren't alone, this space is now relatively quiet. Over the last twenty-seven months it has certainly served its purposes, but now it is seldom visited and seldom updated. I like to hope and believe that it still serves it purpose in the natural progression of my grief...

What remains are acquaintanceships and friendships that I have forged through this blog and other avenues within the loss community. Lots of acquaintances. More than I can easily count. A small handful of life-long friends that I feel like I have known since elementary school. Friends who understand. Friends who expect nothing from me except the same understanding. Friends who will always be there.

What remains is a mama who feels compelled to reach out to those who suddenly find themselves the newest member of this dreadful 'club,' despite the fact that doing so sometimes seems to add insult to injury. Salt constantly poured into the wounds, yet it feels worse to not reach out... I guess it balances out in knowing that I am able to pay forward the love and support offered to us when we needed it most...

What remains is a mama who lives amongst people who see the things that she does to maintain and honor daughter's memory and say things like "Maybe if you did less to keep her 'alive' and constantly remember her, you would have an easier time letting her die. Maybe you would feel better if you just let her die." (I sometimes secretly wonder if these people might have a small, yet valid, point...)

What remains is a rainbow who embodies everything that I pictured her older sister to be...and more. I love her more than words...with everything I have, but sometimes I feel like it's just not enough.

Ultimately, what remains is a mama who misses the 'before,' yet would not trade any of this for anything...except for one very small, tiny, little Peanut...

Someday

2011-08-08T22:55:00.002-04:00

Someday I will look at children born within a few months of 8.1.09 and not involuntarily try to picture what my daughter would look like and be doing. Someday I will not look at Gracie's second cousin, born two months before she was, and think that there should be two of them running around and climbing all over things and people at family reunions. Someday I will look at my friend's little girl, born 3.5 months before Gracie and not think that they should be playing together. Some day I will see pictures of Lyla, born about 6 weeks before Gracie, and not feel that envy...not even a little bit. Someday. Some.day. But today is. not. that. day.

Two Years

2011-08-02T22:18:00.000-04:00

‘How’d you do with the birthday?’ So many times I wish people would be more direct with their curiosity or questions about Gracie, and baby loss in general, but I’m not sure that today was one of those days. And then there is the question of whether or not this person really wanted to know how I did with Gracie’s birthday, or if she simply wanted to say something to acknowledge the day and she just didn’t know what else to say. Regardless, I gave my standard answer of ‘Eh – okay.’

But how did I really do with Gracie’s second birthday / angelversary? Okay. Fine. Not fine. I don’t really know, I guess. I did better with her actual birthday than I did with the day before her birthday. August 1^st is technically the day that she was born, but in my mind it is really just a continuation of July 31^st, which is the day Gracie died, the day that her death was confirmed and the day that I labored for 9 hours (out of 11.5 total hours). If my labor had been induced 2.5 hours earlier than it was, it’s probable that she would have been born on the 31^st instead of things dragging over into a completely new day and month. So, for me it’s more about the 31^st than it is the 1^st.

Regardless of which day we’re talking about, I can say that there was no meltdown, no flood of tears and no drinking to drown my sorrows…so it wasn’t that bad. There was no birthday cake, no large family dinner, no large balloon release, no gifts or flowers left at her grave site by friends or family…so it wasn’t really that great, either. Most notably, there was no two-year-old Gracie. All of that was replaced with a morning at the flea market, a family nap and processing homemade baby food on Sunday and a half-day of work, an afternoon thunderstorms with torrential downpours and hail, dropping off a few more things for the memory boxes that Debbie and I donated, and an abbreviated and lonely visit to the cemetery on Monday. We took a small bouquet of flowers and released four balloons, but didn’t stay long at the cemetery since there wasn’t much break in the thunderstorms. The rest of the evening was pretty uneventful. I wanted to do more than this to honor her day(s). Over the last month we actually put quite a bit of thought into what we wanted to do on Sunday and Monday. We tossed around several ideas, but ultimately we never decided on anything that felt right. In some way, I feel like we let Gracie down with our lack of planning and our lack of ‘festivities’. Ironically, a year ago I had a feeling that this would happen. (To read about Gracie’s first birthday, read here). Hopefully next year we can get it together.

Amongst our travels, I spent much of the 31^st looking at the clock and thinking about what was happening at that moment two years earlier. Thinking about every part of that awful day over and over and wondering how in the world two years can simultaneously pass so quickly and stand so completely still. It’s one of those things that you try to turn off, but just can’t. I have also spent much of the last few days thinking how different everything is. How different it is compared to one year ago. How different it is compared to two and three years ago. How different so many things in our lives are now compared to what should have been…compared to what was supposed to be. Death, new life, marriage, divorce, illness, heartache, upheaval…none of it playing out the ‘right’ way. Oh, how I wish I knew what any of it meant.

I will close with a few photos. The top photo is the remainder of the donations for the memory boxes. The others are from Monday’s visit to the cemetery. Wishing you all a peaceful week (or month, since it seems that I can’t get here and write any more frequently than once a month these days!) Loving you and missing more than anyone will ever know, baby girl!!

What Fun It Was

2011-06-30T09:41:00.000-04:00

My pregnancy with Gracie overlapped with the pregnancies of a large handful of family and friends. Most of those babies were born within 2-3 months (before and after) of Gracie. Being pregnant with everyone else was a hoot...all the conversation about these kids growing up and playing together. It really was incredibly fun. Right up until the day my daughter's heart stopped beating. Now it sucks. Most days it doesn't bother me too much. Other days it sucks big, fat hairy goat balls. Pictures of these kids posted on FB. Watching these kids run around and play at family events. Hearing my friends talking about taking their kids to an area amusement park that we all went to as kids. Watching and hearing about the plans for last year's first birthday parties and this year's second birthday parties. I should be doing all of the same things this year. I keep looking at all of these kids and seeing how big they have gotten over the last two years, and looking at Jenna as she grows so quickly...and wondering what my little Gracie would look like now and what she would be doing. I don't want to ever forget, but some times I wish my brain would quit with the 'what if' and 'I wonder...' thoughts.

2011-06-20T13:33:00.000-04:00

I'm okay. I really am. I'm not sitting here in tears. I'm not sitting here trembling. But I am sitting here in awe...to the point that I needed to write a short blip here.

Today has been a good day. It's one of those days that, while Gracie (and baby loss) plays at low volume in the back of my mind, she is not a forerunning or all-consuming thought. I just came home for lunch, sat down and turned the t.v. on and found a rerun of Grey's Ana.tomy. I haven't watched Grey's in a couple months, so how is it that, of all episodes, I turned the t.v. on just in time to see them finding no heartbeat on an ultrasound screen??? How completely random is this??? I've seem this episode, and I'll be fine, but shit. It's all suddenly in the front of my brain, and I know from experience that it will stay there until I go to bed tonight. Sometimes I wonder about the timing and randomness of these happenings...

It Just Seems Fitting...

2011-06-09T20:26:00.000-04:00

Right Where I Am: 1 year, 10 months

2011-06-07T22:29:00.001-04:00

Many thanks to Angie from Still Life with Circles for coordinating the Right Where I Am project for all of us to talk about where we are in our grief.

I'm lost. I have gone to look for myself.

If I get back before I return, please ask me to wait.

I should find this on a shirt and wear it every day. Or maybe put it on a button. Either way, this is it. Most days, I am okay, as far as okay goes after the loss of a child. But, quite honestly, I am still looking for myself. I am twenty two months without my first born. Twenty two months trying to figure out who I was then and who I am now. Twenty two months trying to figure out where I was, where I am and where I'm headed.

Twenty two months ago I was wife to a playful and passionate husband. Twenty two months ago I was a self-employed physical therapist and owner of a private physical therapy practice. Twenty two months ago I was Deputy Chief of an award-winning and trail blazing volunteer fire department. Twenty two months ago I was a daughter, sister, niece and friend. Twenty two months ago I was me.

Today I am still all of those things. I am still a wife, still a self-employed physical therapist, still Deputy Chief. i am still a daughter, sister, niece and friend. In fact, at first glance, the pictures are quite similar until you hold them up to the light...that's when the differences can be seen with clarity.

I am still still married to the body that I took for better or for worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health. Sadly, he is not the man that I married. Playful and passionate is gone. Don't get me wrong...I don't expect him to be the same man that I married, because I am certainly not the same woman that he married. But most days I cannot even catch a glimpse or the smallest remnant of the man that once existed. In the days immediately following Gracie's death, I experienced a very unexpected urge and need to be physically close to my husband. My recovery prevented intimacy, but even if that had not been an issue, my husband and I were certainly not on the same page. In the months after Gracie's death, as we started talking about TTC again, any mention of intimacy immediately turned to talk of beer, Wi.ld Tur.key or scotch; there was no baby making without my husband first indulging in one of the three. Twenty two months and one rainbow baby later, my husband is still dealing with the same mental block, and it's beginning to take its toll on me mentally and emotionally. No matter what, I love him more than words can describe, but God help me, I miss my husband. I know that he will never be the same, but I am having such a hard time dealing with the drastic change in our physical relationship. Never in a million years did I think there would come a day that I would miss the man that had to be beaten off with a stick. But I miss him...some days, almost as much as I miss Gracie. I.just.plain.miss.my.husband.

I am still a self-employed physical therapist; I still own a private physical therapy practice, but it's not what it was 3 or 4 years ago. I used to be the persona of incredible motivation and over achievement. If I thought it, I made it happen. Now, some days, I consider myself to be very lucky that my doors are still open. I still work hard, more or less because I don't have a choice, but I just can't keep up any more. I have spent the last 15-18 months trying to find my drive...trying to find my passion...trying to find simple focus. Focus. HA! Right now I should be doing end-of-the-school year paperwork, and I'm blogging instead. Blogging has become a very common diversion for my paperwork....which just puts me further and further behind the 8-ball. (And the further behind I get with paperwork, the more imposing the financial implications.) It's absolute agony for me to complete a simple 8-10 sentence report for a patient's visit to the doctor, but I can sit and bang out a 4000 word blog post without effort.

I am still Deputy Fire Chief. Blah. I have been a firefighter/EMT/rescue technician for 17 years. Somewhere along the way, I picked up a gaggle of faithful 'subjects' in the form of junior firefighters that used to follow me around day and night. My commitments and responsibilities at the fire house used to rank very high on my priority list; I used to shoot out of bed every time the pager went off. Now...I just don't feel it anymore. Initially, I thought that it would get better as I moved away from Gracie's death...that my spark would come back and I would get back in the saddle. Not so much. That same drive that I talked about above...it's gone...and it carries over into the one aspect of my life that I thought would go unscathed. It makes me sad. Actually, it makes me really sad. I worked my ass off for 15 years to gain the respect of the men around me, and for the last 22 months I just haven't cared.

I am still me. The new me, and as I said at the top of this post, most days I am okay. True statement.

There are still days that I think it would be less painful to stick a fork in my eye than deal with my thoughts and feelings. Those are the days that I walk around with blog posts running and running in my head and no opportunity to sit down and get any of it out. At this point, though, the good days pretty much outnumber those days. But, I wish I could make people understand that a 'good day' is not synonymous with the return of the 'old me.' It means that I am functional; I get up, take care of my family, go to work and do the other things that I need to do to effectively remain part of part of society. I sleep well and cry very little; outside of the first month after Gracie's death, this has been the norm for me, but I cannot begin to explain it. Occasionally, there are days that I feel like I'm encompassed by fog and I run on autopilot; these are the days that it is in everyone's best interest to take a step back and carefully choose their words. Thankfully, these days are becoming fewer and further between.

Gracie's pictures and memento shelf have a place in our living room. I frequently carry Jenna over near the photos so she can see Gracie, and I tell her a little bit about Gracie while we look at her picture. With the exception of a couple specific articles of clothing, Jenna uses the things that were purchased for Gracie. I'm okay with this, as we had originally planned to use as many of Gracie's things as possible for subsequent babies.

Old friends have exited, but new friends have entered. Some 'old' friends want desperately to understand, and perhaps even feel, our pain and grief; most have no desire to understand it or accept it for what it is. I appreciate those who make the effort, and I generally don't have the time of day for those who don't give a shit. There is a special place in my heart for a very small number of people around us who have been profoundly affected by our experience, and have a very hard time dealing with it. All in all, though, it's still an incredibly lonely place, and I have learned that there are very select few people that I can turn to for the right kind of support at the right moment.

I still struggle with my faith and trying to figure out why God would ever do something like this. I still occasionally feel some degree of contempt toward those who have no idea how lucky they are to never experience difficulty getting pregnant, pregnancy loss or baby loss; likewise, I occasionally feel contempt toward those who constantly feel inconvenienced by their kids.

Sometimes I'm still amazed by how profoundly our loss can affect pre-existing 'baggage' and and vice versa. I've actually spent quite a bit of time thinking about this lately. I have one sister, and although we have our differences, we have always been pretty close. She left two weeks after Gracie's funeral for a 2+ year assignment in Africa with the Peace Corps; she is expected to complete her service and return to the states some time in December or January. Prior to her departure, we talked on the phone daily, and usually supplemented that with daily online communication. While she's been in Africa, we've been lucky to hook up online once or twice a week for a few minutes and/or via Sky.pe once every month or two. Obviously, lots has changed in her world since she's been gone; she has, after all, been living in Africa for almost 2 years. Lots has changed in my world since she's been gone. Even with the 'regular' communication we have had since she left, she has essentially missed my entire grieving process. That's not to say that my grief or my grieving process are her burden to bear, but rather to say that there are many things about my grief and grieving that I have not said or shared with her that I would have undoubtedly shared with her if she had been stateside for the last 2 years. There is so much about me and my hubby that she will just not understand or get once she gets back and resumes regular interaction with us; likewise, there is also so much that I will never understand about her...and perhaps a thing or two that I will never want to understand. Truth be known, I feel like we will welcome a stranger back into the country in a few months, due in large part to all that has unfolded since the death of our daughter, and I am quite unsettled by it.

It is still sometimes difficult for me to watch as two little ones around us grow up. My husband's cousin had a little boy just two months before Gracie died, and my very best friend in the world had a little girl 3.5 months before Gracie died. We see one relatively frequently, and I see pictures of the other even more frequently. As much as I love her, the pictures of my friend's little girl sometimes really tug at my heart; they help me to visualize exactly what I am missing out on with my beautiful little girl. Aside from these two little ones, I do pretty well around babies and toddlers that are the age that Gracie should be.

So, where am I headed? It's impossible to know. If I take only one 'lesson' away from this entire experience, it is this... I must, must, must accept that, no matter how much I want to believe otherwise, life works on its own terms...not mine. I can do things to influence the path of my life, but for the most part, it's completely out of my control. To that end, I know that I don't want to be solely defined by the loss of my daughter. It will always be part of who I am, and shape some of the things that I do, but I don't want it to be what I am. I am still working on this. It is safe to say that I will never regain the innocence or naivety that I had before Gracie died, but I do think that, in time, I will be able to recover some of the spark and pizazz that Gracie's death smacked right out of me. So I am going to keep looking for that spark and pizazz. At the same time I am going to keep trying to find some way to ease some of my husband's pain - for his benefit, for our rainbow's benefit, and for my own selfish benefit. How long will it take? Forever. It will all be part of our life long journey. Where will I be in six months or a year? I'd like to tell you that I will have found a few remnants of my husband, found my focus and gotten back on track at work, found my spark and drive and gotten back on track at the fire house and picked up where I left off with my sister. The truth is that I have no clue, but if you made it this far, I invite you to stop back at some point to see where I am.

Snafu

2011-06-02T08:45:00.002-04:00

I don't know if this is entirely appropriate for me to post here, and I honestly don't know how long I will leave it. It's written more as a vent than anything, since it's something that I can't really go 'real life' public with in terms of venting....

A few weeks ago during an online conversation, my sister (who, with the exception of 3 weeks around Christmas 2010, has been in Southern Africa with the Peace Corps since August of 2009) casually mentioned that she had had a 'condom snafu' and that she was planning to do a pregnancy test when she went into the capital city several days later for dental work. I told her that there were worse things than getting pregnant, to which she responded that if she was pregnant (which was worst case scenario), she would get a two week 'vacation' stateside. I was confused about this so I asked why they would send her stateside for two weeks. Her reply was "because abortion is illegal here."

Her reply almost knocked me off the couch. I could not believe what I was seeing on my computer screen. Thankfully, it was time to keep moving so I could get out the door on time for work, but I spent the rest of the day trying to process this chain of events. The more I processed it, the more disturbed I became. Growing up, my sister and I didn't always see eye to eye, but we have always been quite close. Sadly, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that this brewing situation was one of very few things capable of having a profoundly negative impact on our relationship.

Our conversation caused an immediate flurry of thoughts and questions in my brain. Does the Peace Corps really use tax money to pay for her med-evac trip across the Atlantic for this? Who actually pays for her abortion? How in the world does she think she can remain in 'stealth mode' if she spends two weeks stateside; does she really think that this is something that she can hide from close friends and family? Has she even thought about the implications of having an abortion? Has she given any consideration at all to carrying a baby to term and arranging an adoption? We want more kids...could we adopt and raise this baby or would that eventually create too much tension and animosity amongst the family? And lastly...why in the hell would she share her intentions with me????? Has she forgotten that we buried her first born niece less than two years before???? Did she think AT ALL about the reaction I might have to her having an abortion?

Ten years ago, this wouldn't have had much impact on me, as I have never been steadfast pro-life or pro-choice. But things are substantially different for me now than they were 5 or 10 years ago. In this particular instance, I had a severely negative reaction to her inclination to use abortion as a means of back up birth control. Thinking about it actually caused a physical reaction within me. I kept coming back to thoughts about the people I know who are struggling to cope with infertility and/or long and arduous adoption processes...and I wondered if any of them would have interest in a private adoption. I kept coming back to thoughts about what the next few years hold for us in terms of our childbearing hopes. I kept coming back to thoughts that told me over and over again that my sister is just way to selfish to even consider carrying a baby to term in order for it to be adopted.

I agonized over all of this for 3 days until I got word from my sister that her pregnancy test was negative. Surprisingly, knowing that she is not pregnant didn't really make me feel much better. A few weeks have passed, and it's still nagging at me...pretty substantially. Those who read here with any regularity might remember that my sister's visit state side over Christmas was very bumpy. It was probably the single worst 3 week period that I have ever been through with my sister. Based on that, I simply cannot imagine what would have ensued if she had announced that she was pregnant. I do know, without a doubt, that it would have been ugly and I'm certain that it would not have passed quickly...if at all. There are questions that I didn't get answers to (including who would have paid for her trip and procedure) that I will probably never will get answers to. As much as I would 'love' to breach the conversation with her at some point now that I know there is no baby involved, I know that nothing productive can come from it, so I just don't know if it's worth it.

I so badly want for my sister to un-ring this bell. I want to erase these thoughts and I want to not see my sister in this whole new light . I want, in the worst way, to not have this kind of reaction over something that I have absolutely no control over. I certainly want to never have this kind of reaction to something that someone else considers to be just a snafu...just an inconvenient bump in the road.

Memory Boxes

2011-06-01T12:03:00.001-04:00

My real life BLM friend, Debbie, and I found out several months ago that one of the hospitals local to our area does very little for loss families. Essentially, all they do is provide a copy of the book "When Hello Means Goodbye" and they get a lock of hair and footprints from the baby "if they can." We were shocked by how little they do to comfort these families, and we decided to do a little something, not for the hospital's sake, but for the sake of these families as they begin one of the most difficult journeys of their lives. We put together 5 memory boxes and dropped them off a couple weeks ago. The nurse manager of the OB department was floored "that anyone would be this generous." While it felt good to fill a need of this kind, I was floored that, as a department, they don't see or feel a need to make sure that every (appropriate) family goes home with something similar...without depending on the generosity of others.

Here are a few pics of what we delivered. Debbie is responsible for making the outside of these boxes look so great!! (The beautiful hats that Debbie also ordered are missing from the pictures...I will add those later.)

Embodiment of Spirit

2011-05-31T23:15:00.000-04:00

I have some interesting conversations amongst my travels between schools during the week. Most of them are harmless banter; some of them are seemingly innocent, but totally inappropriate. During one of those seemingly innocent conversations a few weeks ago, someone suggested to me that perhaps Gracie's spirit returned to us in Jenna's body and that ultimately we might not be missing a child, just a body. Of course, the conversation sparked lots of activity within my mind...

I have struggled with my faith for a long time. Weird, since there are (well, were) nuns on both sides of my family and my dad's entire family (14 kids) went to Catholic school. Perhaps it's not so weird when you consider that over the last 25 years, the many of the God fearing Catholics on both sides of my family have not only moved away from the Catholic church, but away from organized religion all together. Anyway, it's always been a struggle for me. I believe that a divine being (known commonly as God) does exist, but I don't really know what else I believe about that being. Consequently, I have mixed feelings, beliefs and fears about what waits for us after death. I don't know how one can have such mixed feelings and beliefs about something like this, but I do.

There is, sadly, a part of me that believes that when we die, we die. That's it. Nothing else. No Heaven, no Hell, no spiritual afterlife, no reincarnation. Just cold, eternal nothingness.

There is a part of me that believes in spiritual reincarnation. It is not uncommon to hear me say that I want to come back as a well cared for dog or cat in my next life, or that I must have been this or that in my previous life. Part of me does believe that the spirit of each person, young or old, is the rekindled spirit of something else...but I don't necessarily know if I believe that we are inhabited by the spirit of someone else. There is absolutely a part of me that wants desperately to believe that perhaps Jenna's body is simply a new vessel for Gracie's spirit since the first vessel failed...but my brain says that there is no connection and that trying to make a connection is completely unfair to Jenna.

There is a part of me believes that we all either go to Heaven, Hell and/or Purgatory when we die. I believe this more than I believe anything else. I really want to believe that Gracie is in Heaven hanging out with my grandmother, Jeff's grandfather, a few other relatives, a few family friends, and all of her angel baby friends. I want to believe that she really is an angel, because on so many levels this belief brings me more comfort than any other belief or thought.

Perhaps, one day I will figure it all out. Until then, I guess my brain will run...and envy those who have already figured it out.

Why Do I Write?

2011-05-31T14:19:00.002-04:00

The support group that we attend is wonderful. While we certainly have very serious periods of discussion, there is always some lighthearted conversation to counter the really serious stuff. At our last meeting, there was loose discussion about why some of us still attend and how long we will choose to attend the monthly meetings. Those of us who are support group junkies pretty much had the same answer; we still attend because it helps us in one way or another. More or less, we will attend "as long as we feel that it continues to help us...as long as we need to."

Sometimes I ask myself the same question about writing here in this space...why do I still come here to write and how long will I continue to do so? What can there possibly be to say that I haven't said already? At some point, many of us who write here in the baby loss blogosphere have asked ourselves these questions. I have asked them before, and I've blogged about them before. I have questioned specifically whether I come here and write because I am down or if I am down because I come here and write. Tonight I looked back through several months of old posts, and that was all I needed to answer that question. I come here when everything inside has built up to an undesirable level, and the end result, I think, brings me up more than it brings me down.

I write because it's still an outlet. The further we move from Gracie's death, the more the world around me expects that I am, or soon will be, the old me. With that expectation comes the people who just just don't want to hear about it anymore...the people who cannot or will not accept that the old me just doesn't exist. With that expectation comes building frustration...and the need to write and purge. I come here to purge because the people 'here' get it, and even if they don't get it, I still don't need to worry about being judged or criticized. Sometimes I come here, not because I am looking for feedback or comments, but because it's better to write here than it is to talk out loud to an empty room.

I write because my words are sometimes helpful to others. It pains me to know that there are new women joining this community every day, but there is a small measure of comfort in knowing that some of them make their way into the blogosphere and find comfort in various blogs, including this one. If I have to be in this position, and let's face it...I don't have a choice in the matter, I am glad that something 'good' can come of it.

Most importantly, I write for the love of my daughter. A deep-rooted, unending, unconditional love that only a parent can understand. Enough said.

Butterflies Aplenty

2011-05-27T10:38:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was one of my normal days to be out of the office to see school kids, after which I stopped at home for lunch. On the walk from home to the office, I was greeted by lots and lots of butterflies. Each spring the local elementary school displays artwork in the windows of Main Street businesses, and most of that artwork was distributed yesterday morning. There is quite a variety of artwork on display right now, but two businesses received only butterfly artwork...mine happened to be one of the two. I took a few pictures...

Windows of the pharmacy up the street

My office windows...with some glare added for effect...

Who?

2011-05-15T18:27:00.000-04:00

This is a duplicate post...sort of. I know that I posted it once because several ladies commented on it. It seems, however, that it fell victim to Blo.gger's issues, and somehow reverted back to a saved draft with some content missing. So here is my second attempt...

We each have our own way of processing our losses, but as a BLM, we each eventually accept that our hearts automatically causes our brains to form thought attachments. We simply accept that our brains will, for a very long time, attach thoughts of our dead babies to so many of our daily routines, activities and conversations. For me, it's just one of the bullet points listed under 'new normal.'

Eventually we begin to care less and less about the fact that expressing those thought attachments might make someone else uncomfortable, and we start to throw them into daily conversation here and there. We watch people squirm a little bit and sometimes we can actually see them mentally searching for the 'right' words with which to respond. And then, one day, just when we think there are none left, another bomb drops. It stops you mid-sentence and mid-step, and might actually cause you to be momentarily lost for words.

That bomb dropped for me today. Again, it's not necessarily the bomb itself that stings, but having to remind myself that people forget. Quickly. I was talking with one of my per-diem employees today, and I said something that included the phrase "...since Gracie died..." - "Who?" - "Gracie." - "Gracie who?" "Our Gracie, our baby." - "Oh." Now, this woman was our back-up labor coach for Gracie's birth, and she walks with us on our M.o.D. team, so she's not exactly unfamiliar with Gracie...so I was stupified by this entire conversation (which lasted only 5-10 seconds). It's just reinforcing proof that it's absolutely not burned into the minds of everyone around us...and certainly not in the front of the minds of those who are still supportive of our journey even years after our losses.

The entire encounter made me think about my grandmother today. She is 91 and in a skilled nursing facility with substantial Alzheimer's Disease. She has 3 living children and 1 dead baby. All I know about my Uncle David is that he died when he was a baby. I don't know where he fell in the birth order, I don't know if he was stillborn or died after birth, and I don't know why he died. I do know that I have heard people talk about him only twice in my 34 years and that he was not listed in my grandfather's obituary (as having predeceased his father). It all makes me wonder about how my Grandmother has really felt all these years. Was she able to push it from her mind and move on with her life (because that's what was forced upon her) or did she think of my Uncle David often and just keep it to herself? I wonder if, amongst her Alzheimer's, she thinks of him now. Oh, how I would love to talk with my grandmother about this, but the Alzheimer's makes this an off limits conversation. Sadly, I don't know what she would be able to remember, or how accurate it would be, and she also does not know about my little Gracie.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-13T14:48:00.000-04:00

I just got notification about a new comment on this week's Wordless Wednesday post, and another email to tell me that I never said what it was that I see in the picture. Crap. I see is an upside down angel in the upper left hand corner of the picture. If you haven't seen the picture, you can do so here.

Into the Woods

2011-05-13T14:45:00.002-04:00

Thank you to those who have offered prayers and thoughts for my dad's health. We knew after his surgery last Monday that he was not officially out of the woods until the pathology report came back, and now we know for sure that we are headed back into the woods. We learned yesterday that of the 13 lymph nodes that they removed for testing, cancer was found in 6. The surgeon said that all things considered, his cancer is a stage 3 deal. Not the best news of the week, but not the worst. It could have been all 13 instead of just 6; his cancer could be stage 4 or metastasized into other organs. He has an oncology appointment on May 25th, but we already know that chemo is really the only option at this point. Please keep the prayers and the uplifting thoughts coming in the next few days and weeks. I could REALLY use them right now.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-11T15:34:00.000-04:00

Okay, so it's not completely wordless. I'm not one to generally see things in the clouds, but the moment I looked at this picture, something struck me. I'm just curious...does anyone else see what I see?

Family

2011-05-02T21:03:00.001-04:00

These days I am thankful that most of the loose lips, stupidity, mindlessness of others doesn’t hurt or sting like it used to. Now it just makes me sigh, roll my eyes or twitch a little bit. Occasionally it makes me giggle, simply because whatever has happened is so unbelievable. I’m not sure if it’s more amusing or more frustrating when it’s family that does the stupid stuff.

If you’ve read here for any length of time and actually committed to memory the things that I have written here, you may recall that I don’t talk much about my mother…and when I have talked about her, it’s usually to say that the relationship is strained at best, and has been for about 20 years. When it’s warranted, I do try to make an effort, though. After much debate, we included her in Gracie’s funeral arrangements, and she made a spectacle of herself during the service. I saw her only once or twice between Gracie’s funeral and when Jenna was born. I have seen her just a handful of times since Jenna came home from the hospital, primarily because she sits around and waits for a gold plated invitation to come visit her granddaughter. We don’t do gold plated invitations. For anyone. The rule is that if you want to see Jenna, you call us to see if we’re home and then you come visit. When she doesn’t get a gold plated invitation, she sits around and sulks and then she starts fishing for an invitation by inundating me with emails. Rarely will she ever just ask if she can come visit.

This morning she sent me an email that, at first glance, seems innocent enough. But in all honesty, it kind of put me off and now I just need to vent a little bit. First, she asked me to go shopping with her on Friday or Saturday so she can buy me a mother’s ring. Yes, it’s a nice gesture, but it’s not appropriate yet. She and I have had this discussion already and she’s been told that I have no interest in a mother’s ring until we are done having kids, and she’s also been told that my husband is actually looking forward to buying that for me. She followed up the jewelry offer with an invitation to come to dinner at her house on Sunday so ‘we can have fun celebrating (my) first Mother’s Day.’ Yep. My first Mother’s Day. Is it appropriate to say ‘Thanks, Ma, but I celebrated my first Mother’s Day last year by having brunch with my husband and then going to the cemetery.’? If she hadn’t gone down that ‘first’ road, I probably would have agreed to dinner, but I’m just not feeling it now. I’m just not feeling sitting there through the celebration of my ‘first’ Mother’s Day without saying something, yet I’m just not feeling that conversation with my mother, either. A detail so small and so HUGE at the same time...

In other family matters, if those of you who pray have any extra prayer space, I could use a little prayer directed this way. My dad had surgery today for colon cancer. The surgery went well, and it appears that everything was contained to the colon and removed without issue, but we won’t know for certain until the pathology reports on the lymph nodes are back. So, if you can keep us in your thoughts, I’d appreciate it. Thanks!!

Sending Love

2011-05-01T22:52:00.000-04:00

I am way behind the 8-ball today, but I did want wish everyone a peaceful Baby Loss Mother's Day. Wishing a peaceful May 8th to all, as well.

March for Babies

2011-05-01T00:47:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago someone asked me why we walked. I always thought that the answer was obvious, but I guess I was mistaken. Her theory was that the March for Babies was done primarily by those who were celebrating the successful growth and health of NICU babies...not by those whose babies never even made it to the NICU. An interesting perspective, I suppose. I told her that I walk primarily to honor the memory of my daughter, and to raise money for the M.O.D. with the hope that it will spare other families from experiencing the pain of losing a child. She seemed to understand a little better after that, but I'm not sure that she understood as much as I wanted her to. So why do I walk...and why will I continue to walk? I walk to celebrate the life of my healthy Bean, to honor the many NICU babies who beat the odds and have gone on to lead healthy lives, and to remember my Gracie and all of the other babies who could not stay. I raise money with the hope that the dollars we donate each year might one day make a difference in the lives of other families...
I guess once you finish the 'year of firsts' you are no longer a rookie and it all just become part of life. Today (4/30) was our local March for Babies. It was second year walking, and this year we served as Ambassador Family for our area. Ultimately, many things fell through this year, and many of the 'public' events that we were told would be arranged for us never came to fruition. We had hoped to use the promised newspaper interview and radio interview to bring the spotlight over to the stillbirth side of things, at least for a moment, but I guess it was just not meant to be. After it was all said and done today, we got suckered into being on the local committee for next year's walk, so perhaps we will be able to help with coordination of some of these things.

Initially, my husband wanted to set our team fundraising goal at $10,000. I knew that there was no way we could raise that amount of money, and we agreed on $5000. A week ago, it really looked like we wouldn't get much further than $3500 or $4000. Last night, it looked like we would hang right around $4000. By the time we started our walk this morning at 10:00, we were at $5015. By the time we finished the walk about an hour later, more online donations had come in and we were at $5200. The credit for about half of the last $1000 goes to my BIL, who really turned it up while he was working his midnight patrol shift last night. I was impressed by his efforts for us. I think that he sees things through much different eyes since his wife's death in September; suddenly he gets how important the support of family is. One of our walkers was missing today, as her husband has been quite ill; aside from this, we had a great morning once the sun came out.

I would like to thank the following fellow BLMs for their contributions to Team Graci.ebelle... Debbie, Dawn, Maggie, Jess, Lareina, Lori, Marjorie, Holly, Tina, Malory, Andrea, Katy, Jen, Michelle, Mary, and Katie.

Here are some pics from today.

Our Ambassador Family poster

The back of our shirts

Gracie.belle wings on the back of Jenna's onesie

The front of Jenna's onesie - it says "My big sister lives in Heaven. Team Grac.iebelle 2011"

Small Miracles Blog Hop #3

2011-04-21T13:04:00.000-04:00

In her Small Miracles post this month, Franchesca said "the world is a better place because they were here." She is right. Most people will never understand or realize it, but the world is certainly better because of our babies.

A year ago, our March for Babies family team raised just over $1500. So far this year, we have raised $2500. We still have just a week to raise funds for this year's walk, but even if we don't raise another penny this year, we have raised $4000 for the March of Dimes. We do this in memory of our daughter. If she had not been here, we would never have raised any money...and we would have never seen some of the most amazing generosity from the most unexpected of people.

My friend, Debbie, and I will be donating memory boxes to a local hospital. We do it not for the hospital, but for the families that are going home, more or less, completely empty-handed. Jeff and I have also donated to the memory boxes that our hospital distributes to families.

When we started attending a perinatal and infant support group 18 months ago, I don't think we ever anticipated that we would still be attending at this point in our grieving process. But we are still there. (The running joke within our group is that we are support group junkies.) Not only does going to the group meetings continue to help us, but we are now able to help those who are just beginning their journey. We are able to show them some of the hope that waits for them further down the road.

All small things in the scope of the world, but small things that matter and make a difference...

A Fellow BLM's Story

2011-04-17T21:40:00.001-04:00

If you haven't 'met' fellow BLM, Mandy, I urge you to visit her blog and read her family's story at From Under the Weeping Willow. Just over a month ago she lost her full-term son to Potter's Syndrome; what makes her situation so tragically unique is that this is the second child that she has lost to Potter's Syndrome. I have been following her blog for about two months now, and I find her spirit to be amazingly inspiring. If you have a moment, head over and send her some love.

March for Babies

2011-04-14T09:00:00.004-04:00

For those who are new to my blog, or those who just haven't been doing much reading lately, I wanted to provide a quick snippet of information. My husband and I were asked to be the ambassador family for our local March for Babies. Our goal is to raise $5000 by April 30. If you have/are not supporting another March for Babies team this year, please consider making a donation toward our team's goal. No donation is too small; even $5 can make a difference. Every penny donated is one step toward preventing another family from experiencing what we have all lived through. If you have never walked in the March for Babies, I encourage you to find a walk close to you and participate!

Donate to Team Graci.e.belle

Wordless Wednesday (This day would never get old...)

2011-04-13T09:00:00.000-04:00

Overwhelming and Numbing

2011-04-12T21:56:00.002-04:00

This grief overwhelms me; it burns in my stomach, and I can't stop bumping into things.... This loss is numbing me; it pierces my chest, and I can't stop dropping everything.
~Alanis Morissette

As I look back at my posts from the last few months, I can almost see and feel my pain jumping off of the computer screen and smacking me in the face. Some days I feel like I'm walking backwards through my grief. I desperately want it to stop. I want that constant feeling in the bottom of my heart and the pit of my stomach be gone. I want to be able to stop mourning the loss of what I thought my life was going to be...to stop mourning what should have been with my first born...to stop mourning what will never be. I want the griefless days to outnumber the days filled with grief. I want to talk about people to stop telling me how strong I am and/or that they could never live through such a thing. I want people to understand that we had two choices...to live through our loss or roll over and die because of our loss...and I want them to understand that strength has nothing to do with the decision. I never asked to be, or planned to be, a BLM. I don't want a dead baby and I certainly don't want to belong to this club anymore. I just don't. Too bad it isn't that simple.

Despite feeling like I've been walking backwards over the last few months, the last few days have been pretty good. Two of the last 5 days I have felt like Super Woman; I've been productive at work and home...almost feeling like 'myself'. Fingers crossed that it sticks around for at least a few weeks!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-04-06T09:01:00.000-04:00

Small Miracles Blog Hop #2

2011-03-23T10:11:00.001-04:00

If you haven't checked out Franchesca's new small miracles blog hop, head over to Small Bird Studios and check it out.

On March 12th I attended a memorial service for one of my students...a young man, almost 21 years old, with multiple disabilities, who passed away due to complications of pneumonia. The certified lay minister that conducted the service also did our Gracie's service 19 months ago. As I sat in the very back pew of the very tiny country church, I kept thinking about something that Becky said to us when we met with her before Gracie's service; something along the lines of... 'There's a funeral section in my book. There are some stunning and thought provoking passages on those pages, some that I have used multiple times already, and some that I will probably never use. But I always assumed, until you called, that I would never have a need for the children's service.' She never expected to do a child's service, yet here she was doing it for a second time in less than two years.

As she conducted the service last weekend, I heard those words over and over again in my head. Thankfully, I was jerked back to reality as she read a prepared statement of appreciation from the young man's mother. Appreciation to all who had been part of her son's almost 21 years. But it was the number of times that she thanked the teachers, classroom aides and itinerant staff (PT, OT, speech, vision support, etc) that really caught my attention.

My mind continued to travel for the remainder of the service. I thought intensely about what it is I do every day. I thought about the fact that time and time again I have worked myself to the point of sheer exhaustion over the last 15 months, most of the time finishing my days disgruntled, frustrated and resentful. Disgruntled and frustrated by (and usually resentful of) the people the parents that are completely unappreciative of what we do for their kids...the parents that have no appreciation for the fact that two physical therapists juggle 90-100 kiddos over the course of the academic year. Frustrated by the parents who are not home week after week when I show up for scheduled visits, even after I call to confirm. Frustrated by the parents who use their special needs child(ren) to gain social status or keep the spotlight on themselves...parents who seem to find every reason to limit the introduction of things that will help their children improve. Frustrated by the parents who find every possible reason to not stretch their kids for 5-10 minutes a few days a week, yet expect me to spend 30-60 minutes stretching them once a week. Frustrated by how ridiculously difficult the PA Medical Assistance program make it to get approval for equipment necessary to maximize the untapped potential in these kids. Frustrated by the classroom and personal care aides that are there simply for a paycheck and do the bare minimum with these kids every day. Frustrated by the parents to instill no discipline at all in their kids simply because they are not 'typically' developing (but able to recognize the difference between right and wrong). Frustrated by the adults that come into my office and expect me to make them better without any effort on their part...they just want to lay there while I wave my magic wand. Frustrated by the adults who come into my office completely dependent on pain medication and oozing with gloom and doom; they come in with the mentality that they will never get any better or that in order to get better I have to cause them excruciating pain. (Guess what?!? Most of those people don't get better, regardless of the tactics that I employ.) Hateful toward the parents of a teenage girl that I evaluated this week in my office; when I lifted her shirt to visually examine her back, I was greeted by multiple large, well healed scars across her back that were quite obviously the result of being severely beaten with some sort of strap.

Then I think about my small miracles...the things that make my job worthwhile. The parents who do express appreciation for what we do for their kids, despite the fact that the system is not perfect. The victories over Medical Assistance that allow us to eventually get some awesome equipment for our kids. The little girl with Down Syndrome who rubbed my pregnant belly and said "baby" with a huge smile....and the one that hugs me goodbye and says "I lub you Dudan". The 5 year old who works on jumping for a year or two and then suddenly gets it...everything just clicks and she becomes a jumping fool. The 18 year old girl with terribly misshapen feet and multiple other physical disabilities who 'walked' across the room for the first time year when we finally found the right gait trainer for her (and the right motivator - it turned out to be a man!). The 18 year old young man with Cerebral Palsy (and very little cognitive deficit) that discovered (with help from myself and his aide) that he could independently use the city bus to get to the local college campus and navigate the campus with the help of a college-provided aide...and convinced his parents to let apply for enrollment. The 4 year old with terribly limited motor skills that is finally able to roll over by himself, and the enormous smile that comes with it. The 50 year old lady with a new knee replacement who has become terribly frustrated with what she interprets to be a plateau in her progress, then suddenly breaks through that plateau and takes off again and can't stop smiling because she's so happy with the new progress. The 78 year old lady who came for therapy because she was weak and falling several times a week; she has been done with therapy for 2 years now, but still comes for exercise 2x a week so she 'won't get old again.' She hasn't fallen in over 2 years, says that she is stronger now than she has been in 30 years and feels safe to live alone. And, of course, the miracle of my own little rainbow, Jenna, who melts my heart each morning when she smiles up at me from her crib.

Please Pray

2011-03-09T18:23:00.000-05:00

I cannot begin to imagine what this family is feeling after losing 7 of their 8 children in a fire overnight...please include them in your prayers.

In Retrospect...

2011-03-07T11:34:00.000-05:00

I am starting to wonder if we made the right decision in agreeing to be the local Ambassador Family for this year's March for Babies. In the early days following Gracie's death, my husband and I agreed, that while we certainly needed to grieve, we ultimately needed to find a way (or multiple ways) for Gracie to live on. We needed to be able to find the positives that could come from our loss.

Being an Ambassador Family is certainly one of those positive spins. It is allowing us to bring the spotlight to stillbirth; the fact that we are doing so in a forum that primarily focuses public attention on ill, but living, babies is just an added 'bonus'. But it also intensifies the normal, every day thoughts and feelings. The March of Dimes created posters to be distributed locally...

While I don't necessarily care for the design/layout of the poster, we are working on distributing them all over. We are going for high visibility. Of course, I have one hanging in my office where all of my patients can see it. I also see it...all day. I see it every time I bring a patient back from the waiting room. I see Gracie's picture every day at home, but this is different. So very different. It's almost like pulling the scab off a cut every day.

I know that my husband shares in the philosophy that we need to find/do good in our loss, but I think this Ambassador Family experience has been even more challenging for him. He just really seems to be stuck in a dark, rotten place these days. He loves Jenna with every fiber of his being, but with those same fibers, he misses Gracie so much that I think sometimes it physically hurts him. Of course, he also sees the poster every day; hopefully it will be a little better for him once the March for Babies is over this year. Until then, I wonder, just a little bit, if we perhaps bit off more than we can emotionally chew for now.

If you would like to make a donation toward our March of Dimes fund raising initiative, you can do so by clicking on the banner at the top of the page. If you are not part of a team walking in the March for Babies and would like to help us with our fund raising, feel free to grab my button (top left) for your blog.

Feeling Helpless

2011-02-26T13:09:00.001-05:00

The hubby has landed in a random baby loss 'funk'. I think he's been there most of the week, and it's making him miserable. Eventually these days pass, but it's impossible to know what to do to help him in the meantime, and it makes me feel so helpless. I hate to see him so sad and out of sorts. Sigh.

Hope

2011-02-20T22:01:00.003-05:00

Franchesca @ Small Bird Studio has started a blog hop...if you haven't checked it out, go over and do so!!

Fran has put this question out there for each of us to answer...What small {or big!} miracles have brought you hope lately? I hope you'll share a piece of your journey by joining the blog hop :) My post contains possible emotional triggers...read with caution toward the end.

I have written several posts over the last 17 months about signs and things that have brought me hope during this journey. There are times that these little bits of hope seem to creep up on a daily basis, or sometimes several times a day; there are times that is seems weeks will pass without a glimmer of hope to be found. Sometimes all the hope I need can be found in the little things...a random butterfly or dragonfly, seeing the name Grace or Gracie somewhere unexpectedly, the stars.

Sometimes my hope is found in many larger forms...the unconditional love and support from my husband, a text from my receptionist that says 'Happy Mother's Day', bright sunlight shining through the tiniest opening in the densest of cloud cover.

I find hope in reading the stories of and/or talking to other women who have survived this incredible journey. Knowing that it survivable, no matter how painful it is sometimes, makes all the difference. I often wonder where I would be, or what my frame of mind would be, if I wasn't part of the BLM blogosphere. Sometimes being able to say to myself "...if I can survive losing a child, I can absolutely survive (fill in the blank)...", and it just would not be this way if I wasn't here. I don't know if I can call it hope, but there is certainly comfort in being able to come here and purge whatever thoughts and feelings need to be purged in order to get on with my day. On the other side of the coin, there is hope in knowing that there are others who read my blog and find comfort, hope, support...whatever it is that they need to take away from reading others' blogs.

For me, there is also much hope in being able to find the positives in our loss. We attend a support group where we have made friends. I am trying to get a Face2Face group up and running where we live. I am working with another BLM on a memory box project for a hospital that does not currently do memory boxes. (It actually pisses me off that they don't do boxes, but I keep reminding myself that we aren't doing it for the hospital...we are doing it for the families who will, in coming months, find themselves standing in that terrible place that we stood in on August 1, 2009.) I have been able to contribute something small to the memory boxes that our hospital gives to loss families. My husband and I started a March for Babies team last year; we were able to raise just over $1500 for last year's walk. We were asked to be the local Ambassador family for this year's walk; our team goal this year is two-fold: to raise at least $5000 for the March of Dimes and to raise stillbirth awareness. (Click here if you would like to donate!!)

After listing all of these pieces of hope, I would be remiss if I didn't mention my biggest source of hope...our rainbow baby Jenna, who was born in September. We are fortunate to not have experienced fertility issues thus far in our journey to start our family; this, in and of itself, brings so much hope for us. Then, after 39 weeks of waiting for the other shoe to fall, we were blessed with a healthy, beautiful baby girl. While she doesn't erase the pain of Gracie's absence, she certainly provides us with so much hope for the future. She is the light of our lives, and most days that light is a fantastic counterbalance to the dark that persisted for many months...

Stars

2011-02-20T17:09:00.000-05:00

Stars, in your multitudes
Scarce to be counted
Filling the darkness
With order and light
You are the sentinels
Silent and sure
Keeping watch in the night
Keeping watch in the night

You know your place in the sky
You hold your course and your aim
And each in your season
Returns and returns
And is always the same

Although originally written to fit a much different context, these lyrics from a popular Broadway musical run through my head every night as I think of my beautiful little Gracie. I am lucky enough to live in an area with relatively little light pollution, so as long as the sky isn't clouded over, it's stars aplenty. But even on cloudy nights, and the nights that my DH takes the dogs outside, there are still plenty of thought provoking stars to see.

The ceiling in Jenna's room is covered with hundreds of glow in the dark star stickers. Long story, but it has been this way for about 15 years. When I turn the light off and sit down to do our bed time snuggle each night, these stars 'shine' so brightly, having been charged by the light. By the time Jenna is asleep in her crib, most of the bedroom stars have dimmed considerably or 'burned out' all together...almost as if Gracie is showing me that she is also asleep for the night.

There are so many different things that remind us of our angels...stars have always been at the top of my list, and moved more further toward the top of the list after a wonderful friend had a star named for Gracie. Even though the bedroom stars aren't 'real', it's nice to think that she is here with us each night at bedtime, and that she is, perhaps, really watching over her baby sister...

25 Days of Giveaways Prize

2011-02-06T16:33:00.001-05:00

I was lucky enough to win two giveaways during this year's 25 Days of Giveaways. After that, I quit entering! I received the second prize this week, and I absolutely LOVE it! When Tina contacted me to see what I wanted, I told her that I don't wear a lot of jewelry, and that she should just use her best judgment. I think that frightened her a little bit! :-)

But she did a fabulous job of selecting a beautiful prize for me. Thank you so, so much, Tina!!

Still Life 365

2011-02-01T00:09:00.001-05:00

I almost forgot...it's a good thing it popped up on my Google Reader! For those who do not regularly follow, or have never been over to Still Life 365, go check it out today. Today's 'art' is mine!! It's kind of ironic that Angie posted my photo today...since Gracie was born 18 months ago today...

I Carry Your Heart With Me

2011-02-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- e. e. cummings ~

Perhaps I'm in a bit of a slump. I don't know. I think about Gracie all the time, but the last few days I've been thinking about Gracie ALL the time. And then I think about my thoughts.

I think about where I really am in the 5 step grieving process that we all know so well...

Denial and Isolation

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

Or perhaps the more comprehensive and thorough seven stages of grief.....the five stages outlined above plus Pain/Guilt and Testing/Reconstruction...

Pain and Guilt
At this stage, the grieving person realizes that the loss that has happened is true. This is the most chaotic and scary stage of grief. Many people succumb to alcohol and drugs at this stage of grief. Intense feelings of guilt and compunction are experienced due to the wrong things done which led to this irreversible loss. Sometimes, in grief, people blame themselves and consider themselves responsible for the loss.
Testing and Reconstruction
This is the testing stage in which the depressed person starts to indulge in other activities so as to escape the disturbing sorrow. In fact this is the beginning of the next and last stage, i.e. acceptance of and coming to terms with the reality. It is also a stage of reconstruction as in this stage, he starts the process reconstruction of his life by searching for solutions and ways to come out of his grief.

I read the definition of all of these, and can't find where my thoughts fit. I guess if I had to assign myself to a stage, it would be acceptance. I have accepted Gracie's death for what it is. Death. Permanence. So the wondering that goes on constantly in my mind...the wondering about all of the things we missed with Gracie...wondering about what she would look like, what she would sound like, what kind of personality she would have...is part of my grief/acceptance or is that part of my healing? Certainly, every parent who has lost a child, at any age and under any circumstances, has wondered these things. Certainly it is normal, but what is it? Grief or healing?

These thoughts have been playing at full volume in my mind over the last few days. I don't like full volume. I don't necessarily want them to go away; one of my greatest fears is forgetting, and the first step in forgetting is the clearing of thoughts, but a much lower volume would be much better. Regardless of the volume, I will always carry Gracie's heart with me. It will forever beat within mine.

With Sincere Thanks...

2011-01-29T22:52:00.001-05:00

... to Katie, Lea and Jen, I would like to show you a few of Gracie's new things.

Katie made Gracie a beautiful ornament for Christmas...

Lea was kind enough to make a pair of angel wings for Gracie, as well as do a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Ribbon with Gracie's name on.

Jen took a picture of Gracie's name under her Christmas tree - isn't it just the cutest!?!?!?

Thanks so much, girls!!! I love them!!!!

February FOLFOH Writing Challenge

2011-01-29T15:48:00.002-05:00

Each month, the girls over at FOLFOH will be posting a writing topic. If you want to participate, simply write a blog post on said topic, then link to it on their site. Another BLM grief site used to do this, and I looked forward to it. Sadly, they stopped doing it shortly after I came to this community.

February's FOLFOH writing topic is: Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. Write about something special a friend, family member, or other loved one did for you after your baby(ies) died that really touched your heart.

Sadly, I think most of the things that have been done for me/us have been done by other BLMs. I guess that came out wrong. I am always grateful for the things that other BLMs do to remember Gracie, but I wish sometimes that more people around is in our everyday lives would do more to remember her. In terms of things done for us by other baby loss parents, it's hard to narrow it down. I would have been simply lost in the early days without the support of my friend Debbie. That kind of support is invaluable. The other thing that will always stand out for me came from my friend Dawn, who had a star named after Gracie.

I think the thing that sticks out the most that was done for us by a non-BLM or BLD is an ornament that a friend made last year for Christmas. He did not know that we had decided that Christmas tree ornaments would be the thing we bought for Gracie each year. He just emailed me and said that he had made an ornament for her. He does a lot of work with powder horns and scrimshaw. He actually made this from a piece of broken horn that he couldn't use for anything else. It was, and is, a very special gift.

The Week of Speaking Before Thinking

2011-01-29T12:36:00.003-05:00

I missed 3 days of work this week because I was sick, which means that I spent a grand total of 15 hours interacting with people. Within that 15 hours....

On Monday one of my outatients asked me about Gracie. She said that she had wanted to ask for quite some time, but didn't really know how to ask. This woman is educated - she's a registered nurse (who should be retired, but still works home health and roving health fairs one day a week to pay for her horses). After hearing a little bit of Gracie's story and finding out that she likely had Down Syndrome, she looked as me and said "But you know, Honey, if she was Mongoloid and going to have all kinds of health problems, it really is probably better this way..." Blah, blah, blah. Seriously?

Fast forward to Friday. One of the students that I see at school had a substitute personal care nurse with her. I've met this women before, with another student, but apparently I haven't run into her since I was pregnant with Gracie. I come into contact with so many personal care nurses and therapeutic support staff personnel as I move from school to school that I have a hard time keeping track of things like this. I knew it had been a while since I had run into her, but I didn't realize how long it had been. In the big picture, it's really a small pool of people working within a small pool of students, and they move from case to case quite frequently. (I could poll 20 nurses or personal care aides, and at least half of them would have a list of 3 or 4 other kids from my caseload that they have worked with over the last year or two.) Anyway...this woman yesterday asked how my 'little one' was. I gave the standard answer "Oh, she's great. She's growing like a weed, which is what we want!" She asked how old she was now and I said "just about 4 1/2 months." She gave me the most bizarre look and then her eyes lit up and she said "Oh! You have a second already! Oh, my!!" And before I could get a word in, she asked about my "first." She asked it was a boy or girl, and how old now, etc. God love the third grader I was working with...she didn't miss a beat. She said "Oh, Miss Nancy, Miss Susan's first baby died." Even kids with 'special needs' don't miss a thing. The nurse said something to the effect of "Oh, Honey, Miss Susan's baby didn't die", to which I responded, "Actually, she did." Enter the seemingly eternal blank stare. I filled her in as much as I could in front of a third grader, and she gave me the same response that I got from the patient in my office. Seriously??? WTF???

I don't get this much anymore, so it seems a bit odd that I got it twice this week, especially since I only worked two days. But seriously, it's been a year and a half. I know that these comments are just misguided, and that they are really meant to be supportive, but still... I am happy to say that it doesn't have the scarring impact that it did a year ago, but it does sting a little bit sometimes to have someone tell you that your kid is better off dead. Yes. I am sure that we would have faced some difficult situations later in life, logistically speaking, that we don't face now. Yes, there probably would have been a few health concerns. But that's part of life. Down Syndrome or not, I would have loved Gracie fiercely every single day for the rest of my life. Nothing can/could change the fact that she is my daughter. Nothing. As it is, I will still love her every day for the rest of my life, just not how I was expecting. I guess this is just hard for people to understand...as much as I hate to admit it, it's nearly impossible for anyone to accurately 'imagine' being in our shoes. The only way to really understand is to be here. As much as I would love people to understand, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Ever.

It is what it is, but I am just amazed by how naive people around us really are. Still.

Remnants

2011-01-27T00:16:00.003-05:00

I have been sick for the last two days. As I sat on the couch today trying to muster the gumption to get some tea, something dawned on me. Today I can say that I was pregnant with my first child 18 months ago. In one week I will not be able to say that. Monday will mark 18 months since Gracie died, and the wee hours of Tuesday will mark 18 months since her very silent birth directly into Heaven. In some aspects, it seems just like yesterday, and in other aspects it seems like a lifetime ago. I looked at her pictures on the computer for about 20 minutes after DH went to work this afternoon. To be honest, I don't think he even realizes that we are approaching another milestone, and I'm not sure that I really want to remind him.

It just seems impossible that it's been 18 months already. I was reading a post by Acacia's mom earlier, and I can definitely relate to something that she wrote. As much as I didn't want it to, I knew this day would come eventually, and it saddens me beyond words. It makes me feel even worse to admit publicly that the details of Gracie's face are starting to escape my mind. The generalities are still there, but the details are fading. It seems impossible, since I look at her pictures frequently, but I now have to actually look at her pictures to recall the details.

I look ahead another 5 or 10 or 20 years and wonder if I will remember. I wonder how much will have faded. I wonder how often I will look at her pictures. God forbid, but I wonder if there will ever come a time that her birthday slips past us. I wonder what she will look like when we are reunited...and I wonder if we will recognize each other then.

~~ possible triggers below ~~

For the last few months, I have walked around every day with blog posts in my brain. Occasionally I am able to start a post and come back and add to it over a period of days, but for the most part I usually don't have the time needed to sit down and get my thoughts into the computer. As a result, I continue to walk around with random thoughts and feelings floating around in my brain...this post is an attempt to purge some of them and make space for some new thoughts in there! Some of it will seem really random, and some of it not so random...I am just using this as a medium to get it out.

My sister is currently assigned, via the Peace Corps, to a teaching assignment in Namibia, Africa. She left for this assignment 2 weeks after Gracie's funeral, and will be in Namibia until some time between October and December 2011. After much debate, she decided to some back to the states for a 3.5 week visit that covered the last half of December and the first week of January. To say the least, her visit did not go well, for many reasons. While I tried to have no expectations for her time here, I was so excited for her to meet Jenna...but about an hour after she met her, an unexpected phrase crossed her lips. "I'm just not that into babies." Talk about a knife to the heart. Prior to her departure, there was unpleasant communication between us about this, and other things that happened during her visit. On the surface, things were okay when she left, but I am not sure that they are really okay. I am worried about what things will be like when she comes home at the end of the year; I wonder what kind of interest she will have in my kids in the coming years; I wonder, in general, how different she will be once she gets back to the states and settles back in. I am still somewhat disappointed about how things unfolded, and honestly, I am still a little mad about some of the things that happened. Some of these feelings are deeper rooted and go beyond this visit, but I really don't think that she understood that when I threw it out there. I don't know...I am feeling quite anxious and unsettled by the whole thin. I hope the things that were amiss are better by the time she returns.

I seem to be quite frustrated by having to wear my big girl panties lately. Over the last couple of months, I have had to fight, with all I have, the urge to unleash on a few specific people that I know in real life. It's an incredible urge to blatantly and bluntly tell them what/how I really feel about them. Holding my tongue and speaking in a socially acceptable manner is really starting to get under my skin. At the risk of sounding judgmental, these people are all self-centered idiots (of varying degrees, of course), and everyone knows that except them. I have no interest in being around or working with these people, but it's unavoidable. *sigh* I suppose that in good time, their eyes will be opened somehow. Until then, the big girl panties it is.

Completely jumping topics... Over the last several months I have been unable to shake an unhealthy obsession with/fear of death. I am petrified of those close and important to me just disappearing. Some days I want to suggest that DH and I ride in separate cars...just in case. I am petrified that he won't come home from work one night (He's a cop. Nothing ever happens here, but the thought is always there.) I was petrified that my sister's plane would crash into the Atlantic during her trip home over the holidays. I'm afraid of waking up to find one of my dogs or cats dead. And of course, I am convinced that I will go in to get Jenna up some morning and she won't be breathing. I am certain that this is the largest root of this whole psychological mess, and that eventually, the volume of this fear will start to fade a little bit. In the meantime, it's kind of making me a little nuts. :-P

Jenna's birth has forced me to plunge back into 'communication' with my mother, since DH says that she will not be intentionally kept from her grandchildren. My parents divorced when I was 14 or 15 and I moved in with my dad when I was 16. Prior to that, my relationship with my mother had been in the crapper for several years. Most people assume that it's because I was a snot-nosed kid who couldn't get over something. Definitely not the case, but only a few people closest to me have ever seen my mother's true colors to understand the whole story. Some people, including my husband, never saw it until several years after he met her. The fact that my mother and step-father did not show up for our wedding 2.5 years ago, more or less as part of some passive-aggressive tactic, opened the eyes of many non-believers.

Fast forward to my pregnancy with Gracie. No communication at all between me and mother for the duration of my pregnancy. The only thing we heard from their camp is that they stood in a local restaurant and told the girls working there that our decision to have a baby was some huge, life altering mistake. Other than that, all was quiet. And honestly, I was okay with that. I am faaarrrr less stressed with things are quiet. Several days before Gracie died, my stepfather started calling Jeff to tell him that my mom's birthday was at the end of the week and I should call her to wish her a happy birthday. As luck would have it, Gracie died on my mother's 60th birthday. Jeff called my stepfather to tell him that I would not be calling, and why. And then they proceeded to call us 4 times in the 11.5 hours that I was in labor. Phone calls were NOT what we wanted...from anyone. We debated whether or not they would be included in the funeral, and ultimately, we decided that my mother had the right to mourn her granddaughter. There were several points during the service when all was quiet...and all you could hear was my mother sobbing. I have lots to say about this, but I will leave it at that. After that, very little communication from their camp until about half way through our pregnancy with Jenna, when my stepfather cornered my MIL outside the grocery store one day. Again, when Jenna was born, Jeff decided that my mother would not be cut off from grandchildren. And that's all it has taken to open the door. Once the door is cracked, my mom tends to come through on a bulldozer.

She was very over the top in the first few weeks after Jenna was born, and then they suddenly disappeared again. Good and bad. Bad because she is sitting around waiting for us to call and invite them over to see Jenna. (We have a standing rule with everybody - if you want to come see her, call. If we're home and up for visitors, you are welcome to stop by. We no longer issue gold-plated and engraved invitations for people to come visit.) Then she friended me on FB. I didn't do anything with it, and after about a week I checked to see if she had friended anyone else. It's been a few months, and she hasn't friended anyone else, so I know that it's another cyberstalking tactic, which I just can't handle. I know absolutely, without any doubt, that if I friended her on FB so she could see more pics of Jenna, that she would go through my profile and friend list with a fine tooth comb...and eventually end up here. In Gracie's blog. Which is exactly where I don't want her. Ugh. The whole thing is uber-stressful, and I don't need that kind of stress. Unfortunately, I don't think it's going to get any better.

And last, but not least, there is the age old question that has been spinning in the front of my brain again. Why do I come to this place...the baby loss blogosphere? Why do I come here? What does it mean? I suppose, on a basic level, the appropriate answer is that I come here to expel my grief. Sometimes I wonder if coming here keeps me here. I wonder if not coming here for a while helps to lift me up? Am I down because I come here or do I come here because I am down? I think, for the most part, I come here now because I am down. The days that I come here and write are the days that I am really missing my little peanut. They are the days that I am overflowing with thoughts that I can't really purge anywhere else, because they are thoughts that not many people will understand. I can come here, and offload whatever demons I'm carrying with me, and usually feel a little better after I do. For the most part. In recent months I have begun to hold back a bit, even is this forum, simply because I have had trouble really purging my feelings without offending someone in the process...even here. Who knows how long I will continue to come here to purge. And in all truth, who knows how long I will come here to memorialize my first born child. I guess that only time will tell...

So there is all of the crap that has been spinning in my head for the last few weeks... It certainly makes me seem like a hot mess, huh? In all reality, it's not too bad as long as the thoughts don't bang into each other as they spin. :-)

And the Winner is...

2011-01-22T07:46:00.000-05:00

...comment #9, which belongs to Freja's Mom.. Please email me at sand0113 (at) gmail (dot) com so I can forward the gift certificate details to you!!

Last Day to Enter

2011-01-21T08:54:00.000-05:00

Today is the last day to enter for a chance to win a $25 gift card to Small Bird Studios. I will pick the winner tonight using Random.org.

PLEASE GO TO THE ORIGINAL POST AND LEAVE A COMMENT TO ENTER. For simplicity's sake, I would appreciate that you not leave entry comments here on this post!

Wishing you all a peaceful, safe, warm and snowless weekend!

Face2Face Groups

2011-01-17T18:12:00.000-05:00

This may be old news to some of you, but perhaps new news for others of you.

The girls over at Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope are organizing face to face groups for baby loss mothers across the country. Check out the Face2Face page for more information about groups in your area or for information about how to become a group leader...

100 Followers - This Calls for a Giveaway!!

2011-01-17T13:37:00.001-05:00

So when I logged into my blogger account this morning, the number 100 jumped off the page at me. I know that there are lots of high profile baby loss blogs out there, and most of them have several hundred followers...but for me 100 is a big deal. I certainly never expected to have 100 people following Gracie's story when I started this blog. It sort of saddens me that there are 100 people out that follow Gracie's story because they can relate...

Anyway, I think to celebrate that 100 people publicly love my little Gracie, I will have a giveaway!! Just a little one, but a giveaway, nonetheless. (Thanks to JenJen for the 100 follower giveaway idea!) The winner will receive $20 in credit to Small Bird Studio. You can use it toward whatever you wish...a blog makeover, a signature, a blog button, perhaps something from Franchesca's Flourish shop...

To enter, leave a comment below and tell me what you think has been the most helpful or beneficial about belonging to (or just reading in) the baby loss blogosphere. I encourage my blogless followers (you know who you are!) to enter, too...you don't have to have a blog to use the credit at Small Bird Studios... I will leave things open until Friday and announce the winner Friday night or Saturday.

Also, if you haven't checked out my new blog, take a quick trip over to check it out. It will be my place for crazy rantings about motherhood and whatever else I might need to rant about. I also hope to be able to post various information about cloth diapering, nursing, baby products, recipes, etc. Who knows where it might lead....

The Shape of You

2011-01-16T23:45:00.001-05:00

I have been waiting for this song to pop up on Playlist.com so I can add it to Gracie's music, but no luck. I thought I would share it here for those who have not stumbled across it yet. (You'll have to scroll down and stop the music player before playing the video.)

Prayer Request

2011-01-09T22:49:00.000-05:00

Many of us here in this community believe strongly in the power of prayer. In the last couple of months I have ventured into the world of cloth diapering blogs, and lots of lots of prayer is needed for one of the moms there.

Her 3 y/o was recently diagnosed with stage IV cancer. More about their story can be found here and here. We all know how much life on this side sucks. Please pray that there will be effective treatments available for little Emily and that her family does not come to know the pain that we know all too well.

I'm Getting a Package This Week...

2011-01-09T21:19:00.000-05:00

...with a new Midnight Orange sculpture!!! I am so excited to get it!!! I cannot wait!!! This was my Christmas present to myself this year. I just got email notification that it is on its way, and a link to a few pics.

Christmas 2010

2011-01-09T13:59:00.001-05:00

It's the most wonderful time of the year
With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you "Be of good cheer"
It's the most wonderful time of the year
It's the hap-happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call
It's the hap- happiest season of all

Yep. It absolutely used to be. And I think that, one day, it will be again. Thankfully, it is not something that I dread, but right now, it's definitely something that falls flat. It's just something that falls a little short of wonderful. It's one thing to accept that, as you become an adult, the 'awe' of the season becomes a little less magical; it's another to accept that any 'awe' that is left once you become an adult will never be the same because your first born will never physically be there as part of your holiday.

I am growing to accept (but I am not quite there yet!) that most people think they are saying something good when they directly or indirectly reference Gracie. I make a concerted effort to accept this only because I know that I would still be one of those clueless people unless Gracie had not died. Had I not been given these shoes to walk in, I would totally not know the right and wrong things to say.

The gist of all of this year's well-intended statements: 'Oh, your Christmas will be so much better this year since you have that beautiful baby.'

How to you respond to people to make that kind of statement? For quite a while I have been in a position of not wanting to make people feel bad about not saying the right thing unless, of course, their statement appears to be intentionally malicious. So you just nod and smile and move on. You just let it roll of as much as you can. But deep down inside you know that even in 50 years, although the holidays (all of them, not just Christmas) are better than they were in late 2009 and early 2010, they will never be the way they should be. They will never be quite right. Why? Because nothing in life is the same after your child dies.

Death has a funny way of changing everything for the living. Certainly, BLMs are not the only people to carry loss in their hearts during holidays and special occasions. So many people out there carry loss with them; the losses of spouses, fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, friends. Others carry the loss of their children with them; these are the people to whom our group can most closely relate. The difference between our group and the other parents is that most of them have celebrated holidays with their children; they were able to make holiday memories that they can hold onto and cherish until they are with those children again. Some people make the argument that having a child, making memories and then losing the child is worse than losing the child before any memories can be made. I suppose the argument can be made for each perspective, but sadly, neither is right and neither is wrong. My point is this...in the big picture of the world, so many people quietly muddle through holidays with loss nagging at them. Quietly because the world expects the sharp and profound pain of the loss to just go away after a period of time.

The pain of losing Gracie will never go away, especially since I never had the chance to make any memories with her. That leaves two options: bitterness that drags down everyone else around me and takes away from the memories that I can create with my living children OR finding a way to channel that pain into something that I can look forward to. I have chosen to channel that energy into a few things that I (hopefully, we, as a family) can look forward to.

Although I really didn't feel like doing so last year, we did send out Christmas cards. We included Gracie by creating a label to put inside in lieu of signing the cards; in the background of the label was a set of angel wings. This year, we did a photo card. We included Gracie's footprint butterfly that Malory made. Including Gracie in our Christmas card is something that we will do each year. Forever.

Last year's label

This year's card

Last year we decided that we would buy Gracie one or two tree ornaments each year. Last year's ornaments can be seen here. We got a few more this year. (If we keep this pace up, it's going to be hard to find new ornaments in a few years!)

I bought these for each of the girls this year.

From the Midnight Orange

My dad painted a ceramic ornament for each of the girls this year.

From one of Jeff's good friends

Another tradition that we have started on Christmas Eve, and will likely continue for years to come, is a balloon release. I used to be diabolically opposed to balloon releases for environmental reasons. But now, quite selfishly, I look forward to the releases that we do. My hope is to find a different way to incorporate Gracie and her angel friends onto the balloons each time we do the release. This year we put angels on the balloons.

Last year we suggested to our family and close friends that, if they felt compelled to do so, they purchase something that we could donate to Doing Good in Her Name. After Christmas, we sent this stuff to Kristin and her husband to donate to the NICU/PICU at Connecticut Children's Medical Center. We wanted to do the same thing this year, but after talking, we realized that we wanted to keep our donation a little closer to home. So, again we invited family and friends to participate with us in gathering donations for the patients and families of the NICU and PICU at Geisinger Medical Center. Last week we delivered a large box and two large bags full of donated items!! Although we don't expect that family and friends will continue to do this with us, I anticipate that this is something that we will do each year.

Last year Jeff got me a crystal angel bell from Gracie. I dropped it and broke it Christmas night. We fixed it and I broke it again. And then one more time. I am sure that I don't have to say how crushed I was. Eventually, we decided to get rid of it, as it just wasn't salvageable. He replaced it this year and put it up on Gracie's shelf as soon as I opened it. I just have to make a permanent spot for it now.

I hope that you all had relatively peaceful holiday celebrations surrounded by loving family and friends, and that you were able to remember your angel in some way as part of your celebrations. Wishing you all an upbeat and pleasant week. Much love to you all.

Visit Jen!!

2011-01-03T12:03:00.003-05:00

My friend, Jen, is planning a giveaway when Lily's blog reaches 100 followers. She is reeeealy close to 100. If you don't know Jen, or have never visited Lily's blog, take a minute to go over to read Lily's story and say hello.

Welcoming 2011 and a New Decade

2010-12-30T23:55:00.006-05:00

I hope that you all had a peaceful and merry Christmas! I will post about Christmas as soon as I get pictures moved over from the camera. For now, I want to reflect on the past year, the new year that is approaching, and the decade that we will be leaving behind. There are some possible triggers below, so read carefully.

I was more than happy to say goodbye to 2009, but I really have no opinion about saying goodbye to 2010. It was a busy year, but it was actually pretty quiet in terms of big events. Some of the ups and downs of our 2010 include....

We took advantage of the new year holiday, the full moon and the blue moon (and a little alcohol) to make a rainbow baby...it was the very first thing we did! :-P
My BIL and his wife adopted a 4 y/o and 6 y/o brother/sister duo that they had been fostering for about a year.
My DH turned 40.
We gave a loving home to a pooch rescued during a raid of a local Amish puppy mill. (Carley was a 'pet' on the farm, not in the puppy mill cages...but she came to us after suffering pretty substantial emotional trauma at some point before being rescued.)
We attended monthly baby loss support meetings and made some friends there. This has become a very important part of our coping and healing.
We participated in the March of Dimes March for Babies, and were later asked to be an ambassador family for the 2011 walk.
We observed most of our 'year of firsts' without Gracie and celebrated her first birthday in Heaven.
We welcomed our rainbow, Jenna, who is sleeping on my chest as I type this. :-) She rocked my world right from the get-go by arriving after a brief 2.5 hour labor the evening before induction was scheduled.
A former co-worker of mine became a BLM after her second child lost a 16 day fight with congenital diaphragmatic hernia, and a brother firefighter became a baby loss grandpa. :-(
DH's oldest nephew, with whom he is pretty close, graduated from high school and enlisted in the Navy. He has finished boot camp, and his first step of A-school (he is now a sworn Naval M.P.), and is currently training to be a K-9 handler.
We said goodbye to my BIL's wife, who is perhaps hanging out with Gracie and waiting for the rest of us.
My MIL had surgery to successfully remove colon cancer.
Jeff and I now own 3 burial plots that are part of the larger family plot...the one that Gracie is buried on, and one for each of us. 33 is much too young an age to own burial plots.
We organized a collection of baby items to donate to the local NICU/PICU as part of remembering Gracie during the Christmas season.
I completed about 16 months of life with my sister living on a different continent.

So there it is, 2010 in a nutshell. Some ups and some downs, but overall, it was better to us than 2009 was.

I certainly wonder what the coming year will bring for us. But more than that, I wonder what the new decade holds in store for us. As we move into the new decade, I can't help but reflect on the last 10 years...almost in awe. Ten years ago I was fresh out of college, and still living in a fairy tale land...completely naive about the curve balls that life could (and would) potentially throw my way. Since then I have survived more ups and downs than some people endure in a lifetime (but certainly less than some others...) In addition to the events of the last year, my last 10 years look a little like this (not necessarily in chronological order)...

My aunt succumbed to cancer and was the first of my father's 13 siblings to die.
I made my first independent car purchase (without input or financial help from my father). I bought a Durango that is a deep purple color, and was consequently dubbed the Pur.ple Peop.le Eater. I am still driving that car, and as it turns out, it's really the Purple Deer Eat.er. I have hit and killed 3 deer with it in the last 5 years, and the only damage sustained has been on tiiiiiny ding in the bumper. I suspect that, eventually, my luck will run out unless I get a big grill protector installed soon.
I became a homeowner, and subsequently a landlord. We no longer rent, but are instead working on changing the house from two apartments back into a single family dwelling. It has been the most slow-going process of my life, as each project reveals 5 other projects that must be completed in order for the original project to be completed properly...and each additional project costs money that we didn't plan to spend (and usually didn't/don't have to spend) when budgeting for the original project.
I forged a friendship with my first tenant...a friendship that would eventually take a most unexpected turn...a turn that would lead to a likely unbreakable bond understood only by BLMs. (Debbie lost her daughter, Sophie, on her due date not quite 3 years before we lost Gracie)
I visited Costa Rica after my sister finished a semester of college study there. It's a beautiful country, and I hope to return there some day to see the things that I missed the first time.
A long-time childhood friend left my life for unknown reasons. We have not spoken in about 9 years, and to this day I have no idea why. I miss her lots, but have decided that it's probably not worth the hurt that would come in trying to reestablish contact.
I fell into a pretty deep depression that, to this day, I have difficulty figuring out. Despite meds and counseling, it hung on for a couple of years, and ultimately almost cost me the love of my life. Luckily, when it was all said and done, it resulted in only being apart for about 6 months. Eventually I started to pull out of my downward spiral and we were able to fix things.
I became part of PA's statewide Urban Search and Rescue system, and spent a few hundred hours cross training as a Rescue Specialist, Technical Search Specialist and a Haz-Mat Specialist.
I quit my first P.T. job (with nothing else lined up) during a confrontation with my boss after months after months of documenting ethical and legal concerns about the practice for which I was working.
I opened a private physical therapy practice. Since physical therapy is a professional, and relatively specialized service, I honestly thought that I would never have to think about disciplinary action with my employees; since having that thought 6 years ago, I have had to fire two employees....by far, two of the most humbling experiences of my life. Overall, it has been a super-challenging, but rewarding experience. Sometimes I wonder if I am financially going to live to seen another day, but it's been 6 years now and the doors are still open and the lights are still on.
I worked my way up through line officer positions in the fire department, ultimately reaching Deputy Chief. I have 15.5 years (plus 1.5 years as a junior member) in as a member of the department, and I have been an officer for the last 11-12 years. 2011 will likely be my last year as an officer; I will likely return to the 'lowly' status of plain old firefighter in 2012. This makes me sad, but it's time. I'm tired, and I am ready to be a mom. I don't have the time necessary to dedicate to running a business, raising kids and being an active department leader...and of the three, the being an officer is what will have to give.
We said goodbye to a friend who suffered from severe bi-polar disorder for most of her life. She has been gone for 3 years, and we hope that she is free of the agony that filled her life.
We welcomed 2 new dogs and 4 new cats came into our lives, primarily as a result of losing 3 dogs and 3 cats along the way.
I was named as Pennsylvania's Rescue Technician of the Year in 2007.
Less than one year later, the friend/mentor who nominated me for that award succumbed to a sudden aortic dissection caused by Marfan's Syndrome and died at the age of 44. Coincidentally, his widow is one of our midwives.
I married the love of my life after 14 years (minus the above noted 'break') together. After finally tying the knot, we took an amazing honeymoon cruise along the coast of Alaska. I cannot wait to return to Alaska - to hopefully celebrate our 5th anniversary. While there, I hope to visit my friend Dawn.
I carried my first born child in my belly through 36 weeks of pregnancy, and she was born directly into heaven on August 1st, 2009. She was buried next to her great grandmother on August 5th.
My relationship with my mother and step-father continues to be estranged, although honestly, it's probably better this way.
My only sibling left US soil on August 18, 2009 for a 27 month Peace Corps assignment in Namibia, Africa.

Although so many small details of life are not included in that list, that is a quick snapshot of my last 10 years. Some of these things seem like they happened a lifetime ago, yet some of them still seem so fresh. I look at this list of events and compare it to the mental list of how things in my life were supposed to unfold, and it's not even close. It certainly makes me realize that even though we expect our lives to take a specific path, we really have so little control over most of what happens to and around us. So many people say that we control our own destiny; sure, we absolutely have control over some things, but I think for the most part destiny really is just that...destiny.

Looking at this list makes me wonder what the next year and the next decade will bring. The following is my wish list for the next year.

BFP some time in September or October so we can make Gracie and Jenna big sisters in June or July of 2012.
Continued forward progress on the house, with the hope that we can inhabit the second floor by the end of the year, or at worst, by the time baby number three arrives.
Continued forward progress for my business, which might financially allow more forward progress with the house.
Healthy growth and development for Jenna.
Good mental and physical health for my family and pets.
Completion of all projects that have been assigned to me at the firehouse, so whoever assumes my position in 2012 can start with a clean slate.

And the next decade? I anticipate that my life will be substantially different by the time we reach the end of the next decade, so my hopes and expectations for the next 10 years are really quite simple. Most importantly, I hope that we have two or three healthy living children that are running us ragged with sports and other activities, and that Jeff and I still have our health and our sanity.

It is my hope that we continue to recover emotionally from Gracie's death, but at the same time keep her memory alive within our family. I hope that I am able to continue to find ways to reach out and offer support to other BLMs, and maintain the friendships that I have developed with other BLMs over the last year. It is also my hope that no one else we know will endure the pain of baby loss.

It is my sincere hope that all major/structural renovations on our house are complete and that it is relatively the way that we want it. Even better would be completed renovations, the purchase of a parcel of land somewhere that we can build the house that we really want, and sale of this existing house. This would really make my DH happy.

It is my hope that we do not suffer the loss of any close relatives over the next ten years, but realistically speaking, that seems like an impossibility, since grandparents, aunts, uncles and parents are aging.

It is my hope that DH and I are able to return to Alaska at least once, but preferably twice...to celebrate our 5th and 10th wedding anniversaries. I would also like to be able to start traveling with our children, as I would like to show them as much of this country, and possibly places outside of this country, as possible before they go off to college.

I hope that my business is able to survive all of the health insurance changes that will be proposed and enacted as part of 'balancing budgets' and 'regaining control of the out-of-control' American healthcare system.

My wish to all of you is a peaceful transition into 2011. I wish you all much love, friendship, prosperity, health and healing in the new year and the coming decade. My thoughts and love are with all of you.

New Blog

2010-12-27T17:53:00.000-05:00

In an attempt to keep Gracie's blog space dedicated to Gracie and Jenna's blog space dedicated to Jenna, I have set up a new blog. I will use the new blog to post about things like cloth diapering, nursing, homemade baby food, cooking and recipes, natural childbirth, general fitness and nutrition, and other topics related to raising baby (and toddler and preschooler as I get to those stages). While it certainly will not appeal to all, I know that I have some followers who are interested in similar subjects.... For those who are interested, my new blog can be found here.

Winner!!

2010-12-22T08:32:00.000-05:00

I know that I said I would leave this open until 9:00, but there have been no entries for the last 8 hours, and I am going to be super busy at work all day, so I am going to do this a little early.

I could not get the picture from Ran.dom.org to copy and paste over here...not sure what the problem is. But there were 17 entries. Random.org picked #11, which belonged to Maggie from Butterflies for Alexandra. This is kind of ironic, since I won Maggie's giveaway a couple weeks ago!

Thank you all for entering. For those who were interested, the flag was purchased through this link. Wishing you all a very blessed and peaceful Christmas!!

25 Days of Giveaways - Welcome to Day #21

2010-12-20T22:00:00.005-05:00

I would like to welcome all of my regular readers, as well as those who are visiting Gracie's blog for the first time as part of Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways. I would also like to thank Tina for putting the festivities together again this year!!! It definitely is something to look forward to. When I think about it, though, it's hard to believe that I have been part of this community long enough to be doing this for the second time!

Today's giveaway is open to BLMs, BLDs, BL aunts or uncles, or BL grandparents. I had initially planned to offer a gift certificate to the Midnight Orange, however D. Antonia is on a bit of an artistic hiatus, so I decided to go a different route.

I know that many of you have special memorial gardens or other special outside areas set up to memorialize your angels, so I decided that I would give away a garden flag that reads "We Remember Angelversaries."

To enter today's giveaway, leave a comment to tell me what special thing(s) you have done or plan to do to remember your little one's angelversary. If an email address is not readily available through your blogger profile, please also leave your email address in your comment. I will leave things open until 9:00 a.m. (EST) on Wednesday the 22nd. Good luck to all who enter, and thanks for dropping by our little corner of the blogosphere! Merry Christmas and much love to you all!

Another Year Has Gone By

2010-12-16T23:53:00.001-05:00

~* Possible triggers through this post *~

I have been walking around for the last two to three weeks with a rather lengthy post in my head, and I have simply lacked the time to sit down and get it out. Of course, because I haven't been able to get it out, it has changed from day to day, based on what my brain remembers from day to day.

Before I go any further, I would like to congratulate my friend, Dawn, on the birth of her rainbow, Maddox, on December 7th! Mom, Maddox, Dad and big brother are all doing well so far!! Congrats also go to Jessica, who recently welcomed rainbow baby, Joshua!! Please keep the following ladies in your thoughts, as they are all rapidly approaching the arrival of their rainbows within the three weeks... Katy, Heather, Malory, and Lori.

So another year has passed since our first Christmas without Gracie, and what a difference a year can make...or not. A year ago, my only child was dead and I put up Christmas decorations in a cemetery for the first time. This year I have two daughters...one is still dead and we decorated in the cemetery again. It didn't take long to decorate this year, since we knew what we were doing this time around. Different, but the same.

A year ago, I was simply dreading the arrival of Christmas. Dreading it. Christmas day came and went relatively peacefully, and I realized that the days leading up to the 25th were far worse than the actual holiday itself. This year I am actually looking forward to Christmas with Jen.na, but it will just not be as it should be. Instead of having a 15 month old running around tearing things up, I will spend Christmas with my 3 month old, who I expect will be absolutely fascinated by the lights on the tree and the dancing Santa figurine. Just like last year, we will host Christmas Eve dinner and then release balloons for all of the angel babies. We will still be missing Gracie, and it will be the first Christmas without my BIL's wife. Everything will be the same and different at the same time.

Last year we decided that our new 'tradition' would be to purchase at least one ornament each year for Gracie. Last year she got several ornaments. This year I have purchased two for her. I will post pictures of them over the weekend. This tradition already has me wondering...how long will this tradition go on? It's likely that each living child will have a new ornament or two on the tree each year while they live at home with us. But how long will we continue to look for Gracie ornaments? At what point does that stop? When she 'turns 22, graduates from college and moves out?' When we stop buying or making new ornaments for the rest of our kids? When we just cannot find anything new and/or suitable to be Gracie's ornament? When? And why? And how will I feel about it?

Last year we encouraged our friends and family who wanted to honor Gracie to purchase a 'gift' to donate to Doing Good In Her Name. This year we decided to do the same type of donation, but we wanted to keep it more local instead of sending it out of state. So we will be donating to the patients in the NICU and PICU of the children's hospital about 20 minutes away. Again...the same, but different. And again I wonder how long this will go on. How long will friends and family feel compelled to make a donation in Gracie's memory to help another child/family? How long will Je.ff and I feel compelled to do this? Is is something that our living children will want to continue when their parents have no steam left? Or will it simply die off gradually from one year to the next until it simply fades to black?

On Sunday the 12th, we attended a candle lighting service at our hospital. It was our first year for this service, which is coordinated by the bereavement team and done in conjunction with Compassionate Friends, as last year's was canceled because of bad weather. It was a nice, small gathering. But it still sucks. It's likely that this will also become an annual tradition for us, simply as another means of keeping Gracie alive within us.

We continue to go to our monthly support group, and it continues to be quite beneficial for us. A couple that attended a few times had their rainbow baby, Eleanor, on October 14th. I had posted a prayer request for her a few days later, as she was in the NICU and having some substantial respiratory issues - she is home now and doing well! Another couple in our group is expecting their rainbow in a few months; I am so excited for them, but at the same time I am as afraid for them as I was when I was pregnant with Jenna. I don't think that particular fear will ever go away. I have been putting a lot of thought lately into the perinatal bereavement support available from the three birthing hospitals in our region...specifically, in terms of what I/we can contribute to these programs that might make the initial 'black hole' of loss just the tiniest bit smaller for parents just entering the realm of baby loss. A few months ago we donated baby loss ribbon pins for the memory boxes given out by our hospital. Over the last couple of months I put together a pamphlet that can be included in the bereavement literature that our hospital hands out; it contains various online resources that might be helpful to new loss parents. But these things seem to trivial in the grand scheme of things. I received confirmation a few weeks ago that one of the three hospitals in our region does not do much for their loss families. They give a copy of 'When Hello Means Goodbye' and they also give them a (donated) knitted outfit that is size-appropriate for their little one. That's it. This makes me feel so empty, and my heart breaks for all of the families that have left this hospital more or less empty handed. I am hoping, with the help of a few other BLM friends, to change this. I am ultimately hoping that in the coming months we will be able to provide memory boxes for these families. We'll see how it goes.

I have found myself having quite a few angry thoughts over the last few weeks. It's relatively displaced anger, but I suppose it all has to go somewhere. I am not sure if it has been sparked by continued changes on my hormone levels, by the impending holiday, by the anticipation of my sister's return from Namibia for a 3 week visit or by something completely unrelated, but has been pretty prevalent. I keep thinking about our 35 week appointment with Gracie, which was the last time she was alive in the OB's office. I keep thinking about the fact that I questioned Gracie's apparent slowing rate of growth, as well as my own weight loss at that appointment. We had not had many dealings with the midwife that we saw that day; her response to my concerns was that we don't all grow 10# babies and that the ultrasound weights were +/- 1.5#. She then said we would see how things looked the next week and form a game plan from that point forward if necessary. That's what makes me angry. She gave us the impression that Gracie's size/weight would be estimated during the next week's ultrasound. We have since learned that the ultrasound tech in our OB's office does not do size measurements more frequently than every 3 weeks unless there is an obvious problem ...so there was no reason for the midwife to believe that Gracie's size would be measured the following week. That fact alone kind of makes me feel like she was really blowing off our concerns and just saying what she needed to say to pacify us and get us out of the office. The only things pointing to a problem at that point were my weight loss and Gracie's slowing growth rate...so there would have been no reason for them to have done growth measurements the following week, and she had to have known that. Such a simple thing, but it's really been under my skin for the last few weeks for some reason. This, too, shall pass, I suppose. Sigh.

I will close tonight with some music. I have been waiting for months and months for this song to pop up on play.list.com, but no luck. So I will include it here. I think it's perfect for most of us. Make sure you stop the player on the right side of the screen before you play this one.

I would like to wish you all a merry and peaceful holiday season filled with friends, family and love. Come back some time in the next few weeks to check out Gracie's 2010 ornaments, and perhaps see some pics of this year's Christmas Eve balloon release. Stop back on the 21st to participate in the 25 Days of Giveaways!! Much love to you all!

I Never Win Anything...

2010-12-16T21:45:00.001-05:00

...but this year I won an amazing piece from The Midnight Orange, via Maggie, who hosted a Day 7 giveaway! It arrived the other day and it is simply stunning (my DH even thinks so, and he doesn't often have much to say about artsy things!)

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Maggie!!! I love, love, love it and it will be a perfect addition to Gracie's shelf!!!

25 Days of Giveaways & Free Christmas Cards

2010-12-05T22:39:00.000-05:00

Hello to all. I feel like I have been gone from here for so long. I have so much to write here, and have been lacking for time to do so. I am hoping to get some things written this week regarding Thanksgiving and Christmas.

In the meantime, I am sure that most of you are already aware of it, but in case there is someone out there that is not, I wanted to make you aware of Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways. Last year was the first year, this year looks to be just as promising! Check it out if you haven't already!!

Also, for those who do Christmas cards, but have not ordered yet or are in need of extras, Shutterfly is offering bloggers an opportunity to get 50 free Christmas cards. After reading the information, I don't think it's a guaranteed thing, but it's worth checking out. I glanced through their cards tonight and I really liked them. Sadly, I liked them better than the cards that I ordered from another site. I really liked the 'Noir Stars' card...I plugged a few of our pictures into it and I love the way it turned out. I don't think I can afford to order too many of them, since I already spent my Christmas card money, so I am keeping my fingers crossed for the freebies to come through!

Wishing you all a safe and healthy week, and hoping to get back to see you all later in the week.

Gracie's Dove

2010-11-18T09:04:00.000-05:00

Many thanks to Jessica at Heaven's Dove for doing a dove for Gracie!

When Will it End?

2010-11-16T20:30:00.000-05:00

When will babies stop dying? Really. When? Will we see it in our lifetime? We found out today that people that we have known for over twenty years lost a grandson to stillbirth on Friday. It's bad enough that babies die...but it seems like it always happens to normal, mainstream people who want and can provide for these children...and the crack whores of the world get to take their babies home every day...babies that some how come out healthy despite living in the most toxic of environments for 9 months. I just don't get it. Please join me in sending up prayers, warm thoughts and strength for little Marcus Alexander, his parents and his grandparents as they all begin this long, winding and bumpy journey.

I've been hanging out here in the baby loss blogosphere for over a year now, and it still saddens and amazes me how many people join this club every month. I spend lots of time wondering how often baby loss happened to people around us before Gracie died...how many happened that we were/are completely blind to??? On the other side of the coin, I find it amazing that so many women here find a way to offer some kind of amazing service to help us remember our little ones and help bring baby loss (in general) to light.

It all makes me wonder about the BLMs who never look for or find online support of any kind. They don't find BCC, Daily Strength, Still Babies or the baby loss blogosphere. I wonder what their support is like. Do they go to a real life support group that provides everything they need? Do they go to counseling that meets all of their emotional needs? Do they know other BLMs (in real life) that they can lean on? Do they have some other kind of outlet or do they just wing it from one day to the next? And what about the BLDs? There are so few of them openly floating around online. And how many of them are like my hubby, who with lots of nudging and encouragement, finally nosed around online for fathers groups/forums only to find that most of them had been infiltrated by women? (And in his words, "what's the point of going online to have women tell me how to grieve? I already get it everywhere I go...on a daily basis.") Do most of them just suck it up in true man-style and have periodic meltdowns when no one else is looking? Are they ready to explode? Certainly, they can't all be as "okay" as they claim to be.

I think about the time that I have spent here in the blogosphere and a few other online support forums. I have met so many wonderfully supportive women here, some of whom I have come to know quite well and communicate with on a regular basis. We are all so different, yet we have one common and very unique bond - the death of our babies. I sometimes wonder what my post-Gracie life and grieving process would be like if I had not met these women, especially the ones that I communicate with on a regular basis. Sometimes I wonder what life in general would be like without these women...with or without Gracie.

I think about my grief and how it sometimes just spins. There is no doubt that sometimes it spins because I come here and write or read and bring myself down; on the other side of the coin, there is no doubt that there are times that I come here because I am just spinning endlessly and can't break out of it. Sometimes I wonder if the spinning would stop if I just stopped participating as a member of the baby loss community all together - blogging, support group, FB - and then I realize how utterly ridiculous of a thought that really is. There is no way to not be a member of this community anymore. It is a bell that cannot be unrung, and it is a bell that automatically starts the spinning.

In closing, I want to send warm thoughts, hugs and love to Maggie, Margaret and Laura. On a happier note, if you don't know about Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways, check it out! It will kick off soon! Wishing you all a peaceful week!!

Thank Yous

2010-11-08T01:09:00.000-05:00

Many thanks going out to Jen @ Lily's Mommy Forever for doing Gracie's name. I love it, Jen!!

Thanks also to Casey for painting Gracie's Treasure Bean. It's perfect!!

The Last Few Weeks

2010-11-07T21:32:00.002-05:00

Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It's not a day on a calendar, not a birthday, not a new year. It's an event --big or small, something that changes us. Ideally it gives us hope. A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories. What's important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning. But it's also important to remember that amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to.

I have determined that I must watch way to much Grey's Anatomy, since I have been quoting it quite regularly over the last few months. I have nothing specific to say about this quote other than it just seemed to fit perfectly at the moment I heart it, and it just seems to fit in general. I feel like it provides that little porthole for someone to look through and perhaps begin to understand another person that they didn't previously understand.

We were not able to get to the cemetery on October 15th...in fact we have not been there in a month. To observe the day, we did the wave of light and released 3 balloons from home. My father and step-mom live less than a mile from the cemetery; I sent some balloons with her to leave in the cemetery when I relieved her from her babysitting duties...but it just wasn't the same.

Gracie's wall

Continued prayers are needed for little Eleanor Joy. I got an update at the end of last week that she is still in the NICU and that her respiratory status had been deteriorating instead of improving. Keep up that positive energy, girls! On the same front, a new couple attended our support group meeting last month. There is always someone new out there...it's just not right. As proof of the lack of support in this area, they drove about an hour one way to get to our group. Also in the prayer department, the suspected cancer in my MIL's colon has been confirmed. She will have surgery tomorrow to completely remove the section of colon that is left. Keeping things in the family, my heart continues to break for my BIL. His birthday was Friday, and we had him over for dinner. Dinner was good, but he wasn't really here. He was in the same place that many of us experienced on our first post-loss birthday. Part of him is forever missing, and many other parts are permanently damaged. During the dark and low moments, he leaves messages on her FB wall that just absolutely break my heart. I so wish I could fix it all for him.

In other 'news', I had an awkward encounter at Tar.get two weeks ago. I ran into a speech therapist who works in one of the elementary schools that I am in every week to provide services. I am known throughout the building by most of the teachers and at least half of them sent us sympathy cards a year ago for Gracie's death. Anyway, this speech therapist started fussing over Jenna as soon as she saw us. And then she looked at me and said "Your first was a boy, right?" I said "no, a girl," to which she responded "Oh...well, how is she adjusting?" Seriously??? Come on. I stuttered for a moment, partly because her teenage daughter was also standing there, but then I said "Well, actually she never came home from the hospital with us, so there's not really an adjustment period." The look on her face said "Holy shit...how did I not know this?!?!" but the only words to come from her mouth were "Oh. I'm sorry." Then we awkwardly parted ways. Scarring encounter? Not really...just bizarre. I am in that building every week. I run into that woman every week...it's been that way for 4 years now. Half (no exaggeration) of the teachers in that building sent us sympathy cards, so I know people were talking about it. The same people who sent us cards went out of their way to keep tabs on my pregnancy with Jenna. How in the world did she not know that my daughter died? How? *sigh*

I have been missing Gracie a lot lately. I love Jenna more than words can explain, but sometimes I look at her and my mind just wanders a little bit. I wonder about all of the things that will never be with Gracie. I look at pictures of the kids we know who are about the same age that Gracie would be, and I wonder. There is one particular kiddo that hits me pretty hard each time I see her picture or encounter her. Sucks. Just sucks. Some days I would really like to just turn off the wondering part of my brain.

In closing, I feel like I need to include a little disclaimer just in case anyone reading here is in a sensitive place and having difficulty reading about certain topics. I have worked hard since announcing pregnancy with Jenna to more or less keep Jenna in Jenna's blog and out of Gracie's blog. Now that she is here and she is part of everything that we do, it's hard to keep her completely out of this space. It's hard to draw a line and post Gracie only in this blog and Jenna only in Jenna's blog. The line blurs a lot now. So, here is the disclaimer. There will be periodic mention of rainbow baby/living child(ren)/TTC in the future/pregnancy/Jenna here on Gracie's blog.

Wishing you all a good week...and a good Thanksgiving if I don't get back here before then.

The Last Six Days of Questions

2010-11-07T20:17:00.000-05:00

I was not able to keep up at the end of October, so I did not get the last 6 questions answered. Just so I can say that I did it, here we go...

Day 25 - your day, in great detail
No one really wants to hear about this in any more detail than this... I get up, change baby, feed baby, pump, change baby, go to work, pull my hair out at work and spend as much time trying to figure out how to clone myself as I do treating patients (but with the new full time therapist on board it's not nearly as bad as it was a year ago...now I just have to get caught up!), eat lunch, pump, see more patients and do more paperwork, go home to eat dinner, pump, feed baby, change baby, feed baby again, change baby again, pump again and go to bed.

Day 26 - your week, in great detail
It's like Groundhog Day at this point...you've seen one day, you've basically seen them all at this point.

Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death
Impulse buying...but only specific to Gracie. If I see something that screams 'I am Gracie...buy me,' well, I buy it. I buy it regardless of whether or not I have something specific to do with it. I buy it regardless of whether or not I really have the money to spend. I think that on some level I am afraid that if I do not buy these things, her memory will fade, even though there is really no direct connection between Gracie and these items.

Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
I am not a fan of the purse...my purse is really an overized wallet on a strap. The 'cargo' compartment is just big enough to hold a 6 oz. baby bottle and my keys at the same time. Oddly enough, when I was in high school I had one of those stylin' straw/wicker purses that contained about 5 pounds of loose change and everything but the kitchen sink.

Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days

I am hoping that something very specific happens to give our financial standing a boost. If that happens, we will be able to move forward from our present standstill on house renovations. This would be HUGE for me. We have been unsettled in this house for 10 years now, and right now only half of it is liveable.
I am hoping to get caught up at the office so I can resume some face to face marketing and get caught up with some other professional necessities that have fallen to the wayside over the last year. I would like this year to be the year that my business really takes off.
I would love to go to Namibia (Africa) in April with my dad and step-mom to visit my sister. In a month she will be coming home for 3 weeks, but I would love to spend a week visiting the place that has been her home for a year (and will be her home for one more year to come). Unfortunately, finances and Jenna are more or less putting the kabash on that.
I am hoping that death, illness and disease steer clear of my friends and family over coming year. We have had our share over the last 18 months...we are all ready for a little smooth sailing.
I hope to see successful births of all of the tiny little lives presently growing in so many of my BLM friends.
I am going to work hard to help my body heal from the damages of back to back pregnancies in hopes that in a year's time we will be in the very beginning stages of baby #3.
Last, but certainly not least, I am going to enjoy my daughter. I am going to eat up every minute that I can get with her and shower her with all the love she deserves.

Day 30 - a dream for the future
My dream is quite simple.... for my business to provide a steady and reliable income sufficient enough to make life comfortable for us. By comfortable, I mean for it to provide enough funds for us to finish our remodeling/rehabing of our home, to maintain reliable vehicles, to provide the things that our children need and reasonably want as they grow up, to be able to travel with our children and expose them to life outside of this sleepy little town, to help our children with their post-secondary educations and to allow us a relatively comfortable retirement. It's not all about money, but it sure helps to make things more comfortable and take the worry out of so many things. In the long run, it will all of these other things fall into place.

Day 24 - Where I Live

2010-10-27T13:12:00.000-04:00

Yep...I live in Pennsylvania Amish country. Just a hair northeast of the center of the state. Although it's not as well known as the Lancaster, PA area, it's pretty much the same. After college, I returned to live in the same small town where I grew up (my hubby grew up here, too)...a town that is about half of a square mile in size with a population of 1695 (according to the 2000 census). There are no traffic lights in my town....yep...really. No traffic lights in our town, and only 1 traffic light in the entire school district. Enrollment in our school district (K-12, not including Amish children living in the district...they go to their own schools) is about 950 students and our elementary school has earned Blue Ribbon status. I live in the largest county (geographically speaking) in the state, with a population of about 117,000 people. There are two colleges about 15 minutes away, and 7 other colleges/universities within a 60 minute drive of here. Our area is small enough that we will never have a Trader Joe's or Whole Foods. :-( We do, however, have 4 major prisons within 5 minute of my house.

Our general area has been invaded, primarily within the last 2-3 years, by the natural gas industry. Much of PA (except the south east corner), along with with eastern Ohio, southern NY and most of West Virginia are sitting on one of the world's largest pockets of natural gas; consequently, there are natural gas wells popping up everywhere. Decent for our local economy, but not so great for long term preservation of our environment. This is what a remote/rural well site looks like during the 1-2 months of drilling...

Sometimes I feel like people here are so locked into one way of (backwards) thinking and couldn't find the outside of the box if someone led them by the hand. It frustrates me and sometimes makes me wonder why the hell we stay here...but generally speaking, I like where we live...while there must certainly be 'better' places to live, I know that there are much worse places to be...

They Fell Just a Bit Short...and a Question for Those of You with Artistic Talents

2010-10-26T23:21:00.000-04:00

My husband and I were in my OB's office today for my postpartum checkup. I guess I should say that, unlike so many women, I did not change OB providers after Gracie's death. Unlike many women I have encountered after their experiences multiple losses or late term stillbirth, I love my OB's office. They have been nothing but supportive since our loss, and I know others who can say the same. Yet, today, I left feeling a little disappointed.

The office was like pink-a-palooza...there were pink ribbons and breast cancer awareness paraphernalia all over the office. All over. There was nothing visible...anywhere...about pregnancy and infant loss. Nothing drawing awareness to how widespread and nothing to encourage remembrance for those lost and support for those left behind with empty arms. I am in no way putting down or discouraging breast cancer awareness. Cancer awareness and prevention is a huge thing...there is no question about it. My aunt died of cancer, my uncle has been riddled with cancer for over 10 years, my MIL is embarking on her 4th battle with cancer, and my BIL had colon cancer at the age of 31 (none of it breast cancer, but cancer nonetheless). And there is no question that every woman should be encouraged to do proper monthly self-breast checks...but in all honesty, if there are women out there who are unaware of breast cancer or unfamiliar with the concept of monthly self breast exams, it's more than likely because their heads have been shoved in the sand.

That said, I was somewhat disappointed that my OB's office was completely without anything to at least encourage support for those who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss. I don't know if the subject was presented to anyone there, but come on, they're an OB/GYN office. I get the potential stand that "we don't want to freak out the preggos," but if you do it from a standpoint of supporting those that have suffered a loss, it's not going to freak out the preggos nearly as much. I was really hoping for just a bit more from them, knowing how many of their patients have had a loss...and how many of those losses have been quite late in the game.

So now, to the question. I am not artistically gifted, nor am I really creative or artsy with the very basic programs on my computer. I have looked around online each year and not found much in terms of awareness 'posters', and I am wondering if those of you who are creative and have the appropriate programs have ever thought about designing a 'poster' of sorts for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month or Remembrance Day. Either something that those of you who are set up for online financial transactions could have printed and then actually sell online to the rest of us, or something not bigger than legal size paper that the rest of us could download and print off on our end and distribute as we saw fit. Anyone have any thoughts on this???

Days 19 through 23

2010-10-25T20:46:00.002-04:00

So I haven't managed to keep up with this every day, but I'm not doing too bad. Here are a few days worth of answers to catch me up!

Day 19 - a talent of mine
I'm pretty good at quite a few things, but I don't know that I have one specific talent that stands out. Kind of that jack of all trades, master of none thing. I am relatively musical, I am a decent athlete, I can cook and bake pretty well, I am okay with a camera.

Day 20 - a hobby of mine and how it changed since my loss.
I don't know that this is really a hobby, per se, but since I don't get paid for it, we'll call it a hobby. My involvement in the fire service, and how I look at and approach everything has defintiely changed since losing Gracie. I am suddenly not nearly as excited to run into a burning building as I once was, I think primarily because I can no longer say 'that won't happen to me' about anything in my life with any certainty. So the possibility of being injured, or worse, while fighting a fire suddenly seems very real. I also look much differently at the people we help. I used to have a 'disconnect' switch that allowed me to disconnect my emotions when dealing with critically ill or dead people, but now...not so much. It's still there, but it's harder to reach the switch.

Day 21 - a recipe
I found this recipe online and it looked really good. I had it for a while before I made it, because I had trouble finding raspberry vinegar. It is a good blend of flavors...even my husband liked it, and he's not big on chicken. Reviews and the original recipe can be found here.

Grilled Chicken Breasts with Fresh Strawberry Salsa

4 (6 ounce) skinless, boneless chicken breast halves
salt and pepper to taste
1 serrano chile, seeded and minced
1 clove garlic, minced
1 teaspoon chili powder
2 tablespoons raspberry wine vinegar
1/4 cup olive oil
2 cups sliced fresh strawberries
2 tablespoons chopped fresh mint
2 tablespoons white sugar
1 serrano chile, seeded and minced
1/3 cup minced red onion
2 tablespoons raspberry vinegar
salt and pepper to taste
1/4 cup sour cream

Pound the chicken breast halves with a meat mallet until 1/2 inch thick. Season with salt and pepper and place into a resealable plastic bag or small baking dish. Whisk together 1 serrano chile, garlic, chili powder, and 2 tablespoons raspberry vinegar in a small bowl. Whisk in the olive oil until incorporated, then pour the marinade over the chicken breasts, squeeze out excess air, and seal. Place into the refrigerator, and marinate for 2 to 3 hours.
While the chicken marinates, toss the strawberries with the mint and sugar in a bowl. Cover, and refrigerate 1 hour, then fold in the remaining serrano chile, red onion, and 2 tablespoons raspberry vinegar. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Let the salsa stand at room temperature for 20 minutes before serving.
Preheat an outdoor grill for medium-high heat, and lightly oil grate.
Remove the chicken breasts from the marinade, and shake off excess. Discard the remaining marinade. Cook the chicken on the grill until no longer pink in the center and the juices run clear, 3 to 5 minutes per side. Serve with the strawberry salsa and a dollop of sour cream.

Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since my loss
During the first week without Gracie, I found a few online support forums for those working through infant and pregnancy loss. I spent the most time in a few forums on babycenter.com, and from there found my way into the BLM blogosphere. Interestingly enough, when I got pregnent with Jenna and joined some pregnancy groups. I found the women in the pregnancy groups/forums to be ridiculous and caddy, and ended up steering away from BCC all together. Because of that and time constraints, I haven't been to the loss forums in months. I feel bad about it, becuase there were so many women there to support me in my early days, and I woul like to be there for others just starting out on this journey.

Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Yeah, I've got nothing on this one. There are a couple videos that I can think of off the top of my head; I have searched for them for a few minutes and cannot find them. All of the others that come to mind are not overly appropriate for this type of forum.

Another Name Picture

2010-10-25T10:32:00.000-04:00

I would like to thank Missy from Alexandra's Angels for doing Gracie's name!! I love it!!

Another Prayer Request

2010-10-20T16:24:00.000-04:00

I don't very often make public prayer requests, yet here I am making my second request in less than a week. We could use some prayers, good thoughts and colorful vibes for my MIL. She has had two bouts of colon cancer in the last 15 years and also had a kidney removed two years ago because of cancer. She had a colonoscopy this morning and the doctor is 'pretty certain' that her colon cancer is back. We don't know much more than that at this point, as the pathology reports are obviously not back yet, and she will not see an oncologist for 2 more weeks. In the meantime, we will take all the help we can get from the rest of you....

Day 18 - My Wedding

2010-10-20T10:17:00.000-04:00

Our wedding was a long time in the making, since we were together for about 14 years before finally tying the knot! I really did marry my best friend that day. It was one of the two best days of my life.

Helping Bereaved Parents

2010-10-19T21:44:00.000-04:00

I stumbled across an interesting publication (not sure if it's actually published in print or just virtually) tonight. While some of it is perfectly applicable to all of us, much of it is written specifically for those interacting with and supporting bereaved parents. Wonder how we get the rest of the world to read something like this...

Helping Bereaved Parents

There have been several sites pop up in the last year that provide lists of suggested memorial music, suggested readings, bible verses, poems, etc; this publication contains an extensive collection of these things...

Day 16 and Day 17

2010-10-19T01:34:00.001-04:00

Day 16 - A song that makes me cry, or nearly cry...
There aren't really any songs that spontaneously move me to tears anymore unless I am already having a rough day...and then it's a crap shoot. That said, there are 26 songs on the playlist here on Gracie's blog. They are all there for a reason. All of them have some sort of significance to Gracie, and each of them moves me in a different way. I can't really narrow it down beyond this... The significance of many of them is probably pretty clear, but if you want to know the significance of a particular song, just ask.

Day 17 - An art piece that moves me...
For Christmas last year I asked for and received a family sculpture from The Midnight Orange. The significance of this piece is also pretty self explanatory. I have decided that I will have a new piece made after each of Gracie's younger siblings is born to more or less chronicle the growth of our family.

Day 15 - What I Like About My House

2010-10-17T15:37:00.000-04:00

My house is about 110 years old and it's huge - about 3300 square feet. I love that it has lots of history, and I love that it has lots of space for us to fill it up with kids and still have room to move without tripping over each other. I love that, in addition to a full basement, it has a full attic...lots of room for storage and plenty of space for an attic bedroom should it be needed in the future. There are two staircases from the first to the second floor - both are still original oak. Should Jeff and I still be in this house when we get old and decrepit, we can put a lift chair in one stairwell to allow us to still get up and down without blocking or detracting from the main staircase.

What I don't like is that this house sits about 10' from the street (so no front yard at all) and the outside gets very dirty very quickly. It also needs a complete makeover inside, which we are slowing working on (donations accepted!!). Many of the rooms still have horse hair plaster walls, some of which are covered up with drywall. Some of the electric is new, some is really old. The house is far from being air tight, and nothing is level or square. We might get everything finished by the time our youngest child, which has yet to be conceived, graduati

Remembering and Prayer Request

2010-10-15T13:11:00.000-04:00

Taking time today, along with the rest of you, to remember our little ones with unending and unconditional love....and continuing to appreciate the support and friendship that I have found her in the blogosphere. I really wish that none of us had to meet this way, but I do truly feel blessed to have met all of you, and I look forward to years of continued friendship.

Remembering the babies that will forever be in and on our hearts...

On another note, I received an email this morning that originated from the nurse who coordinates the infant loss support group that Jeff and I attend. One of the couples from our group, who lost a full term son to placental abruption last fall, delivered their rainbow - a baby girl - yesterday morning. Eleanor Joy was delivered early due to the risk for repeat abruption, and was ultimately transferred from our hospital to another local hospital for NICU care due to respiratory complications. Her mother (who is a physician) is reportedly pretty optimistic at this point, but they have requested lots of prayers for little Miss Eleanor Joy as she continues to gain strength in the NICU.

Love and hugs to you all today and every day....

Day 13 and Day 14

2010-10-13T22:59:00.000-04:00

Day 13 - A fictional book that is meaningful since your loss
Day 14 - A non-fictional book that is meaningful since your loss

I used to read every second I got...anything that I could get my hands on. Sadly, I don't do a lot of reading these days, so I am going to hit both of these subjects in one post. The reading that I have done since Gracie's death has been either professional in nature or subject matter than I cannot connect to her loss in any way. There is, however, one small thing that I have pulled out a handful of times over the last year. I am not sure if it would be classed as fiction or non-fiction...as much as it would be classed an inspirational combo of both.

About five years ago I was doing some genealogy research and stumbled (via Google) upon an excerpt from the book "Chicken Soup for the Nature Lover's Soul." I had seen lots of Chicken Soup books, but I had never seen this one. The excerpt that I had stumbled upon was about/based on my grandmother. At that point, she had been dead for 20 years and this excerpt had been floating around for at least 10 years...yet I was somehow unaware that this publication existed, as was most of the family.

Although it is not entirely about my grandmother, I have pulled the book out and read the excerpt probably 8 or 10 times over the last year. There is one phrase on the second page speaks to me in a very loud voice..."triumph of spirit." I try to draw from that. After all, that's what life after loss is all about, right? Triumph of our spirits over the pain and heartache. Triumph over what we so often feel can never be survived or conquered .... Individual triumph that most of the world will never understand. The pain of Gracie's death and absence will never go away, so it is up to me to handle it and manage it in the very best way I can. It is up to me to let my true spirit triumph...and to let Gracie's spirit triumph in the most positive way I can (Although there are some days that the positive side of our spirits doesn't win out, these days are becoming much fewer and much further between). Sometimes I think that much of my tenacity and somewhat unorthodox approach to the big events in my life...and my tendency to occasionally give life the finger (in the most refined manner, of course) was inherited directly from my grandmother. As much as I hate it when people tell me that Gracie is hanging out in heaven with her great-grandmother, deep down, I have to admit to myself that they are probably right...

For those interested in reading this excerpt from "Chicken Soup for the Nature Lover's Soul," it can be found through this link...pages 92-96.

Day 12 - Something That I am O.C.D. About

2010-10-13T11:54:00.000-04:00

High Fructose Corn Syrup is NOT the same as cane sugar. It is NOT natural. And moderate consumption of HFCS cannot be realistically achieved unless you make every possible attempt to completely eliminate it from your diet, because it is in everything. (Just for the record, the corn is so chemically altered in the process of making HFCS that the body actually has a tough time processing and digesting it normally...)

That damn commercial makes me twitch every time I see it! :-P

Day 11 - A Recent Photo of Me...

2010-10-12T13:04:00.000-04:00

...and how I feel looking at it now

As with Sunday's post, you may not want to scroll any further if you are not up to viewing pregnancy or baby photos...

Four days before Jenna was born, we got together with a local NILMDTS photographer for a belly shoot, despite the fact that I absolutely hate having my picture taken. My husband was very opposed to doing this, because he was convinced that it would jinx things...but it appears that nothing was jinxed and we came away with some pretty good photos. This is one of my favorites. Looking at this photo now, I am so happy that we were able to squeeze this session in (we had to reschedule a few times and almost ran out of time!) so we have these reminders of our pregnancy with Jenna. I am also sad that we did not have the foresight to do anything like this during our pregnancy with Gracie. I would give just about anything to have just one more memento of our time with her.

Day 10 - A Photo Taken Over 10 Years Ago

2010-10-11T01:48:00.000-04:00

...and how it makes me feel now...

It was difficult to choose a picture for this post. I ultimately decided on a this...

This is a picture of me with my grandmother, whom Gracie was named after and is now buried next to. This picture represents a lot of things to me, including love; lost time and opportunities; and determination. My grandmother was killed when I was 8, and while I have quite a few memories, her untimely death took away the opportunity for her entire family to create more memories. The untimeliness and pointlessness of her death will always cause me to feel a little vengeful against those who drive under the influence of controlled substances.

At no point in her life did my grandmother ever have much in terms of worldly possessions. Like the rest of us, she was not by any means a perfect person, but she was certainly determined; she did what she had to do to get herself and her family through to the next day. She raised 14 children and then began her college career. Sadly, after her death, worldly possessions and greed began to divide her children, and the family has never been the same. While our parents waste precious time bickering and giving each other the silent treatment, my generation has worked hard to hold the family ties together so that our children will have the opportunity to know their cousins.

I am proud to say that I am her granddaughter, and I like to think that I inherited some of her determination and tenacity, and that a little piece of her lives on in me...and perhaps my children.

More pictures with Gracie's Name

2010-10-11T01:15:00.000-04:00

Many thanks to Tami for including Gracie in Corrine's beach party.

Many thanks to Maggie for including Gracie in Alexandra's trip to the pumpkin patch. :-)

Last, but not least, thanks to Emalee over at Project Kj for doing a picture with Gracie's name.

Day 9 - A Photo Taken Since My Loss

2010-10-10T15:51:00.000-04:00

I couldn't decide on just one photo, so I am posting two... If you are sensative to postings with mention of or photos of rainbow babies, please do not procede any further into this post.

I took this picture in June. For some reason I feel Gracie's presence very strongly when I see sun breaking through the clouds like it is in this picture... I can't explain it. I just feel like she is there with me.

I have been waiting for a year to take this picture. I don't believe an explanation is needed.

Day 8 - A Photo That Makes Me Sad

2010-10-09T15:30:00.001-04:00

This photo represents a lot of emotion. It was taken as part of our observance of Gracie's first birthday on August 1st. So that, by itself, is enough to make me feel a little down. It is not the kind of family picture that we should have had from Gracie's first birthday celebration. I am also a little sad that we could not get a picture of the entire family...someone had to run the camera, and for this picture, it was my hubby.

The guy in the green and blue shirt standing next to me is Jeff's younger brother. Right now my heart breaks for him in a way that I cannot describe. The girl next to him on the end (in the blue) is his wife. Two weeks ago, on September 22nd, she attempted to end her life. Ultimately, she was successful, as she was declared as being without brain activity less than 48 hours later. This was completely unexpected. Just like baby loss, this is something that you never expect to happen within your family. It's something that happens in other families...to other people.

My brother-in-law is completely heartbroken and lost, and for now stuck in that land of surreality that we all know so well. Just as he does not truly understand the pain that we experienced in losing Gracie, I cannot pretend to know or understand the pain and helplessness that he is feeling...but I do know that he, like us, has suffered an inconsolable loss. His loss is one that Jeff and I cannot imagine walking through, and ours is one that he cannot imagine walking through. Even if his finds another partner in life, he will carry the weight and pain of this loss with him for the rest of his days, and there will certainly be a piece of his heart that never mends.

Although there was a 'silver lining' of sorts, in the fact that she was a Gift of Life donor and many, many different organs and tissues were able to be gifted to others in need and save several lives, my heart aches in ways that I cannot explain for my BIL and for his wife's mother (she was an only child, which absolutely compounds the loss for her). Knowing that they are more or less inconsolable at this point makes me incredibly sad.

Day 7 - A Photo That Makes Me Happy

2010-10-08T12:56:00.001-04:00

This picture was obviously taken on our wedding day. With the exception of one other day, this was the happiest day of my life. Looking at it makes me feel almost as happy as I was that day, at least momentarily.

Day 6 -- 20 Things That Calm Me

2010-10-07T11:22:00.000-04:00

My husband (as long as he is not the aggravating factor!!)
Music - listening to it or making it
Walking
My dogs and cats (as long as they aren't the aggravating factors!!)
A hot shower
Sitting in front of a warm fire
A nap
Crossing things off of my list of things to do
Successfully finishing a project
Peace and quiet
A nice, big, frozen fruity adult drink (and the one that comes after it...and the ones that come after that...)
Fluffy white death - I try to avoid processed sugar and white flour as much as possible, but I won't lie...sometimes anything can be fixed with a homemade cinnamon bun, homemade apple dumplings or pie, jellybeans or a box of Dots.
A nice long drive (as long as I don't encounter drivers who should have never passed their driver's test)
Sitting in a quiet room illuminated only by the Christmas tree lights
An appointment with my massage therapist
Someone else stepping up to take things off of my plate
A clean house (but only after it's clean...definitely not during the cleaning process)
Sitting with the office lights off and watching the aquarium before I leave for the day (but only when it's clean)
Hypnobabies. Well, Hypnobabies practice. :-)
Last...but certainly not least...cuddling with Jenna

I don't know about the rest of you that are doing this, but figuring out 20 things was kind of hard!!

Day 5 - Favorite Quote

2010-10-06T06:45:00.000-04:00

Day 5 - Your favorite quote

Pre-Gracie, my favorite quote came from a good friend of mine, who happens to be the husband of one of my midwives. "No physical therapist will ever go to heaven." It's not a famous quote, but it will always stick with me. Unfortunately, all physical therapists of the world are screwed, because the friend who constantly reminded me of this died unexpectedly almost 3 years ago, so he's got a head start on getting all of us banned from passing through the pearly gates.

Since Gracie's death, there is one quote that sticks with me and always seems to be in the front of my mind. (Its long, so it obviously doesn't stick there verbatim, but you get the point.) "It doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up." It's from Grey's Anatomy and just feels so fitting at this point in my life.

October Posts

2010-10-05T15:48:00.000-04:00

So we all know that this month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. As I perused several blogs this morning, I noticed that quite a few of you are going to be doing daily posts this month.

Debbie is going to be writing about a different stillbirth resource every day.

Virginia is going to be writing daily about stillbirth facts and issues.

Angie is doing an 'all about me' theme and has invited the rest of us to join her. She has posted a list that has the topic for each day, just to make it that much easier for the slacker in each of us! :-) Since Debbie and Virginia have resources and facts covered, and the wheel can only be reinvented so many ways, I figured that I might jump on Angie's wagon. Perhaps it will get me back into blogging a little more regularly...

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

I am going to do days 1-4 today....that should catch me up. :-)

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
I listen to all kinds of music. Much of what I listen to on a daily basis just goes in one ear and out the other unless I really like it or it has meaning. That was the case with Remember When it Rained by Josh Groban. I have no idea how many times I listened to this song before Gracie died, but it never struck me until after she died. Had the weather been different on the day she died, it probably would still mean nothing, but it rained most of that day.... Now I think of her every time I hear it, and I have added it to the playlist here on her blog.

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
I can't really say that any specific movie helped me get through the weeks and months after Gracie's death. There are certain movies that, for whatever reason, are comforting to me - probably because I can associate them with happy memories or happy periods of time. I don't necessarily sit down to watch them, but I will watch them if there is nothing else on, and I have watched quite a few of them over the last 13 months. Fools Rush In, Top Gun, Save the Last Dance, City of Angels...

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
I don't have a lot of time to watch t.v. anymore. There are a select few shows that I make time to watch or DVR...The Closer, Grey's Anatomy, Rescue Me, Damages...the rest is all reruns just to pass or fill voids of time. As a whole, I can't really say that any of them specifically helped me or move me with regard to Gracie's death, but there have been several episodes of Grey's Anatomy that deal with ill or dead children (one was a late term stillbirth) that have hit home a little harder than they would have before Gracie died.

Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Although I should, I don't make time to do much book reading. I don't have a favorite book, nor do I have a preferred author. Since Gracie's death I have read just a few books.... Cesar's Way; Food, Inc.; and a breastfeeding book. I have thought about reading a book or two about infant and/or pregnancy loss, but I just haven't done it.

Remembrance, Awareness and Sharing

2010-10-05T14:14:00.000-04:00

I have become such a BLM slacker. I know that I have plenty of legitimate reasons, but I feel so shitty for disappearing from our community for weeks at a time. I'll be honest...I don't miss the ever-present cloud of sadness that lingers here, but I miss everything else and everyone when I am gone. I miss the constant flow of support and love that travels in every direction imaginable. For now, I am back...hoping to find a way to better manage my time...a way that will allow me more blogging time than I have had in recent weeks and months. I haven't been able to do much in the way of blog reading over the last month, so if any of you have any any big happenings or announcements, can you drop me a comment at the bottom to bring me briefly up to speed? Thanks! :-P

I know that most people who read here are aware of the Faces of Loss site. If, somehow, you are not familiar with it, I urge you to check it out! Gracie's story was posted on August 2nd, and since then so many more personal accounts have been posted. I am constantly amazed by the vast number of men and women in our community...and at the same time I am amazed by the ways that members of this community find to offer support to others and bring awareness to our experiences.

Again this year, on September 25th, our hospital hosted a Share Walk for Remembrance and Hope as part of their infant and pregnancy loss program and as part of Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month. Jeff, Jenna and I attended, along with our parents. The walk was followed by a balloon release. Although it is a simple observance, it is nice to be able to get together with others who understand exactly what it is that we are remembering. Here are a few pictures from the day...

I received an email last week from the regional March of Dimes community director regarding the local 2011 March for Babies. Although we did not personally speak with her at length at last year's walk, she heard a substantial amount of our story through some other people who were there. She was apparently so touched by our story that she has extended an invitation for us to be an Ambassador/Mission family for the 2011 March for Babies. Basically, they want us to be visible and they want to make our story visible. Jeff is not sure how he will handle the media interview aspect of things, but we decided to give it a whirl. Our local walk is schedule for April 30th, so Gracie will be a tiny angel celebrity during the early months of 2011...at least within the reach of our local newspaper. :-) I was surprised that we were approached to do this, as stillbirth generally doesn't fit the profile of the MOD's Ambassador families. That said, I am kind of glad to have the opportunity to bring a little more local attention to stillbirth. I know that there are a few local people who follow Gracie's blog. I urge you all to consider marking April 30th on your calendar. I urge you to consider participating in the local March for Babies....as part of Team Graciebelle, as part of another family's team to, or as your own team to honor and remember your angel. I urge everyone else to consider participating in their local March for Babies in the spring.

Another Angel

2010-09-11T13:53:00.002-04:00

I have been away from this blog for a month, simply because of time constraints, and now I have two posts for the same day. I have been walking around for about 2 1/2 weeks with a post brewing in my head, but for the last 10 days that post has been completely erased and I have been walking around with new words in my head.

For the last 13 months, Jeff and I have said to many people that we sincerely hope that no one that we know will ever experience the kind of loss that we have experienced, and that no one we know will ever truly be able to understand this kind of pain. We can no longer say that.

We no longer subscribe to the local newspaper, because of issues with the delivery person, so we usually read most of the paper online. At the end of his shift August 31st into September 1st, Jeff picked up a paper to get one of the sale fliers that was inside. He read the paper when he got home from work, and then came to bed and told me that someone I had worked with in college had lost a baby. I was half asleep, so I wasn't really sure what he was talking about at first.

There was an obituary in the paper for an infant. I browse through the obituaries online everyday, but the way this particular obituary was written probably would not have grabbed my attention, and I probably would have never opened it to read then entire thing online. The baby was the son of a girl that I life guarded with for 4 years during high school and college. She now lives about 3 hours away from here, and I have not seen her in 10 years or more. We were never really close, but we were certainly friendly enough for the news to break my heart and have quite an impact on me.

It is my understanding (based on conversation that Jeff had with the baby's grandfather) that baby Alex was born at full term after an uncomplicated pregnancy, but quickly developed substantial breathing issues. He had a diapragmatic hernia, and was whisked away to the NICU immediately. He underwent several surgeries and was actually doing a bit better until taking a sudden turn for the worse. Ultimately, he spent 16 days in the NICU before becoming an angel and joining all of our little ones.

I have not been able to get baby Alex and his family out of my head for the last week and a half. I keep thinking about how shitty it is, and how their lives will never be the same. It has taken me back to the first days of our journey with Gracie, and it has given me a whole new perspective of how Gracie's death impacted our friend Debbie and her husband...how easily it probably kicked them back into the early days of losing their daughter Sophie.

Please keep baby Alex in your prayers as he settles in with all of our little ones. Please keep his parents, brother and family in your prayers as they adjust to life within the unexpected new normal that we all now know so well as everyday life.

New Sites, Thank Yous, Thoughts and Reflection

2010-09-11T13:26:00.001-04:00

If you haven't already checked them out (I am a little behind the 8 ball...), I urge you to check out two new sites launched by Malroy from Every Life Has a Story. Her new sites are Keeping Their Memory Alive and Butterfly Footprints. Keeping Their Memory Alive is dedicated to hosting angel videos created by parents and family members; Butterfly Footprints is dedicated to making beautiful butterfly prints from the footprints of angels. I would like to thank Mal for the honor of having Gracie included as part of the Butterfly Footprints site, and also thank her for creating such beautiful prints with Gracie's footprints.

I would also like to thank Angela at RockaBYEbaby for doing such fantastic photos of Gracie's name.

I want to send out warmest thoughts to the family of my friend, Debbie, as loss strikes so very close to home again.

To close out this post, I will spend just one moment reflecting on this particular day and the impact that it has had on so many people over the last 9 years. I can't speak for every part of the country, but today's weather in PA is almost identical to the weather on that horrible day...simply a perfect fall day. Just as our parents (well, maybe not all of our parents, depending on how old all of us are...) remember exactly where they were and what they were doing when JFK was shot and his death was confirmed, few of us will ever forget where we were or what we were doing on that otherwise beautiful morning. Those of us who watched the live television broadcasts as the second plane struck the second tower...and those of us who watched the live television broadcasts as each of the towers collapsed will forever have those images burned into our minds (of course the marvels of modern media make it hard to forget anything these days). Nine years ago, it was something that most of us just watched in horror and awe. Now, most of us in this community can think about it with a different spin....now that we have all lost a child. We certainly have no idea what it is like to lose an adult child, but we can certainly better understand the loss of so many of the surviving parents. Just as my heart goes out to Debbie's family, it continues to go out to the families of each and every 9.11.01 victim.

Question #7

2010-08-08T12:25:00.000-04:00

Question #7 will be the final question, unless anyone out there has more. :-) This question came via email with the other anonymous question, so I have no idea who it is from. The question was "We know you in terms of being Gracie's mom, but who else are you? Tell us some fun and random facts about yourself."

Okay...some fun and random facts.... For those who have been reading here for a while, this may be somewhat of a repeat, as I did a weekly list similar to this long ago. But here is a new list pulled off the top of my head...

I am a wife to my soul mate, Jeff. We have been married for 2 years, but together for 16.
I am mama to a bunch of 'fur' babies...we have 5 cats and 2 dogs at home; my office houses 2 cockatiels and a 180 gallon salt water aquarium.
I am a physical therapist - I do special needs pediatrics in a school based / Early Intervention based setting, and I also do outpatient orthopedics. I am my own boss, with 2 other employees; some days it was the best thing I ever did, some days not so much.
I have been a firefighter for 15 years. (It's what I do in my 'spare' time.) In that time I have worked my way up to the rank of Deputy Chief within my department.
I also do a lot in the realm of technical rescue. I am part of PA's regional Urban Search and Rescue team, filling HazMat Specialist, Rescue Specialist and Technical Search Specialist slots. In 2007 I received the state's Rescue Technician of the Year award.
I hate drama, and I very quickly grow intolerant of stupid, childish, petty B.S.
I hate cleaning the bathroom and washing dishes. :-) I manage to soak myself every time I do dishes, and I cannot wait until we remodel the kitchen in a few years so I can buy a dishwasher!!!
I enjoy photography, softball, cooking/baking and sewing, although I rarely have time for any of them.
I enjoy hiking, but don't do nearly enough of it. I would like to try my hand at kayaking, but we just keep running out of time.
I am a life long New York Yankee fan (please don't hold it against me), but really couldn't care less about most other sports.
I love to travel. I am hoping to go to Namibia, Africa in the spring to see my sister, who is there until December 2011 with the Peace Corps.

And the Winner is....

2010-08-08T11:50:00.001-04:00

I apologize for the delay in getting this posted...I am just behind. Since I had entry comments across a few different posts, I put each person's name in a hat (well, a bowl) and drew the winner that way. JamieW is the winner of the Midnight Orange gift certificate.

Jamie, please shoot me an email at sand0113@gmail.com and I will let you know how to use the gift certificate.

Grief Ramblings

2010-08-06T11:45:00.000-04:00

As I type this, funeral services for a 21 year old Marine from my area, who was killed a week and a half ago in the Middle East, are underway. Obviously, this is not something unique to the area in which I live, as all regions of this country have dealt with this kind of loss over the last several years. When it happens in your area, it is all you see and hear from the local news outlets, and as a result, it's impossible to not think about the loss of that human life.

I have spent a considerable amount of time in the car this week, which has given my brain ample opportunity to run. Although I know many people who know this young man's family, I do not know them personally. Nonetheless, I have thought about his parents and entire family quite a bit. There is a heavy tradition of USMC service in this young man's family, but he is the family's first ever casualty. I keep thinking about how awful this must be for the entire family. I keep thinking about the spotlight that the family suddenly finds themselves in. I think about the 81 mile procession to bring his body from the airport to the funeral home. I think about the unnecessary stress and angst added to today's services by the local representation from the West.boro Bap.tist Chu.rch. I think about the coming weeks and months and wonder what they will be like for this family. Will people still be there to offer support or will the channels of support suddenly grow very dim as people around resume their normal routines?

I think about what this family has done and lost. They sent their son off to war, as many families across this country have done, with the understanding that he might not return. The understanding that he might not return. While this must certainly be every military parent's fear, so many of them never truly expect to be the ones to someday walk in these shoes. They will forever mourn the person that they have known, loved and lost. They will mourn what was unfairly taken away from them. Perhaps they will also mourn the things that he will never do or experience, as they are things that they will never experience with him...college, marriage, children.

I can't help but think about this in relation to my own grief. There is certainly no comparison. Ultimately, when it is all boiled down, I am angry because something was unfairly taken away from me and I mourn the things that we will never experience with our daughter. Ultimately, that is all I have to mourn...a lifetime of lost love and experiences. In losing that lifetime of love and experiences, sometimes I feel like I have lost such a huge portion of my world...and then I look around at what others have lost. While it doesn't minimize my loss or make me feel better, it certainly helps me to keep things in perspective and remember a few things. It helps me to remember that grief is unique to every person and circumstance, and no matter how much I am suffering and grieving, there are always people out there whose loss will strike them in even more profound ways than losing Gracie has struck me. It helps me to remember that, even though nothing will ever replace Gracie, there is still much hope for our family to find and experience with Gracie's siblings the things that we will never experience with her.

I wish much love and support for this young man's family in the coming weeks and months. I pray that they are able to find peace, strength and healing as they begin this long journey.

Time is Almost Up

2010-08-05T07:44:00.000-04:00

I will be picking the winner for the $25 gift certificate to The Midnight Orange either tonight or tomorrow night. Go to this post to register.

Gracie's Birthday Memorial

2010-08-02T11:59:00.002-04:00

So as I expected, yesterday came and went, and it was not nearly as bad for me as the previous few days. Jeff and I both found, over the course of the entire weekend, that down time was the killer. As long as we were busy and focused, and not allowing ourselves to psychologically travel to the 'dark side', things were okay. If we were not busy or otherwise occupied, it was an ugly scene. The good news is that my ugly scenes and Jeff's ugly scenes did not come at the same time, much the same as during the early grieving process, and we were able to help the other work through to a somewhat better place. I would like to extend thanks to those who sent emails, left comments here or sent messages via FB to offer thoughts and supports over the weekend. It means to much to know that people are thinking about us.

When I woke up yesterday morning, one of the first things I thought was actually not specifically about Gracie, but that exactly one year ago from that moment, my husband was still trying to sleep in the hospital cot that looked and sounded like a bird nest. Seriously. It dipped WAY down in the middle and was, of course, lined with a plastic cover for sanitation purposes. He sank way in and every time he moved, it sounded like he was laying in a pile of leaves. :-P It provided a little bit of comic relief when we needed it, and turned out to be one of the first thoughts in my head this morning.

We had a picnic-style dinner with our parents and Jeff's brothers and their families last evening. (My sister's cats stood in for her since the commute back from Namibia was not feasible...) Between dinner and cake we went to the cemetery to release balloons. I blew up the balloons that I had and then put the names and dates on them for some of Gracie's angel friends. (I was limited in balloons, so I was limited in the number of babies. I apologize if I did not get yours...) We left the other side of the balloons blank for our family to write messages to Gracie.

The weather forecast for the day was mostly cloudy with the chance of showers and thunder storms all day, but it was absolutely beautiful when we went to the cemetery. When we got there, there was a bag waiting for us that contained a birthday card, a tiara and a wand for Gracie. The card was not signed and we have no idea who left them for her, but it was such a nice surprise.

After the cemetery we headed back for some cake and homemade ice cream. I think the homemade ice cream is going to be my hubby's tradition for each birthday party for our children from this point forward. He had a great time with it! Jeff's cousin did Gracie's cake. I really had no idea what to ask her for, so I just gave her a list of generalities (with regard to decorations) and this is what she came up with for us... It was perfect (tasty, too) and we loved it!!

All in all, it was a decent day, but it didn't come close to the kind of celebration that we should have been planning for Gracie. I worry that we will not be able to honor her this way every year, and I worry that if that is the case, that we will feel an overwhelming sense of letting her down. I suppose that it's something we will have to deal with one year at a time...I just hope that I am wrong, and that we will be able to do something special for her every year to outwardly signify how much she will always mean.

So, that was Gracie's birthday in a nutshell. The days leading into it were really much worse than yesterday...which is what I was expecting. But we made it through, still standing.

I would like to ask that Annette, Acacia's mom, and Bryston's mom (Jen) drop me an email (sand0113 at gmail dot com) so I have your email address...I have pictures to send to you... Thanks so much! Wishing you all a peaceful week!!

Gracie's Cupcake

2010-08-01T23:35:00.000-04:00

Many thanks to Crystal Theresa at Calvin's Cupcakes for sending Gracie's cupcake just in time for her birthday.

More to come about Gracie's birthday in the next couple of days...

Question #6

2010-08-01T01:42:00.000-04:00

The sixth question in celebration of 100 posts comes from Alyssa's mom, Ann. She asked "How will you bring Gracie into Beana's life?"

I think that it will be relatively easy to make sure that our children yet to come know that Gracie existed, and how much she was loved. Gracie has a wall in our living room - right now it's just her shelf, but we also have a print of her Forever Remembered photo collage to get framed and the new photo board that was given to us last week to put up. So she will be here for them to see. They will always be part of whatever we might do in the future to honor her - our hospital's memory walk, the March of Dimes walk, holiday/birthday traditions, etc.

I think that birth order probably has a lot to do with how lost babies are integrated into families. When the lost baby is not the first born, there are often older children waiting with anticipation for the arrival of the new sibling. When that sibling never comes home, they live the loss. They may not understand at that moment, but it's part of their lives from day one. I think it's a little different when the lost baby is the first born, since the younger siblings have obviously not lived through the anticipation, excitement and loss. I have to admit, that I am somewhat worried about creating a complex for Beana. Gracie will always be our first born, but Beana will 'functionally' be our oldest child. I don't want Beana (or any of our children) to ever feel like she is living in Gracie's shadow...so I anticipate that we will have to work hard to find a balance between maintaining Gracie's memory as part of our family dynamics and not making the rest of the kids feel like they are second rate. It kind of makes me wonder how the question of number of children and birth order will be answered in 10 years. Beana is obviously not our first born or oldest, but functionally, in the eyes of much of the world, she will be (again, that potential complex comes into play). That is definitely not something we can answer or figure out now...but certainly something to think about...

But for now, we will maintain Gracie's wall, and our children will know and understand that the baby in the pictures is their older sister. How everything else will unfold remains to be seen.

Post #100

2010-07-31T10:19:00.000-04:00

So this is not at all where I wanted my 100th post to land. Not even close...but here we are.

I was almost afraid to go to sleep last night. Afraid of dreaming (which isn't that common for me), but I was actually more afraid of history repeating itself on the same day. As everyone with rational thoughts would expect, it has not repeated itself at this point. Today will always have more significance to me than tomorrow, but it seems that tomorrow will forever be the date that the rest of the world is interested in.

One year ago today I woke up to the immediate realization that I had slept all night long...something that I had not done in a few months. All night long...with the exception of the gall bladder pain that sat me straight up from a sound sleep for just a minute or two around 1:30. As the 2 hours ticked by, I became increasingly aware of the lack of movement in my belly, and within 3 hours of getting up I had determined that there was no heartbeat to be found in my belly other than mine.

One year ago today it rained all day. I will remember that forever. I was scheduled for a BPP ultrasound at 12:15, followed by a NST and midwife appointment. Instead of using my morning in the office for paperwork, I found myself making a horrid call to my OB practice. Because there is really no other option in the automated telephone system that answers your call, I opted to speak with a nurse that morning. It is a call that I will remember forever. It went something like this...

"Hi. My name is Susan. I am a patient there, and I am currently 36 weeks. I have an appointment with Mark at 12:15, and then a NST and a midwife check; but I am pretty sure that there is something very wrong with my baby at this point. I haven't had any movement since 11:30 last night, which is very unusual. I also can't find her with my stethoscope, which is something that I haven't had any trouble doing over the last few weeks. I'm assuming that I should come now instead of later when we are scheduled; I just need to know if I should go to the office or directly to L&D."

"What do you mean you can't find her?"

"We have been listening and monitoring her heart rate several times a day with the stethoscope. I have never had any problems finding it, but I haven't been able to locate it for about 30 minutes now."

"What is the point of listening with a stethoscope?"

"It's an arrangement that we have at this stage of the game, but that's not really the point. The point is that I have not had any movement since about 11:30 last night and I cannot find her heartbeat."

"Well, you need to remember that as you get closer to your due date, the baby stops moving. It's not going to be like it was over the last couple of months. Have you tried laying on your left side?"

"I have laid on my left side, my back and my right side. I have played music, which always gets her to move. Nothing. I understand that movement diminishes and changes as you get closer, but it doesn't stop completely literally overnight. And it doesn't make their heartbeat disappear. That's what I'm worried about."

"Have you had anything to eat or drink? Did you have breakfast? Maybe you should try some ice water."

"I had breakfast and I've done very cold juice, also with nothing."

"Well, Mark doesn't get here until 12:00, and we don't really have any midwife slots open until the time that you're scheduled, so it's not really going to do any good for you to come early. We can't really see you until then. It's only a little more than an hour and a half until your appointment at this point, anyway. Try laying back down on your left side for a while and eat something else. See if that helps."

"So I'm telling you that there is something very wrong going on in my belly and you're telling me to lay back down?"

"Well, again, we can't really see you before your scheduled time, so just lay down and rest, and we'll see you around 12:15."

So, I sat in the recliner for about 20 minutes, pretty sure that there was a dead baby in my belly. After 20 minutes I could not wait any more. We took my hospital bag and headed to the office. We were early for our scheduled appointment; I told the girl at the window I was early, and told her why. She didn't seem to be phased a whole lot by what I said, but I also didn't use the word 'dead.' She said that Mark had gotten there a little early, so perhaps he would get us in a little early. We parked in the waiting room, and got in about 15 minutes early for the ultrasound. The rest is history.

The issue of the phone call was addressed with my midwife shortly after they started my Pitocin that afternoon. She assured me several times in the weeks that followed that it was dealt with immediately, which I was grateful for. I know that it didn't make a difference in the overall outcome, because Gracie was already gone when I called, but being blown off by that nurse just really pissed me off...and today I can't get it out of my head. Perhaps it's part of the reason I feel so strongly now about so many care providers (across all disciplines) assuming that they always know best and/or know the answers before their patients even speak...and consequently pay no attention when their patients do speak or dismiss everything that is said as being uneducated or off-base...

I have a few more questions to answer, which will come in the next few days...perhaps later today if I cannot manage to stay on track with the busy work that I have planned for myself. Tomorrow we will have a casual picnic dinner with our immediate family and release some balloons for Gracie. (It's kind of ironic the number of balloons I have been responsible for releasing over the last year, because it is something that I have, for a long time, been opposed to for environmental reasons... Funny how one life event can change perspective.) Wishing you all a peaceful weekend (and hoping that I can stay busy through mine!)....

No Questions Today

2010-07-28T23:19:00.000-04:00

I have a few more questions waiting to be answered, but I am saving them for a different day. I'm just not feeling it tonight.

I have finally figured out why I feel so perpetually disappointed with the rest of the world's 'handling' of Gracie. It's kind of like what we do with our husbands.... They ask what is wrong, and we respond with "Nothing," really expecting them to know exactly what is wrong and exactly what we want them to do or say to fix it (regardless of what "it" is). I think that is how I have been functioning with everyone over the last year. There are many times that I will answer any question asked, but there are many times that I don't want to engage in conversation...not about Gracie, not about anything. Yet I want every person I interact with to say or do that perfect thing without prompting. I want them to know exactly what I am thinking, feeling and needing without any prompting at all. I want to forever be able to answer with "Nothing," but still get what I want and need from people at the exact moment that I want and need it.

Funny the ridiculous thoughts that grief creates, even a year later...

Question #5

2010-07-27T22:41:00.000-04:00

Today's question comes from Alexandra's mom, Maggie. She asked 'How have your relationships with friends/family changed? Have they gotten stronger or weaker?'

This is really a tough question to answer. I can say that, thankfully, nobody has left or been eliminated from our lives as a direct or indirect result of Gracie's death; I know that others are not so lucky. I don't know that I can classify much as stronger or weaker, but everything is definitely different.

For the most part, most of the people consistently in our lives (the ones that are friends or family, as opposed to acquaintances) continue to be there. It is evident that most of them want to be supportive, but in all reality, they just don't always know how to do that. They usually don't know what to say or do, and most don't get that sometimes is a tiny gesture or saying nothing at all that means the most. Some try to remain as positive as they can about everything, but sometimes I'm not necessarily looking for a Positive Polly; sometimes I just want to be a downer for 5 minutes and just get it out of my system. It's hard to explain that to people.

I definitely feel that I still cannot talk openly about having a dead baby with most of my/our friends. It makes people uncomfortable, and usually gets one of the standard and cliche lines...'Everything happens for a reason', 'She's watching over you now'.... It's even difficult to talk to some of my closest friends and get my point across without feeling like they are just pitying us. It's also hard to talk to people without wondering in my head if they are thinking to themselves "I wish she/they would just get over it already." Surprisingly (but not so much when I actually think about it), I have a very easy time talking about Gracie to some of the parents of the kids I work with. There are exceptions to this rule, but most parents of kids with disabilities just get it. They understand and remember that this isn't just something that happened to us...they remember that it was our daughter.

There are two things that stick out in my mind. Small things, but things nonetheless. I was disappointed in our parents on our respective days (Mother's Day / Father's Day) this spring. My father had to be reminded to call me and Jeff's parents did not wish him a happy Father's Day. Again, a small thing and not necessarily something that has changed relationships, but something that will stick in my mind for a long time. (I didn't find out until recently that my father had to be reminded.) The other thing that sticks out is that we have seen a side of our 18 y/o nephew that we never knew existed. Turns out that he's pretty deep. His relationship with Jeff may be the only one in which I can specifically identify change. They seem to have a little stronger bond than they did before, stemming from his reaction to Gracie's death.

So I have typed a lot and not really said much. Maggie, did I answer your question?? :-)

Questions #3 and #4

2010-07-27T00:13:00.000-04:00

These questions are also from Carleigh's mom, Holly, who asked what my favorite food is and what I wanted to be when I was growing up.

My favorite food....I don't know that I can limit it to just one food. I think that I could eat pizza, french fries, jelly beans and bacon every day. I don't eat them every day, but definitely I eat way too much of all of this stuff, especially bacon. I was having such terrible bacon withdraw during the early months of this pregnancy that my hubby special ordered an entire slab of nitrate-free bacon for me. That made me a very happy girl. :-)

As far as what I wanted to be when I was growing up, I definitely did not aspire to become a physical therapist! :-P When I was in 5th grade, we watched a PBS series in school called "Voyage of the Mimi." It was all about marine sciences - but it primarily focused on whales...specifically humpback whales. From that point until sometime around 10th or 11th grade, I was dead set on becoming a marine biologist...but with aspirations of working as a trainer somewhere like Sea World (as opposed to humpback research). At some point I realized that I was a homebody and that most of the jobs I would want are nowhere near Pennsylvania...and also that the jobs I would want were probably also hard to come by and I would likely end up doing something else while I waited for the perfect job opportunity... So, I decided to come up with a Plan B. That is when physical therapy entered the picture. It's definitely not my true passion in life, but it works. Most of the time I really enjoy my job, so I really can't complain. I will confess though, that it was really difficult to come back to physical therapy after our incredible whale watch trip two years ago in Alaska. Our boat played cat and mouse with a small research boat the whole time we were out...and I sooooo wanted that to be my job for the summer.